.....

For some reason, I have this really strong feeling of disconnect right now. I have this ideal place in my mind where I want to be...with school, with friends, with family and with God. But it feels like I just keep coming up short.

I have no idea what it is, or maybe I do. I hate how easy it is to procrastinate when it comes to reading my Bible. Why is it so easy to sit down and read a book for hours, when it's so hard to just read my Bible?

Like I said, I have this ideal place where I want to be with God, but I know He wants me to do a lot of work before I can be there. Honestly, I think I'll have to do a lot of re-evaluating and that scares the heebiejeebies out of me. I don't want to give up anything, because it's just easy. This is simple.

I constantly have this re-occurring feeling that time is running out, and I hate it. It's like...I'm always trying to slow things down, and remember everything. There's this little voice in the back of my mind that keeps reminding me that "this is it," you know? It's my last year of high school and that scares me more than anything right now.

I don't even know what I'm going to do when high school is over. People always say that you never talk to half the people you went to high school with...I always hope that I'll be the exception, but I know I won't be. The thought of having to start over scares me.

God has blessed me with so much this year, and included in that, are new friends. Maybe that's God's way of showing me that there's more to life than my bubble. I'm just not ready to say goodbye to my oh-so cushion-y bubble.

With that said, I think I am talking about more than just the brick walls. I'm not ready to just "walk away" from the life where I don't really have to try. That's horrible, I know. But like I said, life like this is easy. It's easy to blend in, and hey, the uniform helps.

But slowly, I'm realizing I'm falling back into this old pattern that got me in so much trouble last year. I'm making friends my priority again, and I've already learned my lesson from that last year.

My friends are great, but last year I learned so much from everything that happened. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to, and sometimes, people disappoint you even though they don't intend to. I know that there's got to be more to my life than that. But right now, it's so easy, it's not easy to just walk away from it.

"Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple."
Luke 14:25-27, 33

In my mind, this is my ideal. To be able to pick up my cross and follow God, 100%. But in the back of mind, somethings stopping me...whether is laziness, or selfishness, it's hard to break away from.