I've made mistakes, I'm not perfect. I know that. But I also know that I'm not a terrible person. There are things that I regret in life. Things I wish I didn't do...and things that I wish I could change, but I still don't think I'm a terrible person. I've burnt bridges that I sometimes wish I hadn't, but at the end of the day, if everything that has happened has brought us here, I can't say it's all been bad. Mistakes - we make them, we learn from them and we move on, right? For the most part, I would like to think so.
Which is not to say I have a lot of regrets either. Someone told me once not to regret anything because everything that has happened has been a lesson in disguise - and that you should just brush it off and move on. I agree, and maybe it's not so much things that I did that I regret, but also people's perceptions of it. Sure, I'm biased, but I also believe that everyone should be able to explain themselves.
I don't want my mistakes, my history or my past to define who I am. That's a part of the reason I'm so ready to be done high school. New surroundings, new friends who don't judge you based on what you've done or who you were - not that my friends do, but you know what I mean. It's just a clean start, with new people, who only know the person you are at that moment. They don't care about what got you there, because the person standing in front of them is all they know.
I love that I can sit around with my friends and say, "Remember when this happened...?" We share so many memories together, that have ultimately made us who we are, yet....sometimes, that's what makes it so hard. There is so much history there, that sometimes, it's hard to get past it all. I love that they know me, and they know how I've gotten here to be the person that I am, but sometimes, I hate it.
In an episode of One Tree Hill, I think Peyton asked Lucas if he felt it. And he asked her if he felt what? And she said she meant if he felt his life change right when he scored that shot (or something). And she said that in life, it's rare that you can point to a moment and say, "that's where it all changed." Off the top of my head...I can name a few of those in my life. Some of them, being the regrets. Again, maybe one of the reasons why I love "The Butterfly Effect" so much.
It's just scary...you know? Thinking about how we have one shot.
I also remember hearing how...it's rare that we recognize the significance of a moment until it is over. If I'm not mistaken, which I often am, I would say that now - these days right now - are significant, and could possibly be some of the defining moments of my life. Again, that's pretty scary. Every little thing matters, eh? (Remember, if you change one thing, you change everything. --Michael Josephson)
I'm scared because...this is it. This is life. This isn't...Oh, I didn't study and I bombed. Oh well, I'll get it on the next one. It's just life.
...I'm scared that one day, I'm going to look back on everything, point to all the memories, empty promises, all the roads travelled...and say, "that's where it all changed." I'm afraid that one day, I'm gonna look back and see all this as just a part of high school, and that breaks my heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment