m, you wrote this on your blog: (i hope it's not too private to share)
"....i guess the real issue on my mind was, why can't we all just be friends still? and why does it feel like i'm the one who cares the most, out of anyone else i know. tell me. I'd love to know"
i know personally, it's not that i don't care. on any given night, i could easily dwell on everything that is wrong, or everything that i wish was different. such as things you and i both know i wish i could change, or the fact that i don't live in surrey anymore, or the fact that high school is over...that i probably won't ever see more than half of our grad class ever again. i could easily sit and just close my eyes and remember all the memories vividly like it was just yesterday. i could dwell on all the little things about every single one of our friends...all our little quirks..and even though we were/ are all so different, we just sort of fit together in some weird way. (to this day, i still think that one big thing we had in common was that we all spoke sarcasm fluently, and we were all willing to give/ take a few jabs a day)
but i don't let myself. i don't let myself think about the fact that it's really over..that it'll never be the same way again. i did...but i don't anymore. why? because what's the point? it's not that i don't care - i care a lot. but how many quotes have we read about moving on or about...living life to the fullest, and embracing things for the way they are and making the best of things? sure, it's cliche...but just like "there's truth behind every jk," there's probably some truth behind every cliche, you know?
i found that the more free time i have, the more i think about what could be...or what used to be - and that just doesn't help at all. because like i said, what's the point? dwelling on the past doesn't bring it back, nor does thinking "i wish things were this way..." change things.
Here's a good one: Ida Scott Taylor once wrote: Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.
It's not that I no longer care about the past, or how everything was, or the people in it. It's that I agree with that quote. It's about making some new memories now that you can look back on in another year and miss/ smile at these memories too because they too are "worth remembering."
Also, I think everyone comes to a point where you realize in high school, especially PA, it's easy to be friends with everyone. You see everyone everyday, it's a small school - it's easy. Everyone is your friend. You don't really have to try. Life throws you together, and you don't really have to make an effort. They're there, you're there - might as well be friends. There were even people you didn't even really like - but hey, might as well be friends, right? Haha, just kidding. Maybe. But I think once you get out of that, you realize that you can't really be friends with everyone. My brother told me a long time ago, "It's sad, but one day, you're going to realize that the only thing you really had in common was that you went to the same high school." The optimist in me refused to believe him, and hey, the optimist in me still refuses to believe him. But the realistic in me thinks, if it's hard now, how much harder is it going to be 2 weeks from now when we've all started a new era in our lives - university. When everyone is going to be doing different things, and going different places in their lives. I think that when you accept that everything is going to change - or has already changed, you accept that it's no longer about being friends with everyone. Not that I don't want to be, or wish I could stay friends with everyone - but realistically, that's already not the case, right? I mean, we are all still friends...but not like it once was.
I guess that's when you realize who your real friends really were - or who your real friends really are. Those people who are still in your lives - where the effort is going both ways to stay friends. Because honestly, relationships die if it's not going both ways right?
For me, I can look back on the last month and a half of my Summer, and see the people I've spent time with and smile. (Sorry, that's cheesy - but it's true.) I've already kind of seen which friendships are the ones with the effort is going both ways. I know I'm at fault in some relationships too that I haven't spent time nurturing, and I guess it would be pointless to make excuses for that. Things just change sometimes, which sucks a lot of the time.
But like I said, I could easily dwell on all those people I miss, but it's true what they say, right? It's a two-way street (literally), and the phone goes both ways. I don't know know what the point of this part was...but yeah. I could easily sit and just miss everyone, but I don't. Why? Because, again, what's the point?
I miss everyone, and I probably always will. They'll always be a part of me because everyone has played a huge part in my life - and in who I've become as a person. And I owe that to them. But things change and people change - and that's something that I can't change.
Like I said, it's not that I don't care. I care a lot. But the more I think about it, the more I'll get down on myself, and why do that to myself? I'd rather make my days so beautiful that it'll be worth remembering.
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