this is good for me.

Today.

Today, I went to SFU with my mama to buy some books/ get my parking permit (for the days i spoil myself and drive). I won the lottery for it, yay me :)...along with at least 100 other people, but still...yay me. Not that I did much...haha.

The campus is way too confusing, plus...it was gloomy today. Times that by ten...and you've got burnaby mountain. I'm honestly contemplating this whole - transferring to UBC after a year (if I can and stuff). But we'll see...a lot changes in a year. But really, I think I really am going to miss high school. Not in the same sense I talked about before. But seriously...it's just so...blah. But nevertheless, I'm kinda curious and anxious about what's in store.

This didn't happen today, but I think I'm really going to like my job. Plus I like my managers and the people I work with - so that's a plus :)

Also, today was a big day in terms of other things..yeah.

All in all, it was a good day.

And it's not even 9 yet, and I'm ready to sleep.

I'm exhausted - mentally, physically and emotionally. Plus I work at 9 tomorrow - and that's early for Summer haha.

Lastly, I am thankful for best friends.

Thank you for always supporting me and listening and all the advice - and telling me what I need to hear even if I don't want to hear it sometimes. Thank you for...just knowing me and getting me.

...Also, I'm thankful for my mom.

thats what she said - the highlight of my day

melissa: okay roleplay...my fav.

something you might not know about me...

i love smelly cheese.

hahaha this quote will probably only be funny to four other people.

j: haha too much information dennis.

d: why is that tmi?

j: i was going to say tmi, but i wasn't sure if you'd know what it meant haha!

d: LOL i know most acronyms. I go to UBC

A Few More.

Ask what most people want out of life and the answer is simple; to be happy. Maybe it’s this expectation though, the wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to the state of bliss, the more confused we get…to the point where we dont recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling…trying like hell to the be the happy people we wish we were. until eventually it hits us, it’s been there all along…not in our dreams or hopes but in the known. the comfortable. the familiar.

--Grey's Anatomy

I believe that everything happens for a reason. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust nobody but yourself. And sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

--Marilyn Monroe

Dear M,

i wasn't sure if this was more fitting for a blog post or a private message between me and m...i guess we'll see after i type out this whole post.

m, you wrote this on your blog: (i hope it's not too private to share)

"....i guess the real issue on my mind was, why can't we all just be friends still? and why does it feel like i'm the one who cares the most, out of anyone else i know. tell me. I'd love to know"

i know personally, it's not that i don't care. on any given night, i could easily dwell on everything that is wrong, or everything that i wish was different. such as things you and i both know i wish i could change, or the fact that i don't live in surrey anymore, or the fact that high school is over...that i probably won't ever see more than half of our grad class ever again. i could easily sit and just close my eyes and remember all the memories vividly like it was just yesterday. i could dwell on all the little things about every single one of our friends...all our little quirks..and even though we were/ are all so different, we just sort of fit together in some weird way. (to this day, i still think that one big thing we had in common was that we all spoke sarcasm fluently, and we were all willing to give/ take a few jabs a day)

but i don't let myself. i don't let myself think about the fact that it's really over..that it'll never be the same way again. i did...but i don't anymore. why? because what's the point? it's not that i don't care - i care a lot. but how many quotes have we read about moving on or about...living life to the fullest, and embracing things for the way they are and making the best of things? sure, it's cliche...but just like "there's truth behind every jk," there's probably some truth behind every cliche, you know?

i found that the more free time i have, the more i think about what could be...or what used to be - and that just doesn't help at all. because like i said, what's the point? dwelling on the past doesn't bring it back, nor does thinking "i wish things were this way..." change things.

Here's a good one: Ida Scott Taylor once wrote: Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.

It's not that I no longer care about the past, or how everything was, or the people in it. It's that I agree with that quote. It's about making some new memories now that you can look back on in another year and miss/ smile at these memories too because they too are "worth remembering."

Also, I think everyone comes to a point where you realize in high school, especially PA, it's easy to be friends with everyone. You see everyone everyday, it's a small school - it's easy. Everyone is your friend. You don't really have to try. Life throws you together, and you don't really have to make an effort. They're there, you're there - might as well be friends. There were even people you didn't even really like - but hey, might as well be friends, right? Haha, just kidding. Maybe. But I think once you get out of that, you realize that you can't really be friends with everyone. My brother told me a long time ago, "It's sad, but one day, you're going to realize that the only thing you really had in common was that you went to the same high school." The optimist in me refused to believe him, and hey, the optimist in me still refuses to believe him. But the realistic in me thinks, if it's hard now, how much harder is it going to be 2 weeks from now when we've all started a new era in our lives - university. When everyone is going to be doing different things, and going different places in their lives. I think that when you accept that everything is going to change - or has already changed, you accept that it's no longer about being friends with everyone. Not that I don't want to be, or wish I could stay friends with everyone - but realistically, that's already not the case, right? I mean, we are all still friends...but not like it once was.

I guess that's when you realize who your real friends really were - or who your real friends really are. Those people who are still in your lives - where the effort is going both ways to stay friends. Because honestly, relationships die if it's not going both ways right?

For me, I can look back on the last month and a half of my Summer, and see the people I've spent time with and smile. (Sorry, that's cheesy - but it's true.) I've already kind of seen which friendships are the ones with the effort is going both ways. I know I'm at fault in some relationships too that I haven't spent time nurturing, and I guess it would be pointless to make excuses for that. Things just change sometimes, which sucks a lot of the time.

But like I said, I could easily dwell on all those people I miss, but it's true what they say, right? It's a two-way street (literally), and the phone goes both ways. I don't know know what the point of this part was...but yeah. I could easily sit and just miss everyone, but I don't. Why? Because, again, what's the point?

I miss everyone, and I probably always will. They'll always be a part of me because everyone has played a huge part in my life - and in who I've become as a person. And I owe that to them. But things change and people change - and that's something that I can't change.

Like I said, it's not that I don't care. I care a lot. But the more I think about it, the more I'll get down on myself, and why do that to myself? I'd rather make my days so beautiful that it'll be worth remembering.

anyone else besides me find this cute?? hahaha

...how's your day? I'll say crazy.

1. I had my training shift today at TCP. It was pretty cool. We get lockers, nametags and headsets. It's pretty legit.

2.Today marks a month of living in Richmond. I honestly can't get over it. Today, I had training, went to the bank...washed my car, went across the street and did some thinking and journalled. It feels so routine and...so everyday to be living here. But not in a way that feels natural either. What feels natural are the times I am driving from richmond to surrey, and I drive through guildford...down 156th and into FH. That feels natural. This...this is just life, I guess.

It feels like a lifetime ago that I was counting down the days til I moved - and not in an excitable way really. Just counting down the inevitable I guess. Feels like just yesterday we were at Miles'/Cassy's for my "surprise" going away party - "Ohh, whatta night.." - haha, and the night after that at Sean's. A couple of nights with friends that I won't forget anytime soon. It was a good way to end...an era. HAHA. I don't know how to put it...but you know what I mean. It was though. Definitely memorable.

3. It's weird to think that in less than a month, I'll be in university. In another month, I would've had orientation..gotten my UPass, found out if I won the stinkin' lottery for parking at school, STARTED school - I'll be a few days into my first week at university...that's pretty exciting and scary and nerve wracking (is that how you spell it?) all at once. Sickkk.

4. I need to buy books for school...hmm. What happened to good ol' school supply lists in the mail telling me exactly what I need? Especially the ones from middle school...miss those already - haha.

5. I want a new phone. Also, I need to start paying for my phone bill soon. New "responsibilities." Hey, it could be worse...and I guess the new phone can wait - haha.

6. Life's pretty funny sometimes eh...or I guess God has a sense of humour - however you wanna look at it. Just when you think you've finally got a handle on things sometimes...then wait, newsflash, you realize that you don't. I guess it's God's way of showing us - and me - that hey, you don't got it all figured out...you still need Me.

7. I'm finally getting over this cold. It was a pretty nasty one - and I don't mean that in a graphic way. It was just a bad cold, and I swear I had a fever one night. But glad that's over. Only a couple more days, I think, and I'll be back to normal :)

8. I did some shopping over the weekend...bought a few tops and a couple of flats and a bag. It's gonna be ridiculous having to pick what to wear every morning. Booo.

9. I'm on a mission to save money and be good with my money. Not going to buy stupid stuff just because I can.

10. I don't let myself think about it much - or at all, but I'm missing some people like crazy.

Sorry for the CHEESSEEEE

Saw this, and had to blog it...why?

Because well, I'm joanne and it was cute. And I live for cute.

"Love isn’t an act, it’s a whole life. It’s staying with her now because she needs you; it’s knowing you and she will still care about each other when sex and daydreams, fights and futures—when all that’s on the shelf and done with. Love—why, I’ll tell you what love is: it’s you at seventy-five and her at seventy-one, each of you listening for the other’s step in the next room, each afraid that a sudden silence, a sudden cry, could mean a lifetime’s talk is over."

I saw this on N's facebook. :)

"Nothing that’s worthwhile is ever easy. Remember that."
— Nicholas Sparks

oh, PA/ high school.

hmm interesting

Whats upppp

Feels like forever ago that I have sat with my laptop in front of me with actual things in my mind that I want to write about. Usually when I sit here, the same thoughts are running through my head. Sometimes too repetitive or shallow for me to always reiterate, or sometimes too deep and complex to bother trying to communicate it. So hopefully, tonight, I have some luck.

To recap, the last couple days have been really fun. Again, days when I hang out with my best friends, it feels like nothing has changed - which is the way it should be right? ("Best friends can grow separately without growing apart.") That is especially the case when I hang out with them in Fraser Heights. It just feels so natural. I think I am past the sulking part of it. I guess I am used to it, or have accepted it at least - that this is where I live now. Might as well make the most of it. And again, I am blessed to have people who make such a big effort to always come and see me and make me feel like I am still at home - that nothing has changed. It's ironic, because like I said once, they have made it both easier and harder at the same time. Which isn't bad necessarily. Thank you, I owe you.

I spent Sunday, yesterday and today with, I would say, the people who know me the best. It was nice. Especially the sleepover with the girlzz, which was long overdue. I have definitely missed those girls...or "us." It feels like a lifetime ago that the four of us were running around on that overgrown field at FIC in our sunday dresses, kicking and blowing at the dandelions. Sitting on the rocks...especially the mermaid one. Yeah, definitely feels like a lifetime ago. I guess when you're 17...10 years is a lifetime ago. Haha, who knew we'd get here, huh? 10 years later, summer after graduation, getting ready to go to university. It felt surreal for the four of us to be walking on the sfu campus together. It sucks that we're all going to different schools next year - well most of us. It was a gong show...But still, thanks for being a part of the madness - today...and also for the last 10 years.

While the last few days have been fun, they've been a whirlwind now that I think about it. I experienced all the different areas of my life - haha, I'll explain that. Like today alone, I was in fh, bby, back in fh, then richmond. Not to mention, I was at PA and then SFU right after. It's just weird thinking about all the different aspects of my life...or the different stages of it at least. It kinda felt otherworldly. Highschool, university, job interview. Yet, I got to experience it with my best friends, which...was the constant amidst the change. I guess I can't complain about that. :)

Hmm what else.

It kinda frustrates me that I've been really bad at...being contemplative really. I don't know why I haven't really sat down and just really thought about things. I mean, there's not really much happening I guess, but still. I don't know. There just used to be so much to talk about...think about, and now I've just kinda stopped. I guess there was a lot more happening, more time spent with friends, more conversations...just more. I don't really know what I mean by all this - but yeah.

On Sunday though, as I was sitting on the balcony and I was just looking down on the rest of the congregation, I was just thinking how...I don't know...BIG God is I guess. Like...I was thinking about my life. All the ups and downs, the rights and wrongs - then I looked around me and it kinda dawned on me...how big and great is our God that he not only knows my story from beginning to end, but also everyone's around me. That's pretty crazy. Not to mention, I was thinking about how...all the diversity sitting in that one congregation. Even sitting in front of me, there was a couple reading the Bible on their iPhone in Korean (I think). I was just kinda thinking to myself like, wow, think about how great God is that He is real to this many people and present in this many lives. Like we all have our own stories right? Our own pasts...or histories. It's pretty crazy how many people God has saved - even sitting in just one congregation of that size it was crazy to think about - and that was just one congregation.

WHAAAT ELSE? Hmmm...

People are pretty funny eh?

Like I think there's three types of people. People who are exactly who you think they are, people who aren't - simply because you jumped to conclusions, or because people just change, and people who are just aren't who you think they are. I mean, most of the time, I like it when people surprise me with who they are. I like it because, it's like hey, cool, there's so much more to you than I thought. It'd be cool to find out more. But there's other times where it's just like...you're not who I thought you were at all. What a shame. - Those surprises aren't the best.

Yet I'm also seeing that there's also another one where sometimes even as well as you think you know a person, sometimes, they can still surprise you. I guess that can be good or bad. In this case, it's good though. :)

Ahhh, okay. I have lost my fire for this blog. It's quite long anyway, and I can't multitask seeing as I am on the phone now. I might as well just publish this. I didn't proofread either. So...don't be too hard on me. Check it lattterrr :)

Goodnight!