with 2009 comin' to an end...this is dramatic old me shinin' through. maybe you'll find yourself...
1. you're number one because i can look back on 2009 and think of what happened as one of my biggest regrets. i'm sorry. i know i've said it before, but i am. we were once such a big part of each other's lives..and so much has happened that got in the way. yet i know..i wasn't always innocent. sorry i mean, okay, i'll be real, i was to blame for a lot of it too. we both were right? but i'm sorry for everything that happened that shouldn't have, and anything that i could've prevented but didn't. after everything that happened, i think we're finally at a good place. i'm really sorry i wasn't a better friend to you in times of trouble. it's not always about me. i know that now. i guess it's too late now to change anything, but i think everything that happened has helped shaped us into who we are today and despite everything, i think it helped us be stronger people. i guess the only thing we can do is move forward, and just take it one day at a time, like we have been doing..and i think it's been working. i'm sorry for everything that is happening now. i had no idea. it makes me feel even worse because once upon a time, we would've tried to work through all of it together, but now..well, you know. like i said, one of my biggest regrets was how everything turned out. i'm not sorry for what it has taught me. but i am sorry for how i hurt you when i know you could've done without it, considering the circumstances. despite all the drama, and the craaap we went through, you taught me a lot. the circumstances showed me the person i dont want to be, and they showed me the person i want to strive to be. so thanks. i wish i could take away all this pain... but you're strong. you prove that to everybody every single day by dealing with everything with the strength and maturity that you have. like i said, you're strong. i know that.. and i hope you know that too. you'll get through this. and i do miss you. just because everything that happened happened doesn't mean i don't miss you. i still think of the good times we had. lulu bubu mumu, crazy handshakes, piggy, mutations, long walks to think...to name a few.. were a huge part of what helped me become the person i am. thank you for everything. as for us, i guess only time will tell right? one day at a time, just like we've learned to do. keep your head up. this isn't the end, it's only the beginning, and the beginning of something better. like i said, you'll get through this.
2. maan, i don't even know where to start. first of all, he doesn't know what he's missing. you're a catch, and i wish he could see what i see! so much compassion, so much kindness..so much strength. you surprise me, because like i said, you're one of the strongest people i know. one look at you, and you'd never be able to tell. you too, handle everything with such maturity and strength. i don't know where you get it from, and i am so proud of how far you have come. but really, i wish he could see all that. if i could shake some sense into him, believe me, i would. you helped me through a lot this year, and i'm sorry that when i was trying to find myself, i managed to let go of you. that was a bad move, and unfair. still, you showed so much understanding and compassion. again, thank you. secondly, i wish i could just wrap you up in a hug and just take you away from everything. well the first part, i will do as soon as i can, and i wish the second was a little more possible. you know i'm here for you, and will always try and help you in the best way i can. i wish there was more though. it's so unfair, and i wish i could shake some sense into him too. you deserve better. you deserve the best, and more..cliche? haha maybe so, but it's daa truth. i wish i could give you more. this year was a gongshow, and you know i couldn't have done it without you. we struggled through some pretty hard stuff. aiintt that daa truth, but dude, we made it. its grad year. who knew this year would come? thank you, thank you, thank you - for everything. you da, you da best. wish they could both see it.
3. goodness me, boys boys boys. who needs 'em eh? hahah, who knew this is where we'd be at the end of '09? haha randomly meeting last year..and this is where we're at. thank goodness for facebook and you bein' a creep. joking! no, but really..HAHA. those deep talks til 2am were ridiculous and took a toll on me..but they were worth it. struggling through so many issues and talks about the deep stuff..and not so deep stuff. haha those were definitely worth it. i WOULD say that i wish he would come to his senses, but come on..you don't need him. you don't. you deserve so much better. you really do. you're so independent, fun and caring...you know you could do so much better than the way he treats/ treated you. i'm sorry he turned out to be such a jerk. i'm sorry about all the other stuff too...man, you also handle it so well - better than i ever could. but in these times, look to Him, because only He will be able to give you the answers that you are looking for. but easy to say, harder to do eh? but know, this is the faaar from judgement..not at all me trying to tell you what to do. i mean it as an encouragement. and you know, i love you. I'm always here to talk.
4. you were always a strong shoulder to lean on, a strong hand to hold...someone i could always always always rely on in times of trouble, in times of just having fun, and everything in between. you were there from the beginning, and i am always thankful for our friendship. i really don't even know what i would've done without you half the time. you went through a lot too, and i know i definitely could've showed more patience during those times. more understanding...more compassion. oh, how i would do it differently if i could. you showed me the definition of a friend. i wish i measured up better. despite all the hardship, you made it through, stronger. props. i don't think i could've done it. really. but you did. it wasn't an easy feat. there's something better. you're destined for something better. you deserve the best. you really do. you are soo loving, you care for everyone around you, and have picked up my slack on more than one occasion. thank you. thank you for always being there, and for continuing to be. i'm glad for all the circumstances that brought us together, and for all the circumstances that kept us so close together. i don't know if we would've found eachother otherwise. i can't imagine what it would've been like without you. less fun, less interesting, less entertaining...just less without your friendship. so again, thank you and i laav you :)
5. you alwaays keep me on my toes, you're crazy. it's so great. you also, were a strong shoulder to lean on and a strong hand to hold. you were my comic relief, but also an understanding friend through everything. i'm glad we got to know each other before pa..before high school..before everything. i don't know if we would've found each other either. that would've been terrible. you helped me through a lot too. just by being there, you taught me a lot. you trusted me a lot that one day...thank you. life is pretty funny sometimes. we've come a really really really long way from that one day in the courtyard. so much has changed...yet you remained the same.. independent, driven, always caring, always fun to be around. i wish i could find you that boy, but i don't have much of a radar for them..and i apologize. hahah. thankkk you for everything, and for being an amazing person i could always turn to.
6. i misss you. you were a stranger one second, and one of my closest friends the next. i admire your ability to let people in. so trusting..so loving. i'm sorry that some people took advantage of that. you know you deserve better. you have this amazing quality about you that just makes it SO easy to be your friend. man, i wish we had better resources to hang out more often. i mean, to hang out..period. but really, what happened? we used to talk so much..and now..really, i miss you. but life happens, we both knoww that. but i'm glad for everything, and the deep talks..and everything you have taught me. you were so open, so easy to talk to..it was hard to believe we just met. you dealt with everything...in such a way i can't even comprehend. and you continue to...i'm glad you're happy now in that aspect of your life. and i'm sorry other aspects are sadder, and harder to deal with. but i'm glad you have found something deeper, Someone greater than all the earthly pain. and i admire your steadfastness. i am also glad you have found someone else you can lean on amidst the earthly pain. like i said, i'm glad you're happy. you know i'll be praying for you. also, thank you... i needed you during that time, and God sent you before i even knew i would need someone like you. so thank you..for just taking the time to care.
7. i don't even know where to start. i've been staring at number 7 for a while...hmm, has it been 5 years already? haha time flies...so much has changed..i mean, just think of the boys from then, and now..hahah. oh my. writing poems...blogs from back then. we were mature..naat. it was goodtimes though. i'm glad for all of it. we drifted there for a while, but i'm glad the internet has helped us stay in touch. HAHA, oh technology. really though, it has. but i am glad. those late nights...i mean early, REALLY early, mornings...held some pretty important talks. defs cut into the beauty sleep, but they were still worth it. they helped me understand so much, and reflect on a lot. thank you for being available to listen, and for taking the time to help. i'm sorry life is so hectic that we've drifted, a big regret. because you also taught me what a true friend is. best friends can grow separately without growing apart right? you showed me that too. thank you for still being there. hey, he's just a boy. maybe he was sent, only to show you that there is something better out there. it's only a preview for what is to come for you! hah..you know i'd say more..but..i'll save it. tell me again? haha just kidding, don't..because you don't..or you WON'T. soon. :) the best is still to come! and i am glad for everything else. that you have such a strong calling, and i admire your obedience. i am glad that you and your mom are better...i am glad that things are a little easier. you know i'm still always here to talk.
8. i guess i was wrong. i misjudged the distance, jumped too early...all those sorts of metaphors. bottom line, you weren't what i expected. both good, and bad. still, i hate to say it, but they were all right. i hoped to prove them wrong. i didn't. which is not to say you're a bad person, because you're not. you're a good person, just not the best person for me. not now, and maybe not ever.
9. thank you for being so easy to talk to, and just being available. for taking the time to be there, and for taking the time to do a simple gesture. im glad i met you. you don't know how far a little thing goes. you're funny, haha, and loving. such a deadly combination...everyone wants to be your friend. true story. how is it that we just meeeett?! haha this is short and sweet. in short, you're pretty great. im thankful for our friendship. you're a cool cat.
10 . ah last, but not least. where to start, where to start. haha, i was right you know. well, i mean, i thought i was perfect for you, and i am...but just not in the way i thought i would be. funny how life is sometimes! haha. this friendship had the oddest start, but nevertheless, i'm thankful for it. always am. it's a rollercoaster. it really is. but i think we dealt with everything the best we could, and hey, i think we did pretty well. thanks, thanks, thanks for everything you helped me through, for everything you taught me, and for continuing to be there. this year was a doozy, to say the least. i don't think could've done it without you. it was odd, like coming full circle. yet, it was cool. i'm sorry for all the crappy situations that came with the territory. you are a great person, and i'm glad that you're on this road to "recovery." haha, the phrase seems fitting, so just go with it. thank you for letting me in and being transparent. i know it's not something you just do, so thank you. i'm sorry if i've ever fallen short in the friend dept, because considering how well you've treated me, i ooowee you big time. thanks for being so understanding, and patient and caring. you know you deserve the best. and i'm glad that despite the bumpy, winding road, you're here now. i'm glad that you're keeping your head up, searching for something better, pressing on towards the goal. i am so proud of everything you've accomplished, and that despite everything, you never lost heart. you know, i enjoyed every do-nothing day. soome good times fo'sho. again, thanks. you da, you da best too.
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ah, i'm losing my fire to write/ think.
more to come...maybe.
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