I think I'm really addicted to blogging these days...
Also, I think I really want to quit. It was so great not having to work these last 2 weekends...and it's not like I work that much anyway...I don't know if it's even worth it. And quitting would definitely clear up my Saturday nights...
It's so frustrating not being able to drive yet...I'd do so many things differently if I could.
It sucks that my parents are never home these days because I can never get rides out to ANYWHERE, and I hate bumming rides off of people. ugh.
It really makes me guilty, because ideally, I should be going to main service then @the10, but my parents only drive out there at 10...and I always have to choose between the two. If I could drive...I'd drive out earlier...or ideally, I'd quit, then go to Saturday night services, then head out to church on Sundays @ 10, then go to @the10. \
I wish I could drive. sigh.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
so tired!
oh my, math is just calling my name. but i really want to blog before my math kills me.
i'm just poooped from these last two weekends, but they have been so ridonculously rad that i'm not even going to complain anymore. i had so much fun these last two weekends...grad camping, then anvil. it was so great just getting to know people and just having God show me things while i was away.
something that's definitely been evident to me these last two weekends is that i really need to get into the Word again. it's ridiculous how long i've been procrastinating. it's easy to just put it off, and put it off, and before you know it, you haven't read your Bible in ages. by then you're like so busy, and you're like i don't even know where to start!...one more day isn't going to make a difference...and before you know it...it's been another week.
i really wish i wasn't so lazy to read my Bible. i wish it was more real to me. i always say that, but i also learned that if i feel like i don't know what God is saying to me in His Word, i shouldn't just give up. i should try it for a whole year. that was really humbling to hear. it's a crazy committment, but totally legit. i picked up one of those reading plans...defs gotta do that. really.
on a sort of different note...
again, and again, i'm reminded that people can surprise you. i learned that last year on outreach...that sometimes, the people you don't expect to get along with are the ones that become your best friends..
to be honest, going to anvil scared me a little. it's totally out of my comfort zone...to just go to a retreat where i don't know a lot of people, but i would do it again in a heartbeat. i met/ and got along so well with so many people that i wouldn't really have talked to otherwise..
the theme this weekend was obedience. i guess the biggest part that stood out to me this weekend was that...it's not always about me. it's about following what God wants for me..and right now, it seems to me that He wants me to be a better person. to be more of an ambassador for Him at PA. just because i go there, doesn't mean that it's easier to be one. it's so hard to just step up, because like i said, it's so much easier to blend in.
also, where do i even start?
oh me, oh my. my headache is killing me.
ladededa, i always stress so much about leaving high school, and losing touch with all these friends i've made along the way. this weekend made me realize all my worries are so trivial. i mean, it's obviously a big deal to have to say goodbye...but i realized there's more out there.
i mean, that might sound sooo stupid seeing as i'm 16, and i'm just realizing that now. but i've always relied on this ONE group of friends. the two best friends that i had before PA go to PA too..so it's just like putting all my apples in one basket..(is that even the right figure of speech? anyways..) not like my friends are apples or anything, but it's like..that's all i had.
all of a sudden, i'm meeting all these new people and God's showing me that there's definitely more out there. PA's a small school, but there's definitely cliques. it sounds so stupid to say, but i guess i hang out with the more..."popular" clique. i HATE to say that, because i don't want to sound like i think that i'm better than anyone, because i don't think so at all. i think it's stupid..but for arguments sake, lets just go with it.
anyways, just because of that, i feel like there's this expectation that people have of us...and who we are, and who the lives we live. i hate that because i can't say i'm like that. i struggled with it sooo much last year.. it's different now, but even now, i'd have to admit that for the past year...i've sort of been torn between two lifestyles. the one that i am living, and the one i think i should be living. it's not like i've done anything horrible, but i feel like i could be doing so much better as far as leading a better life for God goes. it's one thing to say it...but so hard to actually do it.
i'm not sure where it was found, but this weekend, i heard a verse similar to this one...talking about how not everyone can get into the Kingdom of Heaven just because they act like a Christian, they have to really live their lives for God. what a challenge.
"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!' "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.
Matthew 7:21-24
i'm just poooped from these last two weekends, but they have been so ridonculously rad that i'm not even going to complain anymore. i had so much fun these last two weekends...grad camping, then anvil. it was so great just getting to know people and just having God show me things while i was away.
something that's definitely been evident to me these last two weekends is that i really need to get into the Word again. it's ridiculous how long i've been procrastinating. it's easy to just put it off, and put it off, and before you know it, you haven't read your Bible in ages. by then you're like so busy, and you're like i don't even know where to start!...one more day isn't going to make a difference...and before you know it...it's been another week.
i really wish i wasn't so lazy to read my Bible. i wish it was more real to me. i always say that, but i also learned that if i feel like i don't know what God is saying to me in His Word, i shouldn't just give up. i should try it for a whole year. that was really humbling to hear. it's a crazy committment, but totally legit. i picked up one of those reading plans...defs gotta do that. really.
on a sort of different note...
again, and again, i'm reminded that people can surprise you. i learned that last year on outreach...that sometimes, the people you don't expect to get along with are the ones that become your best friends..
to be honest, going to anvil scared me a little. it's totally out of my comfort zone...to just go to a retreat where i don't know a lot of people, but i would do it again in a heartbeat. i met/ and got along so well with so many people that i wouldn't really have talked to otherwise..
the theme this weekend was obedience. i guess the biggest part that stood out to me this weekend was that...it's not always about me. it's about following what God wants for me..and right now, it seems to me that He wants me to be a better person. to be more of an ambassador for Him at PA. just because i go there, doesn't mean that it's easier to be one. it's so hard to just step up, because like i said, it's so much easier to blend in.
also, where do i even start?
oh me, oh my. my headache is killing me.
ladededa, i always stress so much about leaving high school, and losing touch with all these friends i've made along the way. this weekend made me realize all my worries are so trivial. i mean, it's obviously a big deal to have to say goodbye...but i realized there's more out there.
i mean, that might sound sooo stupid seeing as i'm 16, and i'm just realizing that now. but i've always relied on this ONE group of friends. the two best friends that i had before PA go to PA too..so it's just like putting all my apples in one basket..(is that even the right figure of speech? anyways..) not like my friends are apples or anything, but it's like..that's all i had.
all of a sudden, i'm meeting all these new people and God's showing me that there's definitely more out there. PA's a small school, but there's definitely cliques. it sounds so stupid to say, but i guess i hang out with the more..."popular" clique. i HATE to say that, because i don't want to sound like i think that i'm better than anyone, because i don't think so at all. i think it's stupid..but for arguments sake, lets just go with it.
anyways, just because of that, i feel like there's this expectation that people have of us...and who we are, and who the lives we live. i hate that because i can't say i'm like that. i struggled with it sooo much last year.. it's different now, but even now, i'd have to admit that for the past year...i've sort of been torn between two lifestyles. the one that i am living, and the one i think i should be living. it's not like i've done anything horrible, but i feel like i could be doing so much better as far as leading a better life for God goes. it's one thing to say it...but so hard to actually do it.
i'm not sure where it was found, but this weekend, i heard a verse similar to this one...talking about how not everyone can get into the Kingdom of Heaven just because they act like a Christian, they have to really live their lives for God. what a challenge.
"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!' "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.
Matthew 7:21-24
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Hot & Cold...
Really, I am wondering why I am so hot and cold. I just have these times when I'll just sit and feel so apathetic about everything. I don't get it. And other days, I'll just feel sooo fed up.
Today started off with the first, and is ending with the second.
You know, I love high school...because I'm good at high school.
Other days, I just want out. A fresh start.
I think I compartmentalize my life too much.
Today started off with the first, and is ending with the second.
You know, I love high school...because I'm good at high school.
Other days, I just want out. A fresh start.
I think I compartmentalize my life too much.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
.....
For some reason, I have this really strong feeling of disconnect right now. I have this ideal place in my mind where I want to be...with school, with friends, with family and with God. But it feels like I just keep coming up short.
I have no idea what it is, or maybe I do. I hate how easy it is to procrastinate when it comes to reading my Bible. Why is it so easy to sit down and read a book for hours, when it's so hard to just read my Bible?
Like I said, I have this ideal place where I want to be with God, but I know He wants me to do a lot of work before I can be there. Honestly, I think I'll have to do a lot of re-evaluating and that scares the heebiejeebies out of me. I don't want to give up anything, because it's just easy. This is simple.
I constantly have this re-occurring feeling that time is running out, and I hate it. It's like...I'm always trying to slow things down, and remember everything. There's this little voice in the back of my mind that keeps reminding me that "this is it," you know? It's my last year of high school and that scares me more than anything right now.
I don't even know what I'm going to do when high school is over. People always say that you never talk to half the people you went to high school with...I always hope that I'll be the exception, but I know I won't be. The thought of having to start over scares me.
God has blessed me with so much this year, and included in that, are new friends. Maybe that's God's way of showing me that there's more to life than my bubble. I'm just not ready to say goodbye to my oh-so cushion-y bubble.
With that said, I think I am talking about more than just the brick walls. I'm not ready to just "walk away" from the life where I don't really have to try. That's horrible, I know. But like I said, life like this is easy. It's easy to blend in, and hey, the uniform helps.
But slowly, I'm realizing I'm falling back into this old pattern that got me in so much trouble last year. I'm making friends my priority again, and I've already learned my lesson from that last year.
My friends are great, but last year I learned so much from everything that happened. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to, and sometimes, people disappoint you even though they don't intend to. I know that there's got to be more to my life than that. But right now, it's so easy, it's not easy to just walk away from it.
"Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple."
Luke 14:25-27, 33
In my mind, this is my ideal. To be able to pick up my cross and follow God, 100%. But in the back of mind, somethings stopping me...whether is laziness, or selfishness, it's hard to break away from.
I have no idea what it is, or maybe I do. I hate how easy it is to procrastinate when it comes to reading my Bible. Why is it so easy to sit down and read a book for hours, when it's so hard to just read my Bible?
Like I said, I have this ideal place where I want to be with God, but I know He wants me to do a lot of work before I can be there. Honestly, I think I'll have to do a lot of re-evaluating and that scares the heebiejeebies out of me. I don't want to give up anything, because it's just easy. This is simple.
I constantly have this re-occurring feeling that time is running out, and I hate it. It's like...I'm always trying to slow things down, and remember everything. There's this little voice in the back of my mind that keeps reminding me that "this is it," you know? It's my last year of high school and that scares me more than anything right now.
I don't even know what I'm going to do when high school is over. People always say that you never talk to half the people you went to high school with...I always hope that I'll be the exception, but I know I won't be. The thought of having to start over scares me.
God has blessed me with so much this year, and included in that, are new friends. Maybe that's God's way of showing me that there's more to life than my bubble. I'm just not ready to say goodbye to my oh-so cushion-y bubble.
With that said, I think I am talking about more than just the brick walls. I'm not ready to just "walk away" from the life where I don't really have to try. That's horrible, I know. But like I said, life like this is easy. It's easy to blend in, and hey, the uniform helps.
But slowly, I'm realizing I'm falling back into this old pattern that got me in so much trouble last year. I'm making friends my priority again, and I've already learned my lesson from that last year.
My friends are great, but last year I learned so much from everything that happened. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to, and sometimes, people disappoint you even though they don't intend to. I know that there's got to be more to my life than that. But right now, it's so easy, it's not easy to just walk away from it.
"Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple."
Luke 14:25-27, 33
In my mind, this is my ideal. To be able to pick up my cross and follow God, 100%. But in the back of mind, somethings stopping me...whether is laziness, or selfishness, it's hard to break away from.
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