some the words i couldnt say, but wish i could.

with 2009 comin' to an end...this is dramatic old me shinin' through. maybe you'll find yourself...

1. you're number one because i can look back on 2009 and think of what happened as one of my biggest regrets. i'm sorry. i know i've said it before, but i am. we were once such a big part of each other's lives..and so much has happened that got in the way. yet i know..i wasn't always innocent. sorry i mean, okay, i'll be real, i was to blame for a lot of it too. we both were right? but i'm sorry for everything that happened that shouldn't have, and anything that i could've prevented but didn't. after everything that happened, i think we're finally at a good place. i'm really sorry i wasn't a better friend to you in times of trouble. it's not always about me. i know that now. i guess it's too late now to change anything, but i think everything that happened has helped shaped us into who we are today and despite everything, i think it helped us be stronger people. i guess the only thing we can do is move forward, and just take it one day at a time, like we have been doing..and i think it's been working. i'm sorry for everything that is happening now. i had no idea. it makes me feel even worse because once upon a time, we would've tried to work through all of it together, but now..well, you know. like i said, one of my biggest regrets was how everything turned out. i'm not sorry for what it has taught me. but i am sorry for how i hurt you when i know you could've done without it, considering the circumstances. despite all the drama, and the craaap we went through, you taught me a lot. the circumstances showed me the person i dont want to be, and they showed me the person i want to strive to be. so thanks. i wish i could take away all this pain... but you're strong. you prove that to everybody every single day by dealing with everything with the strength and maturity that you have. like i said, you're strong. i know that.. and i hope you know that too. you'll get through this. and i do miss you. just because everything that happened happened doesn't mean i don't miss you. i still think of the good times we had. lulu bubu mumu, crazy handshakes, piggy, mutations, long walks to think...to name a few.. were a huge part of what helped me become the person i am. thank you for everything. as for us, i guess only time will tell right? one day at a time, just like we've learned to do. keep your head up. this isn't the end, it's only the beginning, and the beginning of something better. like i said, you'll get through this.

2. maan, i don't even know where to start. first of all, he doesn't know what he's missing. you're a catch, and i wish he could see what i see! so much compassion, so much kindness..so much strength. you surprise me, because like i said, you're one of the strongest people i know. one look at you, and you'd never be able to tell. you too, handle everything with such maturity and strength. i don't know where you get it from, and i am so proud of how far you have come. but really, i wish he could see all that. if i could shake some sense into him, believe me, i would. you helped me through a lot this year, and i'm sorry that when i was trying to find myself, i managed to let go of you. that was a bad move, and unfair. still, you showed so much understanding and compassion. again, thank you. secondly, i wish i could just wrap you up in a hug and just take you away from everything. well the first part, i will do as soon as i can, and i wish the second was a little more possible. you know i'm here for you, and will always try and help you in the best way i can. i wish there was more though. it's so unfair, and i wish i could shake some sense into him too. you deserve better. you deserve the best, and more..cliche? haha maybe so, but it's daa truth. i wish i could give you more. this year was a gongshow, and you know i couldn't have done it without you. we struggled through some pretty hard stuff. aiintt that daa truth, but dude, we made it. its grad year. who knew this year would come? thank you, thank you, thank you - for everything. you da, you da best. wish they could both see it.

3. goodness me, boys boys boys. who needs 'em eh? hahah, who knew this is where we'd be at the end of '09? haha randomly meeting last year..and this is where we're at. thank goodness for facebook and you bein' a creep. joking! no, but really..HAHA. those deep talks til 2am were ridiculous and took a toll on me..but they were worth it. struggling through so many issues and talks about the deep stuff..and not so deep stuff. haha those were definitely worth it. i WOULD say that i wish he would come to his senses, but come on..you don't need him. you don't. you deserve so much better. you really do. you're so independent, fun and caring...you know you could do so much better than the way he treats/ treated you. i'm sorry he turned out to be such a jerk. i'm sorry about all the other stuff too...man, you also handle it so well - better than i ever could. but in these times, look to Him, because only He will be able to give you the answers that you are looking for. but easy to say, harder to do eh? but know, this is the faaar from judgement..not at all me trying to tell you what to do. i mean it as an encouragement. and you know, i love you. I'm always here to talk.

4. you were always a strong shoulder to lean on, a strong hand to hold...someone i could always always always rely on in times of trouble, in times of just having fun, and everything in between. you were there from the beginning, and i am always thankful for our friendship. i really don't even know what i would've done without you half the time. you went through a lot too, and i know i definitely could've showed more patience during those times. more understanding...more compassion. oh, how i would do it differently if i could. you showed me the definition of a friend. i wish i measured up better. despite all the hardship, you made it through, stronger. props. i don't think i could've done it. really. but you did. it wasn't an easy feat. there's something better. you're destined for something better. you deserve the best. you really do. you are soo loving, you care for everyone around you, and have picked up my slack on more than one occasion. thank you. thank you for always being there, and for continuing to be. i'm glad for all the circumstances that brought us together, and for all the circumstances that kept us so close together. i don't know if we would've found eachother otherwise. i can't imagine what it would've been like without you. less fun, less interesting, less entertaining...just less without your friendship. so again, thank you and i laav you :)

5. you alwaays keep me on my toes, you're crazy. it's so great. you also, were a strong shoulder to lean on and a strong hand to hold. you were my comic relief, but also an understanding friend through everything. i'm glad we got to know each other before pa..before high school..before everything. i don't know if we would've found each other either. that would've been terrible. you helped me through a lot too. just by being there, you taught me a lot. you trusted me a lot that one day...thank you. life is pretty funny sometimes. we've come a really really really long way from that one day in the courtyard. so much has changed...yet you remained the same.. independent, driven, always caring, always fun to be around. i wish i could find you that boy, but i don't have much of a radar for them..and i apologize. hahah. thankkk you for everything, and for being an amazing person i could always turn to.

6. i misss you. you were a stranger one second, and one of my closest friends the next. i admire your ability to let people in. so trusting..so loving. i'm sorry that some people took advantage of that. you know you deserve better. you have this amazing quality about you that just makes it SO easy to be your friend. man, i wish we had better resources to hang out more often. i mean, to hang out..period. but really, what happened? we used to talk so much..and now..really, i miss you. but life happens, we both knoww that. but i'm glad for everything, and the deep talks..and everything you have taught me. you were so open, so easy to talk to..it was hard to believe we just met. you dealt with everything...in such a way i can't even comprehend. and you continue to...i'm glad you're happy now in that aspect of your life. and i'm sorry other aspects are sadder, and harder to deal with. but i'm glad you have found something deeper, Someone greater than all the earthly pain. and i admire your steadfastness. i am also glad you have found someone else you can lean on amidst the earthly pain. like i said, i'm glad you're happy. you know i'll be praying for you. also, thank you... i needed you during that time, and God sent you before i even knew i would need someone like you. so thank you..for just taking the time to care.

7. i don't even know where to start. i've been staring at number 7 for a while...hmm, has it been 5 years already? haha time flies...so much has changed..i mean, just think of the boys from then, and now..hahah. oh my. writing poems...blogs from back then. we were mature..naat. it was goodtimes though. i'm glad for all of it. we drifted there for a while, but i'm glad the internet has helped us stay in touch. HAHA, oh technology. really though, it has. but i am glad. those late nights...i mean early, REALLY early, mornings...held some pretty important talks. defs cut into the beauty sleep, but they were still worth it. they helped me understand so much, and reflect on a lot. thank you for being available to listen, and for taking the time to help. i'm sorry life is so hectic that we've drifted, a big regret. because you also taught me what a true friend is. best friends can grow separately without growing apart right? you showed me that too. thank you for still being there. hey, he's just a boy. maybe he was sent, only to show you that there is something better out there. it's only a preview for what is to come for you! hah..you know i'd say more..but..i'll save it. tell me again? haha just kidding, don't..because you don't..or you WON'T. soon. :) the best is still to come! and i am glad for everything else. that you have such a strong calling, and i admire your obedience. i am glad that you and your mom are better...i am glad that things are a little easier. you know i'm still always here to talk.

8. i guess i was wrong. i misjudged the distance, jumped too early...all those sorts of metaphors. bottom line, you weren't what i expected. both good, and bad. still, i hate to say it, but they were all right. i hoped to prove them wrong. i didn't. which is not to say you're a bad person, because you're not. you're a good person, just not the best person for me. not now, and maybe not ever.

9. thank you for being so easy to talk to, and just being available. for taking the time to be there, and for taking the time to do a simple gesture. im glad i met you. you don't know how far a little thing goes. you're funny, haha, and loving. such a deadly combination...everyone wants to be your friend. true story. how is it that we just meeeett?! haha this is short and sweet. in short, you're pretty great. im thankful for our friendship. you're a cool cat.

10 . ah last, but not least. where to start, where to start. haha, i was right you know. well, i mean, i thought i was perfect for you, and i am...but just not in the way i thought i would be. funny how life is sometimes! haha. this friendship had the oddest start, but nevertheless, i'm thankful for it. always am. it's a rollercoaster. it really is. but i think we dealt with everything the best we could, and hey, i think we did pretty well. thanks, thanks, thanks for everything you helped me through, for everything you taught me, and for continuing to be there. this year was a doozy, to say the least. i don't think could've done it without you. it was odd, like coming full circle. yet, it was cool. i'm sorry for all the crappy situations that came with the territory. you are a great person, and i'm glad that you're on this road to "recovery." haha, the phrase seems fitting, so just go with it. thank you for letting me in and being transparent. i know it's not something you just do, so thank you. i'm sorry if i've ever fallen short in the friend dept, because considering how well you've treated me, i ooowee you big time. thanks for being so understanding, and patient and caring. you know you deserve the best. and i'm glad that despite the bumpy, winding road, you're here now. i'm glad that you're keeping your head up, searching for something better, pressing on towards the goal. i am so proud of everything you've accomplished, and that despite everything, you never lost heart. you know, i enjoyed every do-nothing day. soome good times fo'sho. again, thanks. you da, you da best too.

---------------------
ah, i'm losing my fire to write/ think.
more to come...maybe.

kajdfkja

oh my, i feel so lame. sitting here, 2 days before christmas (we're a day ahead), at 9:00 at night...on the computer. i should really be out..but i'm 17, and halfway across the world, sigh.

it'd be different if i grew up here. i'm sleeping at my aunts house tonight. darn, i really should've brought my bible and my journal. :( but i hate asking the driver to do stuff for me. like i said, i hate telling them to do stuff. i mean im 17. i have no right to tell them to do something for me..yet they act like their life revolves around it. it's so..ahh. yet, its just the way life is here. it pains me!

it's weird that little things like math tests and homework are such a big deal..when i come here, and am faced with much much bigger things like so much poverty. its weird to come from a place that is moving forward in every way, technology, resources..etc.; then to come to a place that is only moving backwards. for example..in canada, everyone's trying to "go green." drinking from reusable bottles, using ecofriendly bags..yet here, its the total opposite..and it's like there is no way to stop it.

the ones who can afford to do it, only drink bottled water. even at home. only because the water here is so dirty that you cant drink any of it. plus, it's so hot here, so people are continuously drinking lots and lots of water to avoid dehydration. it's such a culture shock. here, you either have money or you dont..and you're stuck. even your family is stuck. like..it's impossible to get out of the poverty once you're in.

again, i am reminded of how blessed i am. i could just as easily still live here..and live a completely different life. i often sit in traffic and just look out the window and think of how lucky and blessed i am to live in Canada. it's easy for me to be here..its a vacation. i can be here for two weeks and be gone - away from all the poverty, and hardships and be back in my comfortable life. but i ask myself..what about the people who aren't on vacation? ..and i'm stumped.

this is life for them. it doesn't get any better. sure you can give them money, (50 pesos is huge to them..when its only like a dollar to us)..but what does that fix? not to mention, it's illegal to give people on the street money now. labour is so cheap here too..i wish i could pack them all up and bring them to Canada. i wish.

again, i am so blessed and thankful.

its weird that this is a bigger culture shock for me than outreach was...it's not like this is new to me. i guess i was too young to really take notice of it before.

it's easy to be able to close my eyes and escape, and in less than two weeks, i can. but what about the people who cant? i dont even know what to say/ do/ think.

how can feel i all this..but still have a great time here..because i am. like i said, despite all that, i am enjoying being back with the family, and experiencing all the things i used to enjoy as a kid.
i feel like a hypocrite.

kjadkfjakfjkafjkafaf.

Hot is an understatement...

I forgot how hot it can get here..oh my.

It's not even like a sunny kind of hot though..it's like a sticky, humid, smoggy kind of hot. I've been sitting in my aunt's kitchen, playing with her doggies, sweating like crazzy..hahaha. I look like I just took a shower...sick.

It's so nice being back here...

First, because it's so nice to be back with the family. Second, because this is my second home. I come back here...and it's like I never left. Minus people looking older, technology being different..all that, it's like I never left. I can open up the closet and find everything the way we left it. All my toys from when I was little...alll the pictures of me posing like a little diva..still where they always were. Like yesterday, at my grandma's house, I found this teeny little leather jacket. it was seriously like 2 feet big..haha. and it was my DAD's..crazy. My dad wore it, then one of my brothers wore it, then I wore it. It's so great. I always missed this in Canada.

It's a little different this time around though, a lot of things HAVE changed because of the flood that just happened. It's so sad hearing the stories...and it's like such a humbling thing too because it reminds me how blessed I am to be living in North America..like it's nice here, but I couldn't ever live here. Plus, ordering like maids around again...something I could never get used to. It's so weird. I hate having to do it because it's so not the custom in Canada, you know?

There's like two worlds here, there's the world of all the poverty. Like you can drive..and see all these little kids begging for money, yet apparently, a lot of it is a scam and the kids get taken at night and don't really get to keep the money. It's so sad. And then there's the world of the well-off. It's hard to picture how such a wide spectrum of things can live in one small place. It's crazy.

It's so different from where we live.

Anyways, I don't have much time.

But like I said, it's nice being back and spending lots of time with the family. I've missed them.

Hope you guys are having a good break.

<3.

PS. how cold is it there? It was approx. 29 degrees when we landed here..

Like I said, Hot is an understatement - haha.

car's list of things for me to do in the Philippines:

1. be super "magalng" when you come back

2. get your hair cut by a gay guy

3. find sam concepcion for her

4. go to greenhills

5. eat jolibee

6. think about carmela "errnight" for 1 hour.

I'll try to not let you down Car, I''ll try.

I want to be forever youngg..

Life is so funny.

The last four years of high school went by so slow, yet so fast at the same time. I can remember certain moments vividly, and other moments just seem like a blur. Mrs. S was talking the other day about how sometimes, the things that seem like a big deal to us, aren't as big of a deal to everyone else.

I'm a sentimental freak, and even though there were times I just wanted to be out of high school, I wish I could just stay here forever. Sure, I wan't to start fresh and experience new things, meet new people. But I'll miss it, even more than I probably expect.

I look around at my friends sometimes, and I am at a lost for words at how far we've come. If you told me four years ago that this was how things would end up, I don't know if I would've believed you. I'm friends with people I never thought I would become friends with, and yet I lost touch with some people I thought I would never stop being friends with. Like I said, life's pretty funny sometimes.

The other day, we talked about determinism vs. fatalism in CP. I think I believe more in determinism. If I understood the definition correctly that is. I don't necessarily believe that the way everything turned out was exactly how things were supposed to turn out. Personally, I know there are a lot of things I could've done differently. Not to say that I have a lot of regrets. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but I think that our choices play a huge part in who we become. There are certain points in my life that I can point to and know that had I done something differently there, my life and the circumstances around me would be different. There are parts of me that wish I could re-do some things, yet I think ultimately, things have worked out for the best. Whether they were always the best choice in the situation, maybe not...but nevertheless, they taught me something along the way. I found out a long time ago that I shouldn't wallow in my mistakes because that'll get me nowhere. It's about knowing when to pick myself up, and knowing when I need to move past it.

I always tell myself that it's not good to live in yesterday - that it'll get me nowhere. Sometimes, I don't always remember that, but it's daa truth right?

I've complained about SO MANY things along the way, I know...but I need to wake up and realize that like I said, living in yesterdays won't get me anywhere.

Here's to the last 6 months.

I am so tireeed.

My math test is going to be ridiculous tomorrow (**edit: I mean later on today)...I wish I was more inclined to try. I mean, I am kind of worried about my math mark. Thaass daa truth. But I am soo close to leaving for the Philippines..so close that I can almost smell it...that I can't even focus. I CAN'T WAIT.

So here I am, 2:30 in the morning, blogging instead of studying. I'm going to wake up early. Wow, fun day. I need to look into schools...I'll do that in San Fran..

I'm so excited to leave, yet a part of me wishes I was spending Christmas here..y'know? This is home. Yet Philippines means spending time with the family. I need to visit anyway. It's been three years. But I mean, both places have aspects of home. It's funny because the verb in Filipino to go to the Philippines is like "I'm going home to the Philippines." Vancouver is home, but so is Quezon city. I mean home is where the heart is right?

Two weeks will go by so fast..this year is going by ridiculously fast. Oh my.

ONLY 10 MORE HOURS.

in than 10 hours, I will be in vacation mode. I just need to finish this package, and finish that killer math test tomorrow, and I am donezeees.

My ring :(

Bad news friends, I lost it AGAIN. If/ when I find it, I'll wear it around my neck or something. Sighhh.

** edit: oh my, it hasn't even been an hour...but everytime I blog about my losing my ring, I find it. haha CUHRAZY! :) It was in the bottom of my bag...haha I found it while I was digging around for my eraser...how did that happen?

IMG00039.jpg

I drew this for cp, I la-la-love it. People kept thinking I had a foot fetish....well, I don't.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

another list yo.

Time for another list? I think so.

1. OH MY, this week has felt like the longest week ever. It was so fun, yet so busy..and so tiring, but so great.

2. Yearbook deadline: tonight @ midnight....we are screwed. This was supposed to be great :( Also, I don't even want to think about the next deadline...what happens to the sports pages we need pictures for? AHH!

3. I eat, and eat, and eat when I'm stressed. I don't even notice. Currently, I am munching on Pocky. Normally, I don't count calories, but since I don't take PE, and am so bad at keeping up on exercise...I am worried BECAUSE I need to fit into my bridesmaid dress and I'd rather not look like I'm preggo. HAHA, okay, but no really. This is terrible. Food is just so much good. I need to run (away from all this food). This last Pocky that is in my mouth will be my last piece of junk food before I go to the Phil. Really. I'm gonna run tomorrow. No really.

4. I was really debating whether I should go to school today, but I did because I had some cereal things to do..it was a ridiculously long day. But it started off great because I got 88% on my math test. Which is a HUGE accomplishment seeing as I really hate math....which is an understatement. Speaking of, I have a quiz tomorrow...sigh.

5. I need to call Lito for driving lessons for when I get back. Need to do that tomorrow.

6. Game promos...Eng project. Oh my. So much to do before I LEAVE!

7. I love my friends.

8. Every time I see the grade 12s, it still feels the same. It's like they never left.

9. Snow is highly inconvenient sometimes, but I am so ready for some...I mean, it's so cold anyway, so why not?!

As busy as this week is/ was...

It was so much fun. Tuesday and Wednesday night = SO GREAT.

My bed feels like a cloud...a soft, inviting cloud...

When I fail my math test tomorrow, I'll have no one else to blame, but myself...and all the pretty little presents under our Christmas tree, and the Christmas tree, and metrotown for being such an enticing place to go Christmas shopping.

I am so glad we are on semesters.

This week:

Monday: Math Test, continue to work on game promo/ take yearbook pics @ Lunch + Afterschool.

Tuesday: The real beginning of chapter 6 for math, Impact Christmas Banquet :)

Wednesday: GRAD CHRISTMAS BANQUET! :)

Thursday: YEARBOOK DEADLINE (yikes!)/ 1 week til Philippines!

Friday: I will probably find myself doing exactly this @ this time...blogging when I should be in bed.

GOODNIGHT!

the haaaps.

1. This picture still catches me off guard every time I see it.

2. I applied for UBC/UBCO tonight. Bachelor of Arts. Really, I would rather go to SFU and take a Communications degree, but I know I need a back-up. UBC is my back-up/ UBCO is the back-up to the back-up. (this sounds so official..yipes)

3. So ideally, going to SFU for communications is the goal...just because the program appeals to me so much more...but UBC just sounds so much more prestigious..and have you been to the UBC campus??!?! That in itself makes me want to go there...I just want to live in the library.

4. So I didn't actually end up applying for SFU tonight because www.pas.bc.ca said that the SFU thing was down til tomorrow at 3PM. I think that happened last time I was trying to apply too :( So tomorrow...

5. I wrapped my first Christmas present today. Granted, it looks all lumpy because it was one of those Zara gift pouches...(cross between a gift bag slash box...yeah.) CHRISTMAS ALREADY? dude, I leave in less than two weeks...crunch time.

6. My retainer is REALLY killing me right now. There was a time where I thought I was too cool, and would cheat the system and not wear it for like...6 months..or more. Hmm..bad idea.

7. I need to book driving lessons again.

8. I'm thinking...me and my wisdom teeth need to part soon. Ouch.

9. I need to run. Junk food..and my bed are just so enticing and so much moreee appealing. WHY?!

10. I didn't study for math all day...sigh. I should've. At least I did CP.

11. I'm stressed for my phone bill to come..boo.

12. I need to get Christmas Shoppppin'!

13. On the plus side, my arm is feeling better.

PEACE OUT :)

r.i.p tlw ring.

I have finally resigned to the fact that I have lost my ring.

Who's up for a field trip to Celebrations?! :(

..this procrastination has got to stop.

**edit: I FOUND MY RING!! :)

refresher

1. this last week was seriously an emotional roller coaster. i don't remember crying that many tears in so long...and looking back on it now, it all seems so trivial and insignificant. emotions are such a fickle and uncertain thing, and yet knowing that, it is still able to shake so many things up all at once and throw us completely off balance. it's funny how feelings and emotions are like that sometimes. they seem to be huge one second, but before you know it, it's not.

2. why is it that God is teaching me now, more than ever how blessed I am to have the family/ parents (and also friends) that i do? I mean I'm glad for it...because it teaches me to me more appreciative and thankful for what i do have...but I hate that I have to see so much pain mirrored on my friends faces and in their words.

3. masks are still a huge thing, and continue to be. i complain about that a lot..but it makes me wonder..what mask do i put on everyday?

4. 2 weeks tomorrow, i leave for the philippines...i'll miss everyone, but i'm so ready to just take a vaca..

5. we listened to Ravi Zacharias (?) speak yesterday. Basically, he's a theologist, and he specializes in apologetics, which is defending the faith..it was all so great, but a part that stood out to me a lot, is how he was talking about Jesus gave us the two most important commandments, which were 1. To love God with all our heart, with all our mind, with all our soul and with all our strength. and 2. To love our neighbours as ourselves. and without the first one, the second one is pointless.