TO DO LIST

I need to get organized. BIG TIME.

To do list for this weekend:

1. Finish math lessons
2. Revise English PC Essay for Monday
3. Figure out what I need to do for University applications
4. Figure out why Lito hasn't called me back yet for driving lessons.
5. Figure out what we're doing for make-up for grad pics.

6. Run at least once.

7. DEVOS.

8. Book group appts. for grad pics.

9. CP - Babette and Merchant
10. finish reading things fall apart

11. do yb journal

Plus I work all Saturday...this weekend is going to be ridiculous.

I want to crawl into a hole.

i still haven't found what i'm looking for.

"You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've been that you realize how much you need it, how much you love it..." -- One Tree Hill

I realized today that chapel is definitely something I'm going to miss when it's all over.

There were parts of todays chapel, that felt SO real. Like, I'm not going to lie, there are a lot of times when chapel just feels like something I have to do. I take it for granted. And other times, like today, it was just..the opposite of that. And honestly, one of the things I struggle with the most at PA..or just in general, is I don't want to do things for show, and I feel like that's something I notice a lot at PA. I'm definitely not trying to say that in a judgmental way at all. Just..going with the whole "mask" thing, I guess. But anyways, same old story right? It's easy to go along with the motions, and just pretend. I know I've done it, and still am constantly guilty of it.

Today in chapel, I wasn't sure whether to take what I was hearing for real, or just...take it. It's hard to explain, but there were times that I really didn't know what to think, just because it's weird to be in an atmosphere where people are being so real, maybe that's why I'm so hesitant to just take it all in.

But nevertheless, today's chapel was powerful. It showed me how different things can be when people are real. But like I said, this isn't me pointing a finger at all. I know I'm guilty of hiding behind my walls too. I just wish...

It's funny that the song that came on was All by Hillsongs. I heard that song in Middle School in a particular chapel and LOVED it. Y'know? One of those songs that just speaks to you, and I couldn't find it anywhereeee. I still can't. But it goes..."You're the one who gives me shelter, you're the one that leads me home. You're the one that gave forever. Lord, you're all that I know...and with all that I am, unto you I surrender. Lord, there is none like You. And I know that I stand, in the arms of forever. Lord, there is none like You."

When I sang that song that one time in Middle School, I was searching for comfort, acceptance, and love - in all the wrong places, I guess you could say. This song pointed me in the right direction, towards the arms of forever. It was fitting that we sang it again today. Just reminded me of that comfort and love.

It was pretty great. It's weird though, that we just walk away. Song, prayer, song..okay, folks, that's it..lunchtime. I definitely heard a "that's it?" behind me somewhere. It can't have only been me who felt weird that it was something we just walked away from.

I respected their courage for speaking today. I wish I could do it, and honestly, it's not the public speaking, or the possible judgement that scares me. I'd be scared to do it because I'm afraid that I won't be able to say all that I want/ need to say. At the same time, I know it's not up to me to make that happen necessarily. I just don't know. I constantly have this feeling of wanting to make a difference, an impact, whatever. But how do put it into words? That God is real, and that there's more to life than partying. That following God is hard work, but that it's definitely worth it. In that, you don't feel lost, or confused..and maybe you still will, but you know that you're not alone. That God is SO beyond words, that His glory..and love are just...indescribable, uncontainable. That in a lot of ways, it's scary, to put all your faith into something so...unfathomable..and unreal. But at the end of the day, what else is there? It doesn't make sense, yet it does.

How do I explain that..when sometimes, even I have a hard time getting it? Let alone explaining it. Or when sometimes, I'm the one who is struggling, and I'm the one who needs reminding of ALL these things? Maybe, that's the beauty of it..this is definitely something I need to pray about. It's scary, yet..it's not. I lied, maybe it is a little nerve-wracking, the idea of being up there, but like I said, it's scary, yet..it's not. Pray for me?

I don't like the feeling of looking to my left and seeing blank faces that I don't even really know. Those are the people I want to reach. But I don't want to come across as someone who thinks/ acts like she is better than them, because I'm not. I'm just as bad, really. I was blessed, this last year, to find a place where I've had the to opportunity to make sense of some of these things. In a non-cheesy way, I want to reach out to people...show them what I saw today, that it's okay to be real, and not perfect. Because it's only "when you put a face on it, you can beat it." The thing is, it sounds so cliche, and that's the problem. I believe it though..now what?

Seriously, why can't it just be easy?

1-11.

1. The three of us, this is the year. Pray, listen, lead.

2. Best friends can grow separately, without growing apart. It's actually true.

3. You weren't what I expected. That should be enough. Why isn't it?

4. I wish I could help you (more).

5. I don't know what to do with you anymore.

6. Sometimes, I just want to shake you. You're better than this. Remember? 'cause I do.

7. I admire your audacity and your willingness to let people in, wow.

8. There should be more like you. You'll do great things someday.

9. Stoooooooooooooooop, you're trouble.

10. I hope you don't mind.

11. Chin up, buddy. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

this is a battle, and it's your final last call.

"Live and enjoy your life to the fullest. Don't stress out for 'cause life is too short. Follow your dreams. What ever your decision in life we will always support you..You know Dad and I love you very much. We will do anything in the world just to see you happy. I know one day you will find somebody who is gonna love you more than we do. Just trust in the Lord our God"

Grad breakfast was today, and I must say, I was very disappointed in my time capsules. I knew they were lame, I didn't think they'd be THAT lame. My mom's letter was the only good part.

I love my mom. Just sayin'.

I can't believe we're ACTUALLY here. By now, you've probably figured out that I'm one of those sappy, hopeless romantics that likes to (over) analyze everything, and reminisce over things. Yeah, I'm kinda lame sauce like that, it's okay. I hope you can still find it in your heart to love me. :)

But hey, grads of 2010, looks like we finally made it huh? It seems so surreal to have been sitting there, watching the slideshow, walking around in our pjs all day, but we're here. It's funny because I constantly have to remind myself of it. It feels just like any other year. It's good, but in a lot of ways, that makes it so much harder to let go. I've said it before, but I want to this year to be different, I just don't know how yet. It'll come.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

yipes!

Do you know that feeling when you just feel like you're SOO busy, and you're freaking out. Things to do, places to go, people to see - not to mention, you're tired ALL THE TIME. Then you look back on the week...and you realized you weren't really that busy after all? Yeah, well that keeps happening to me. Which keeps getting in the way..scratch that..I keep LETTING it get in the way of reading my Bible. Shucks. I need to get back on track. And I will. I feel so behind in everything, it's ridiculous.

I really need to start running again. I'm so out of shape, literally. It's not like I'm ranting about being fat or whatever, I just feel gross, so I need to do that too. Really. I want to fit into my grad pictures dress. Which, speaking of, I need to make a make-up appointment for. Also, speaking of appointments, I need to book more driving lessons. OH MY! I need to stop being so..lazy. Laziness = BAD! I need to get a day planner..my agenda smells like apple juice. Yuck.

First report cards in less than a month. Crunch time people. I hate crunch time.

why i love sunday nights.

Funny, what's this feeling of relief that I feel?

I guess it was all leading up to this anyway.
I guess you're just not as perfect for me as I thought you could've been.
I always told myself I needed butterflies, nothing's changed.

Anyways, Same deal right?
"The right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing."

Maybe... it was just wrong all along. My mistake.

Oh well.

and it's still so hard to be who you are, so you play this part, and the show goes on.

It was so depressing watching this today...I used to watch Laguna Beach every monday(?) night..in middle school? So in essence, it's as much part of their past as it is a part of mine. It's just funny because they seemed so much older back then...Not to mention cooler.

It sucked having to think/ talk about what would happen to all of us after high school. Truth is, I think we all do have an unspoken understanding that we probably won't stay (close) friends after high school. If we all know that, then why cant we change it? A part of me tells me that it's too late to even fix everything, and that breaks my heart.

I understand it. It's a part of life, right? I'd like to believe that the people I've spent almost everyday with in the past 7 years aren't just my friends because we went to the same school. And I'd like to believe that I actually built some solid friendships here in the last 7 years. I'd like to believe that.

Truth is though, I don't imagine that many, if any, of us will stay together after high school. But the thing is...I can't imagine any of us apart either.

What's your story?

Sometimes, I sit and read my old blog entries from 2008 (hahah, pardon the nerdiness of this sentence..) and I feel like I've become less insightful, and that upsets me very much. I used to be the type of person who would just have to write about all these things that I was learning..and now, I have nothing to write about. It makes me wonder, have I become shallow? Straight up, this worries me. The fact that I say straight up, and love it, worries me. That's okay though. I like being G. ..Not the point.

Well today, I was talking to a friend of mine, and we were talking about another group of friends (in a none gossipy way, I promise..) and how they live this certain way...and she said, "change them then." and I said, "I can't change them." Then, I realized, I'm scared. I'm scared to put myself out there, where do I even start? I guess, looking back on it now, I've always tried the easy route, of leading my example..that whole, "..if necessary, use words." kinda dealie. I learned at youth one time that that's not necessarily the right mentality. Words are necessary.

This is going to sound very Martin Luther King Jr. - ish, but this year, I want to make a difference. How? I don't really know exactly. Actually, I don't even know what it means yet. But I will, and when I do, I'll let you know.

A part of me thinks, who am I to even think that I have the right to do this?

I don't know the answer to that either. I'm just Joanne. Anyways, point is, it's the last year of high school - something that I constantly have to remind myself of - and I don't want it to be just like any other year. I hate the fact that I've become apathetic to a lot of things. That's not like me at all.

Also...hmm, I think what I really want to do is get to know people better...everyone has a story. That's definitely something I'm learning. It's really to maintain outward appearances..as he walks down the hallway, you'd never know that his heart is breaking, or that she deals with more than anyone should ever have to deal with. That...there's really more to him than meets the eye, or that she's struggling with a lot of things right now.

It breaks my heart to know that I've spent almost 7 years with a lot of these people, and even at least 2 years with my closest friends, and I couldn't tell you half the things I would like to be able to. And yet, there's other people that I've known for two weeks that I feel closer to. Relationships are funny that way...I think it all just takes time. I've got time. I've got a year at least. I want to hear people's story...and maybe, by doing so, I can share mine.

--This was from another friend last night, thanks R.

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."

--1 Timothy 4:12

i've found time can heal almost anything, and you just might find who you're supposed to be...

Brooke: Listen, I know it's been difficult for you lately, losing Keith and your heart condition and giving up basketball. I feel like I've been keeping you close to me to try to protect you from those things. Like I'm hanging onto the two of us for you, but not for me....we go days without having a meaningful conversation. And I used to miss you so much when that happened but it never seemed like you missed me. And I guess because of it I stopped missing you.

all at once

Maybe you started to compare to something not there...perfection will not come.
And all at once, the crowd begins to sing...

Sometimes, we never know what's wrong without the pain,
Sometimes, the hardest thing and right thing are the same.

<3

Sometimes, I forget how I blessed I am...

I am so thankful for them.

...

“I know it seems hard sometimes but remember one thing. Through every dark night, theres a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it get, stick your chest out, keep ya head up.... and handle it.”

-Tupac

oh, how things have changed.

Really? It's only been a year? Wow.

:(

I should be doing math...this week is a nightmare as far as math goes.

I just got back from the PA vs. FVC game...and although, like I said, I should've been doing math, I'm so glad I went. I went to cheer on the Sr. girls...but I ended up seeing a bunch of the grads. It made me sooo sad. Old sentimental me, but it actually felt like nothing changed. They were back being the grade 12s, and we were back to being the grade 11s. It didn't feel like they were grads..or that they were in university. They were always a big part in what made high school memorable for me. I forgot how much I missed them.

Melissa Rox..ha, really.

REALLY, WHY DOES MATH EXIST?!
anyways, mel wrote this for me..because she's so rad.

"Maybe im not saying anything new, but a best friend is like that favorite stuffed animal that you've had since you were born. Its perfect. Its been through all your tears, its slid down the banister, its been in your breakfast, washed multiple times, sat on a few too many, its had so many hugs a seam broke, it needs new eyes because one of the buttons fell off, its heard you sing...badly, its been kicked when you're mad; but ultimately it's the only thing that you look for when you need something to hug and the familiarity of comfort. You look for it, but then there's also something about the brand new teddy bear - the one that's fur is so soft that you just can't help but holding it, and both of its eyes are on. It's kind of enticing.
However, at the end of the day you would still pick your childhood memory because you know it, and in an uncreepy sense, it knows you. It has soft spots that only you would know about and the one button eye it has looks at you way better than the 2 plastic ones of new bear.
You'll always be there, he knows that, you know that, because he is there too.... he knows you, and in an uncreepy sense, you know him. It has soft spots that only you would know about and the one button eye it has looks at you way better than the 2 plastic ones of new bear. "

When the waves are flooding the shore, when I can't find my way home anymore...

A part of me wants to smack you, the other part of me wants to smack myself.

I'll do neither though. Because everything's fine, I'm fine.
No, really, I am. I don't need you as much as I thought I would. I just wish I didn't seem so replaceable. And you know what? I'm tired of trying.

Everything I've ever needed to know, I learned in HIGH SCHOOL..."

How is it only October?! It hasn't even been two weeks of school yet, and I feel like a kajillion things have changed since Summer. Change can be good right? It's good, but it's bad, yet it's great.

Anyways, I wrote this for English...it was a personal choice writing assignment. It's more.."magazine article-ish." Anyways, Enjoy.

"Everything I'ver ever needed to know, I learned in HIGH SCHOOL..."
- by Joanne Sih

When I was younger, I used to ask myself, everyday, what the point of school was. To be honest, I still do. Every time I have to sit in math and work through logarithms, I ask myself what the point of school is. When am I ever going to need to know how to find the inverse of an exponent again, or know how to plot it? Then I take a look around, and see my pained expression mirrored on all my classmates’ faces. I then realize that we all don’t understand why we have to go through the agony of math 12. Despite being forced to suffer through math 12, I found comfort in knowing that I wasn’t alone in what I was feeling. It was then that I realized it was rare to ever really be alone in what I was feeling in high school. Whether it’s frustration over math, over other academics, friends, or a boy, I wasn’t alone. The people around me at that very instant, the ones struggling through those math problems with me, are the ones who have helped me become who I am today. That’s when I realized what the point of school was all along. It wasn’t to help me learn how to spell words like “segue,” or learn how to graph a reciprocal of a function, but to help make me into the person I have become.
When I was younger, I just couldn’t wait to grow up. Being 16 and talking to boys who didn’t have cooties was the definition of “cool” to me. Looking back on it now, I wish I spent more time running around on the playgrounds and chasing the boys with cooties. It was easier when the only things that could break were bones, and when the biggest decision I had to make was who to share my snack with. Little did I know being
16 meant that the world would feel like it’s moving too fast, too soon and that the only comfort is in knowing that you’re not going through it alone.
The biggest lesson that became evident to me in high school was that it’s important to surround yourself with people that will help you be the best person that you can be. The hardest part is finding out who those people are because sometimes, people don’t always turn out the way you expect them to.
I learned that sometimes, people can really surprise you. The ones you expected to always be there can disappoint you even though they never meant to. Those are the surprises that you wish you could have done without. Then there are the people who can surprise you in the best way. This year, the guy I once fell the hardest for because my best friend. It taught me that other times, the ones you never expected to be there are the ones who are. Those are the people who help build you back up, when the going gets tough. They’re the ones who keep the rest of the world out when you just need some time alone. Those are the people I’ll miss the most when high school is over.
It’s sad to think that in a few months, these people I’ve spent almost every day with for the past 7 years, will just be part of what high school used to be. I constantly complain about having to learn about logarithms, and how I have to memorize chemistry equations, but I know I’ll miss high school when it’s over. I now know that school is so much more than the academics. High school puts us in situations that test us and help us build character. It puts us in a place that teaches us lessons that are much more important than word definitions and word problems. It’s a place that prepares us for the “real world.” It’s here that we learn the importance of the choices we make, and how important it is to surround ourselves with good people. If we’re lucky, we find people who will surprise us and who are there to help us through more than just math problems. And sometimes, if we’re really lucky, we even find people who help make high school a place that we’re sad to leave.
If that’s the definition of lucky, then I consider myself more than lucky.

AWOL

Darn, I wish I blogged about this the other night, but I've been so busy, lazy..both.

So, the other night, I went to my first AWOL night...wow. Actually, I didn't even tell my parents it wasn't a regular youth night. Gahh, on a different note, I miss my parents. They're so MIA these days. But anyways, I just didn't tell them. I will, eventually. I just felt like they wouldn't let me go...and I really wanted to go.

It was so sketch, for real. I was reallly nervous to go. BUT, I am soo glad I went. I ended up being in a group with Michiko, Paula and Andrew, and we met this guy named Darcy. Let me tell you, it's nothing like anything I've ever done before. So, we're walking around...after we gave away the clothes we had, and we finally meet this guy named Darcy. We approach him, and he clearly just pulled a needle out of his bag, and we're like, "Hi, we're from Willingdon Church....we were wondering if you would let us buy you some dinner?"

It was suchhh an eye-opener..he agreed. But he was like, "can I just finish this first?" -- and he was talking about the needle in his hand..and so we're like uh huh, sure. we'll wait for you right here.

So, we went to mcd's and bought him a burger..I feel like we didn't help him too much except buy him a meal. He said he goes to church every sunday, but he's still a criminal and a drug addict. He kept saying how it's all about choices. He let us pray with him and what not..and he listened. Except he didn't really commit to anything we told him. It was kind of discouraging, but we prayed for him after...

While we were there, there was another guy at the bus stop who was listening to our conversation. He was saying how he's been to church too, but now he's an atheist..and how he believes that it was all just a part of his evolution, and now he just doesn't believe in it anymore. We tried talking to him too, but he had to leave because his bus got there.

It was sooo crazy for me, being there. I'm so used to being in my safe little bubble...I hardly knew what to do with myself. It's not like I'm ashamed of my faith, because I'm not. I just found it realllly hard to put what I thought into words in fear of making him mad, or scaring him away.

I realized after though that I should've said more...I definitely want to do it again.

The weird part was...both those guys were sooo confused as to why we were there. They both thought it was a punishment or something. I wish I had been able to tell them that we did it because we loved Jesus and wanted to share that with other people...but things just got in the way..and the opportunity just passed me by. I hate to admit that, but it did. I wish I had the chance to re-do that night...

I do know what to expect for next time though...