i still haven't found what i'm looking for.

"You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've been that you realize how much you need it, how much you love it..." -- One Tree Hill

I realized today that chapel is definitely something I'm going to miss when it's all over.

There were parts of todays chapel, that felt SO real. Like, I'm not going to lie, there are a lot of times when chapel just feels like something I have to do. I take it for granted. And other times, like today, it was just..the opposite of that. And honestly, one of the things I struggle with the most at PA..or just in general, is I don't want to do things for show, and I feel like that's something I notice a lot at PA. I'm definitely not trying to say that in a judgmental way at all. Just..going with the whole "mask" thing, I guess. But anyways, same old story right? It's easy to go along with the motions, and just pretend. I know I've done it, and still am constantly guilty of it.

Today in chapel, I wasn't sure whether to take what I was hearing for real, or just...take it. It's hard to explain, but there were times that I really didn't know what to think, just because it's weird to be in an atmosphere where people are being so real, maybe that's why I'm so hesitant to just take it all in.

But nevertheless, today's chapel was powerful. It showed me how different things can be when people are real. But like I said, this isn't me pointing a finger at all. I know I'm guilty of hiding behind my walls too. I just wish...

It's funny that the song that came on was All by Hillsongs. I heard that song in Middle School in a particular chapel and LOVED it. Y'know? One of those songs that just speaks to you, and I couldn't find it anywhereeee. I still can't. But it goes..."You're the one who gives me shelter, you're the one that leads me home. You're the one that gave forever. Lord, you're all that I know...and with all that I am, unto you I surrender. Lord, there is none like You. And I know that I stand, in the arms of forever. Lord, there is none like You."

When I sang that song that one time in Middle School, I was searching for comfort, acceptance, and love - in all the wrong places, I guess you could say. This song pointed me in the right direction, towards the arms of forever. It was fitting that we sang it again today. Just reminded me of that comfort and love.

It was pretty great. It's weird though, that we just walk away. Song, prayer, song..okay, folks, that's it..lunchtime. I definitely heard a "that's it?" behind me somewhere. It can't have only been me who felt weird that it was something we just walked away from.

I respected their courage for speaking today. I wish I could do it, and honestly, it's not the public speaking, or the possible judgement that scares me. I'd be scared to do it because I'm afraid that I won't be able to say all that I want/ need to say. At the same time, I know it's not up to me to make that happen necessarily. I just don't know. I constantly have this feeling of wanting to make a difference, an impact, whatever. But how do put it into words? That God is real, and that there's more to life than partying. That following God is hard work, but that it's definitely worth it. In that, you don't feel lost, or confused..and maybe you still will, but you know that you're not alone. That God is SO beyond words, that His glory..and love are just...indescribable, uncontainable. That in a lot of ways, it's scary, to put all your faith into something so...unfathomable..and unreal. But at the end of the day, what else is there? It doesn't make sense, yet it does.

How do I explain that..when sometimes, even I have a hard time getting it? Let alone explaining it. Or when sometimes, I'm the one who is struggling, and I'm the one who needs reminding of ALL these things? Maybe, that's the beauty of it..this is definitely something I need to pray about. It's scary, yet..it's not. I lied, maybe it is a little nerve-wracking, the idea of being up there, but like I said, it's scary, yet..it's not. Pray for me?

I don't like the feeling of looking to my left and seeing blank faces that I don't even really know. Those are the people I want to reach. But I don't want to come across as someone who thinks/ acts like she is better than them, because I'm not. I'm just as bad, really. I was blessed, this last year, to find a place where I've had the to opportunity to make sense of some of these things. In a non-cheesy way, I want to reach out to people...show them what I saw today, that it's okay to be real, and not perfect. Because it's only "when you put a face on it, you can beat it." The thing is, it sounds so cliche, and that's the problem. I believe it though..now what?

Seriously, why can't it just be easy?