Photographs and memories.

You know what makes me sad?

For someone who brought her camera everywhere, and was notorious for taking pictures at any given second, I haven't taken any pictures this summer. Less than 10, probably.

I read a quote about pictures remind us of the little things that we forget. I guess that's a given - haha the quote put it better than that. I need to start taking pictures again. They won't be much though. My summers are very much about do-nothing days with the best people. But hey, I can't complain. Aren't the best kinds of friends you can have the ones that you can still be comfortable around even when you're saying nothing to see eachother - still understand eachother in the same way even though you say 5 words or 50? (That sentence sounds really awkward to me...oh well.)

Yeah, well, stick around and maybe you'll start seeing some pics of me and some great people doing a whole bunch of nothing. :)

"#highschooltaughtme" trending topic on twitter.

just some random ones that made me smile/ think:

• "...how to text without looking at my phone"
• "...that showing your pack of gum in a public area is a BAD idea"
• "...that everybody aint ya friend"
• "...that is not okay to pack up 30 seconds before the bell rings"
• "...you may graduate with those friends, but wait until summer's over"
• "...be picky about who you choose to be friends with. Quality is better than quantity."
• "...how to procrastinate"
• "...you told one person, you told everybody"
• "...that it's different from the movies"
• "...that 'i'll pay you back tomorrow' means you're never getting your money back"
• "...not to settle and not to think that nothing lasts forever"
• "...the world is much bigger"
• "...things change"

mmm, guess i'll end with that one. that's a big one i learned.

#highschooltaughtme that nothing is permanent.

Food for thought.

"The best thing about a picture is that it never changes, even when the people in it do."

--Andy Warhol

"I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say “Hi.” They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word."

--Augusten Burroughs

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian."

--Dennis Wholey

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do and damned if you don’t."

--Eleanor Roosevelt

I've been kinda lacking in the blogs lately. I've just been busy..or not at all.

A little bit of both. And yet, have nothing to talk about either.

I was just reading some old blogs. I used to be so...contemplative, and now, I'm just blah. I guess I'm all talked out - or typed out. Whatever ;)

You know what I was just thinking about....I need to actually pick out an outfit every morning next year. That's weird. Yeah, that'll definitely be weird. Not to mention...expensive. Haha just kidding. It'll be more weird than anything - and I didn't even go to PA my whole life. I guess 8 years of uniforms is still a pretty long time.

I have a job interview tomorrow...it's a group one though...so I don't know how well that'll work. Not to mention, I've never had an interview before. This'll be interesting.

It's been a good week, and I am TIREEEED.

Peace out.

don't know if ive posted this before..but touche.

Made me stop and think.

I miss it.

It makes me sad because I really didn't think we'd fall apart this fast. It's one of those things....I feel like, if we all hung out again, it would feel like nothing had changed - even though everything has. I still constantly have to remind myself that high school is over. It's weird that in a month, I'll be going to University - the single biggest thing I've worked towards achieving in the last 17 years- and it's here.

I miss it. The late night phone calls and staying up because...who really cared about being tired in chemistry? Where...one of the most irresponsible things that I could do was not do my homework. Where one of my biggest responsibilities was making sure that I tucked in my shirt. I guess I talk about this too much.

More than anything though, more than PA itself, I miss my friends. It's REALLY weird that it's only July, you know? Has it even been three weeks since I moved? I don't know anymore. But really, I thought it'd be easier keeping in touch with everyone over the summer. I mean, it's like this every summer. We all do our own thing, catch up a few weeks before schools back and then it's back to the routine. But that's over, isn't it?

We're all just doing our own thing....and when September rolls around, it'll be time for a new routine. It's depressing to think about, but it's reality I guess.

Still, it blows my mind how quickly it happened.

I am looking forward to the next time we're all together though, because I do feel like it'll be the same - at least I hope it will be.

It's just weird because it's the people I didn't think I'd stay in touch with that I've already seen a few times, and the people I thought I would...I haven't.

Funny how life is...guess funny isn't really the right word eh?

What's that saying?

"Two wrongs don't make a right."

Touche.

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
-Harvey Mackay

I think I messed up.

I think I screwed up with my priorities. In the last few months of high school, I got caught up in enjoying the time I had left with the people I'll probably never see again - which was obviously important. But along the way, I also lost track of other people who were and are important to me. That wasn't fair to them. I miss them terribly.

Thank you Mar for listening and being a strong shoulder to lean on. Of course I read your post. Always do :) Thank you for the constant reminder that life is good and that God is too. I love you too <3!!

What's going on?!

1. I need a job. Badly. Actually, I need money badly. I guess those are interchangeable.

2. I can't find where I packed the car insurance book. I wanna read it..since I have a lot of free time because I can't seem to get a handle on number one. SOOO...it'd be good to get a move on on that so that I can fix number 1, BUT...for the life of me, I can't seem to remember where I packed it!!! HELP?!

3. Time seems to be going by sooooo slow these days...

4. Did I mention I need a job? Although I don't like the song that much, I also want "to be a billionaire, soo freaking bad."

5. I think I'm getting sick :( Nah, I AM getting sick. Bummer.

6. Did I mention? I got my courses all figured out for next year :) Tuesdays and Fridays are looking miiiighty fine ;).....like you. PSYCH!

7. I miss high school...and the people - especially the people.

8. Also, today was fun. :)

...Actually, this whole week hasn't been bad (LG, LG)...I really can't complain. Life is good and like always, I am blessed. - I always gotta remind myself in case I forget - which I often do.

Goodnight :)

Thoughts

It was nice being back in Fraser Heights again today. It's crazy to think that it's only been a week. In some ways, it feels like I never left, yet...it also feels like I've been gone a lifetime. You know? When time seems to go so fast, yet so slow at the same time? Usually that happens at work...but it's like maximized and translated into my life...Okay, bad comparison I guess.

Anyways, it was weird. Driving on my street and pulling up to Therese's instead and not parking in my own driveway. It seemed more surreal since the new people haven't actually moved in yet. I could easily walk up my driveway, put my garage code in and had I not given up my key, I could still prance in there like it's my house. Some of the furniture they bought from us would still be in there, and it would feel like I never left. The garbage cans along the side of the house were still there, the porch along the back, same as always - just a little emptier without the furniture. It was the same, but different, you know? I did so much growing up at that house...I still can't believe it's not mine anymore.

Two seconds after pulling up into the Starbucks/ TD parking lot, I had already recognized someone - our old realtor. I miss that, you know? Familiarity. Not to mention...being able to drive around the neighbourhood and know where I'm going without a GPS telling me where to go. I guess that falls under the familiarity umbrella too. It's just hard. I'm Joanne. I like being comfortable - good life, I guess.

It was weird leaving so early. I left a little before ten, and didn't make it back to Richmond 'til almost 11. (There was an accident! haha) It just sucks. Ten is early. That's when people would show up to my house to just hang out - or later. Now...ten means me leaving FH to drive back to the "house." (Just a house, remember?) I wish I made more of it, but at the same time, what would I have changed? The last couple months in Surrey were unforgettable - ha, sorry for the cheese.

I just read mel's blog, and tonight, as she walked home, she stopped by PA and walked around the campus. It was her first time being back since grad. I remember sitting on the stage at commencement and thinking that that was the last time we were all ever gonna be at the school together as a grade, ever again. It's just weird. Mel took a trip down memory lane...I kinda joined her a bit as I read her blog (is that a metaphor? Whatever it is, forgive me, it's not that good. Haha). I can close my eyes and remember the things she talks about vividly - the grade 9 hallway, where I spent so many afternoons waiting for my dad to pick me up. The mosaic wall by the library, the trophy case, the elevator - and the first time riding it, the grade 10 hallway, the grade 11/ 12 pods...the cafeteria, the auditorium. It is weird knowing that I won't be back there. Like RS said in his write up last year, PA was his home away from home. I can relate to that. PA was a bubble sure, but I liked it. I'm going to miss it.

I'm going to miss it all. High school, Fraser Heights...certainty.

It's times like this, that while I know I am not always doing the greatest on my walk with Jesus, I am glad for the Hope that I can always cling to. The certainty that is always there - an unchanging God. I don't know what I would look to if it weren't for that.

Fear

You know, I'm not an adventurous person. A lot of things scare me...like bees, the way rollercoasters make me feel, driving too fast, dark alleys, the future, grownups (make me nervous), heights, etc. I'm also scared of uncertainty - of not knowing what lies ahead, the unknown so to speak. I like answers, I like having something tangible that I understand and can put my finger on. I like certainty and knowing which way is up. I like control I guess. Maybe that's the lesson in all of this. Learning to trust God in times of uncertainty. Why? Because if I were to point to one thing that was certain in my life right now, it'd be the uncertainty. And that, amongst other things, SCARES the living daylights out of me.

My brother's words of wisdom...

"You never do something with the future in mind, you do it because it's what you want to be doing right now."

you just did the impossible, gained my trust.

Anyways, I guess it's time to catch you up on my life...since I haven't done that lately. I've merely been moping and ranting, which who knows, this blog might also become that, but we'll see. I'm not aiming for it to be. I've been trying to keep myself busy, it's easier when I am.

I think this is gonna be a stream of consciousness.
Anyways, thank goodness for my neighbour who has unsecured internet...or else I'd have NOTHING to do here. I guess...I still have to go explore the park across the street. It's kind of funny because I figured it'd be the first thing I'd do here but it wasn't. Today, I napped for like 4 hours. It was a pretty unproductive day. I unpacked my last box of clothes and then waited to enroll in my classes. SFU anyone? (CMNS 110, CMNS 130, ENG 101, CHEM 121, PHIL120) Who knew labs would be four hours...good luck joanne. Ladededa...

On another note, I'm kind of feeding the inner rebel inside of me...or whatever I can call it. On my GPS, I am determined to leave my house as my "home" preset. (**edit: I didn't even mean to refer to my old house in Surrey as "my house." I meant to say my old house...haha, my subconscious typing I guess...sigh.) For sentimental ol' me, it is home. I saved this address as "house." Why? 'cause it's just a house. I still wish I was living with my brother. Not that I don't like living with my parents. And in this sense, I don't think it's so much the Richmond factor that makes me want to live with my brother so much, even though that does play a part. I think it's more the idea of companionship. Haha, that makes me sound so sad and lonely - and I guess I am. But not like...you know. But yeah, I hope you get what I mean. It's just having people I can hang out with and stuff. Plus, it's got a killer view. I'm so sad.

So it was weird sitting in Starbucks today because it's so different from being at Starbucks in FH. However, everytime I sit at Starbucks for long periods of time I can smell its scent on me afterwards. That's still the same. It's the same smell. haha, but it's weird sitting there and not recognizing at least the workers or some of the faces passing by. I guess that's something I'll miss - allllready do.

I don't let myself dwell on it too long. I'm on the verge of crying again soon, so...let's not.

So like I said, I saved this house has "house" on my gps, and so as I drive up, it says "arriving at house on right." I started chuckling to myself when I thought of saving it "yo crib" or something. Especially since my gps is set as a british man's voice. I was so close to doing it, but my parents will probs give me a funny look when they hear it...so I'm debating whether or not to. LOL, but hey, I need some entertainment in my life.

What else, what else. Tomorrow, I'm gonna go print out pics from grad. A couple so I can put it in my frames. I'm not sure if it'd be better or worse to put those up...haha speaking of pics though, I'm gonna do the back of my door...soon. It'll probs be hard. I feel like I'm going through a breakup or something with the way I'm talking about this. Well, okay, not exactly. You know what I mean.

It was nice being in Surrey again yesterday. I said my goodbyes to my house. It was weird seeing it so empty. But okay, yeah, that's enough. It was just weird and sad. 'nough said.

I'm so relieved about my classes. I'm still curious as to how long it'll take me to get to school. But hey, it's not terrible. Earliest classes are at 930 and longest day is like...520. Stupid 4 hour lab. Haha, I'll survive. I should look for a job, ehhh?

Yeah, that'd be good. I just gotta figure out what's going on this summer. Like I said, it'd be good to keep myself busy and earn money too.

On ANOTHER note, it's funny how I don't have to set the alarm when I leave the house anymore. Also, I left the house and came back and realized that I left my window open...that would've never happened at the last house, with my parents being super paranoid about that sort of thing. Meh, it's a good change :)

Also, it's nice 'cause my parents are home more now that all the job sites are like...down the street. Well, not exactly. But like I've said before, an hour is very different from a few minutes. Now that we live so close, they don't have to be out all day. It's nice that they're home, but it also sucks that we live in Richmond. Haha, won't ever let that go.

I gotta fold the laundry now. So...maybe more later.
If you read all that - thanks :P

"It's just 88th and a bridge..."

That's what I keep telling myself. Or I guess...it should be, it's just a bridge and 88th...since I'm coming at it from this side of the bridge. FML. Seriously, like I hate being dramatic and stuff, it's only Richmond...it's only an hour. That's how my parents see it. But I'm 17...and an hour is really different from 2 minutes. Fraser Heights is home...at least it was for 8 years. It's not going to be easy moving away from that - it hasn't been. Last night was my first night in Richmond...it sucked. I'm so tired of crying. I keep half expecting for things to go back to normal cause honestly...this is a far far far cry from what I would call normal. Maybe normal isn't the right word. It's not, but I don't care. I'm honestly, just sick and tired of crying. I'm too tired to cry.

I know...it could be worse. Like if I wanted to be completely optimistic about it. I know it could be worse. I could be moving across the country...or to a different country, I could have no car, my friends could not have cars, I could be going to a school with none of my friends...and it's the opposite of all of those. Yeah, it could be worse. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck.

I do understand it though....even though my parents don't think I do. I do understand that they moved me not because they hate me. They moved for work, and I get that. I get that this is their job and that in order for me to live the comfortable life that I do, this had to happen. It just sucks that it had to happen NOW. Not that it would've been any easier down the road. Or maybe it might've been. It's just...the beginning of Summer, you know? Things were just getting good. And this had to happen. I went to bed with a knot in my stomach and I woke up with one.

It's funny because I forgot about it for a while. I went on with life for a couple weeks not thinking about it, which was good. I just enjoyed...whatever, being 17. I kept saying, "I cant believe I'm moving next week..in 3 days...tomorrow, etc." But that was only to remind myself...it didn't really, really hit me til last night. We say nothing's going to change now, but we all know everything will. I hate it.

It's Sunday, it's not like I'd be hanging out with my friends right now anyway, but just knowing that I can't is what really gets me. It'll never be the same again...that gets me too. I miss it already.

I love my friends though...even though I guess...that's what technically making this harder since I hate to move away from them. Haha, but I do love them. They're making this (somewhat) bearable - thanks.

The game plan...is just to live everyday..to the fullest. Even though it's a cliche, I do agree with it. Just enjoy the days, you know? "Keep breathing" as Mrs. Kooy said. Life goes on. Yeah, I know that. It's just hard.

Funny how things change...funny how things are.

Just that. Funny how things change...funny how things are.

Today, sitting at fraserwood in the field, I was just reminded of that. I mean, I'm reminded of that everyday these days. But really, how did we get here? It's just a reminder of how uncertain life really is - how something can change in the blink of an eye, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.

Tonight, I finished packing up most of my closet.

Who knew, a year ago, that we'd ever get here?

And that when we did...this is how things would be...

Funny how things are, funny how things change.

a little excerpt from my other blog

I've made mistakes, I'm not perfect. I know that. But I also know that I'm not a terrible person. There are things that I regret in life. Things I wish I didn't do...and things that I wish I could change, but I still don't think I'm a terrible person. I've burnt bridges that I sometimes wish I hadn't, but at the end of the day, if everything that has happened has brought us here, I can't say it's all been bad. Mistakes - we make them, we learn from them and we move on, right? For the most part, I would like to think so.

Which is not to say I have a lot of regrets either. Someone told me once not to regret anything because everything that has happened has been a lesson in disguise - and that you should just brush it off and move on. I agree, and maybe it's not so much things that I did that I regret, but also people's perceptions of it. Sure, I'm biased, but I also believe that everyone should be able to explain themselves.

I don't want my mistakes, my history or my past to define who I am. That's a part of the reason I'm so ready to be done high school. New surroundings, new friends who don't judge you based on what you've done or who you were - not that my friends do, but you know what I mean. It's just a clean start, with new people, who only know the person you are at that moment. They don't care about what got you there, because the person standing in front of them is all they know.

I love that I can sit around with my friends and say, "Remember when this happened...?" We share so many memories together, that have ultimately made us who we are, yet....sometimes, that's what makes it so hard. There is so much history there, that sometimes, it's hard to get past it all. I love that they know me, and they know how I've gotten here to be the person that I am, but sometimes, I hate it.

In an episode of One Tree Hill, I think Peyton asked Lucas if he felt it. And he asked her if he felt what? And she said she meant if he felt his life change right when he scored that shot (or something). And she said that in life, it's rare that you can point to a moment and say, "that's where it all changed." Off the top of my head...I can name a few of those in my life. Some of them, being the regrets. Again, maybe one of the reasons why I love "The Butterfly Effect" so much.

It's just scary...you know? Thinking about how we have one shot.

I also remember hearing how...it's rare that we recognize the significance of a moment until it is over. If I'm not mistaken, which I often am, I would say that now - these days right now - are significant, and could possibly be some of the defining moments of my life. Again, that's pretty scary. Every little thing matters, eh? (Remember, if you change one thing, you change everything. --Michael Josephson)

I'm scared because...this is it. This is life. This isn't...Oh, I didn't study and I bombed. Oh well, I'll get it on the next one. It's just life.

...I'm scared that one day, I'm going to look back on everything, point to all the memories, empty promises, all the roads travelled...and say, "that's where it all changed." I'm afraid that one day, I'm gonna look back and see all this as just a part of high school, and that breaks my heart.

Silver lining?

The last two days, I've been at the new house in Richmond that we're renting...it's not bad. If I was to be completely honest, I actually like it. It's cute and it's home-y. :) Then I remember it's in Richmond, and it loses its appeal a little. But it's really cute. Something I'd want to live in for my first house. Hahaha, you know? It's just cute and quaint. And it's right across from a park/ school, which I have a feeling I'll be spending a lot of time at. Down the street from safeway..rogers..starbucks in the safeway. It's not bad. It could be better...but it could be worse right?

done and done.

Do you ever feel like you're dreaming? Like you're about to be woken from a dream anytime? That's the feeling I have everyday. It's all so surreal. I'm happy with where life is, it just feels like an out of body experience...I've mentioned it before, but almost like I'm watching someone else's life happen and I'm just watching it all progress. I'm sad with all the changes, but I'm also happy. It's sad, but exciting. Exciting, but sad. You know, I go back and forth. Everything's changing. I just feel like one of these days, I'm gonna wake up, and still be in grade 11...grade 12 or something, wake up, put on my uniform and run out the door and show up at PA.

It comes in waves.

The goodbyes were the worse.

Still, it comes in waves.

I forget it sometimes...that it's the end.

It feels just like any other summer, but it's not.