some the words i couldnt say, but wish i could.

with 2009 comin' to an end...this is dramatic old me shinin' through. maybe you'll find yourself...

1. you're number one because i can look back on 2009 and think of what happened as one of my biggest regrets. i'm sorry. i know i've said it before, but i am. we were once such a big part of each other's lives..and so much has happened that got in the way. yet i know..i wasn't always innocent. sorry i mean, okay, i'll be real, i was to blame for a lot of it too. we both were right? but i'm sorry for everything that happened that shouldn't have, and anything that i could've prevented but didn't. after everything that happened, i think we're finally at a good place. i'm really sorry i wasn't a better friend to you in times of trouble. it's not always about me. i know that now. i guess it's too late now to change anything, but i think everything that happened has helped shaped us into who we are today and despite everything, i think it helped us be stronger people. i guess the only thing we can do is move forward, and just take it one day at a time, like we have been doing..and i think it's been working. i'm sorry for everything that is happening now. i had no idea. it makes me feel even worse because once upon a time, we would've tried to work through all of it together, but now..well, you know. like i said, one of my biggest regrets was how everything turned out. i'm not sorry for what it has taught me. but i am sorry for how i hurt you when i know you could've done without it, considering the circumstances. despite all the drama, and the craaap we went through, you taught me a lot. the circumstances showed me the person i dont want to be, and they showed me the person i want to strive to be. so thanks. i wish i could take away all this pain... but you're strong. you prove that to everybody every single day by dealing with everything with the strength and maturity that you have. like i said, you're strong. i know that.. and i hope you know that too. you'll get through this. and i do miss you. just because everything that happened happened doesn't mean i don't miss you. i still think of the good times we had. lulu bubu mumu, crazy handshakes, piggy, mutations, long walks to think...to name a few.. were a huge part of what helped me become the person i am. thank you for everything. as for us, i guess only time will tell right? one day at a time, just like we've learned to do. keep your head up. this isn't the end, it's only the beginning, and the beginning of something better. like i said, you'll get through this.

2. maan, i don't even know where to start. first of all, he doesn't know what he's missing. you're a catch, and i wish he could see what i see! so much compassion, so much kindness..so much strength. you surprise me, because like i said, you're one of the strongest people i know. one look at you, and you'd never be able to tell. you too, handle everything with such maturity and strength. i don't know where you get it from, and i am so proud of how far you have come. but really, i wish he could see all that. if i could shake some sense into him, believe me, i would. you helped me through a lot this year, and i'm sorry that when i was trying to find myself, i managed to let go of you. that was a bad move, and unfair. still, you showed so much understanding and compassion. again, thank you. secondly, i wish i could just wrap you up in a hug and just take you away from everything. well the first part, i will do as soon as i can, and i wish the second was a little more possible. you know i'm here for you, and will always try and help you in the best way i can. i wish there was more though. it's so unfair, and i wish i could shake some sense into him too. you deserve better. you deserve the best, and more..cliche? haha maybe so, but it's daa truth. i wish i could give you more. this year was a gongshow, and you know i couldn't have done it without you. we struggled through some pretty hard stuff. aiintt that daa truth, but dude, we made it. its grad year. who knew this year would come? thank you, thank you, thank you - for everything. you da, you da best. wish they could both see it.

3. goodness me, boys boys boys. who needs 'em eh? hahah, who knew this is where we'd be at the end of '09? haha randomly meeting last year..and this is where we're at. thank goodness for facebook and you bein' a creep. joking! no, but really..HAHA. those deep talks til 2am were ridiculous and took a toll on me..but they were worth it. struggling through so many issues and talks about the deep stuff..and not so deep stuff. haha those were definitely worth it. i WOULD say that i wish he would come to his senses, but come on..you don't need him. you don't. you deserve so much better. you really do. you're so independent, fun and caring...you know you could do so much better than the way he treats/ treated you. i'm sorry he turned out to be such a jerk. i'm sorry about all the other stuff too...man, you also handle it so well - better than i ever could. but in these times, look to Him, because only He will be able to give you the answers that you are looking for. but easy to say, harder to do eh? but know, this is the faaar from judgement..not at all me trying to tell you what to do. i mean it as an encouragement. and you know, i love you. I'm always here to talk.

4. you were always a strong shoulder to lean on, a strong hand to hold...someone i could always always always rely on in times of trouble, in times of just having fun, and everything in between. you were there from the beginning, and i am always thankful for our friendship. i really don't even know what i would've done without you half the time. you went through a lot too, and i know i definitely could've showed more patience during those times. more understanding...more compassion. oh, how i would do it differently if i could. you showed me the definition of a friend. i wish i measured up better. despite all the hardship, you made it through, stronger. props. i don't think i could've done it. really. but you did. it wasn't an easy feat. there's something better. you're destined for something better. you deserve the best. you really do. you are soo loving, you care for everyone around you, and have picked up my slack on more than one occasion. thank you. thank you for always being there, and for continuing to be. i'm glad for all the circumstances that brought us together, and for all the circumstances that kept us so close together. i don't know if we would've found eachother otherwise. i can't imagine what it would've been like without you. less fun, less interesting, less entertaining...just less without your friendship. so again, thank you and i laav you :)

5. you alwaays keep me on my toes, you're crazy. it's so great. you also, were a strong shoulder to lean on and a strong hand to hold. you were my comic relief, but also an understanding friend through everything. i'm glad we got to know each other before pa..before high school..before everything. i don't know if we would've found each other either. that would've been terrible. you helped me through a lot too. just by being there, you taught me a lot. you trusted me a lot that one day...thank you. life is pretty funny sometimes. we've come a really really really long way from that one day in the courtyard. so much has changed...yet you remained the same.. independent, driven, always caring, always fun to be around. i wish i could find you that boy, but i don't have much of a radar for them..and i apologize. hahah. thankkk you for everything, and for being an amazing person i could always turn to.

6. i misss you. you were a stranger one second, and one of my closest friends the next. i admire your ability to let people in. so trusting..so loving. i'm sorry that some people took advantage of that. you know you deserve better. you have this amazing quality about you that just makes it SO easy to be your friend. man, i wish we had better resources to hang out more often. i mean, to hang out..period. but really, what happened? we used to talk so much..and now..really, i miss you. but life happens, we both knoww that. but i'm glad for everything, and the deep talks..and everything you have taught me. you were so open, so easy to talk to..it was hard to believe we just met. you dealt with everything...in such a way i can't even comprehend. and you continue to...i'm glad you're happy now in that aspect of your life. and i'm sorry other aspects are sadder, and harder to deal with. but i'm glad you have found something deeper, Someone greater than all the earthly pain. and i admire your steadfastness. i am also glad you have found someone else you can lean on amidst the earthly pain. like i said, i'm glad you're happy. you know i'll be praying for you. also, thank you... i needed you during that time, and God sent you before i even knew i would need someone like you. so thank you..for just taking the time to care.

7. i don't even know where to start. i've been staring at number 7 for a while...hmm, has it been 5 years already? haha time flies...so much has changed..i mean, just think of the boys from then, and now..hahah. oh my. writing poems...blogs from back then. we were mature..naat. it was goodtimes though. i'm glad for all of it. we drifted there for a while, but i'm glad the internet has helped us stay in touch. HAHA, oh technology. really though, it has. but i am glad. those late nights...i mean early, REALLY early, mornings...held some pretty important talks. defs cut into the beauty sleep, but they were still worth it. they helped me understand so much, and reflect on a lot. thank you for being available to listen, and for taking the time to help. i'm sorry life is so hectic that we've drifted, a big regret. because you also taught me what a true friend is. best friends can grow separately without growing apart right? you showed me that too. thank you for still being there. hey, he's just a boy. maybe he was sent, only to show you that there is something better out there. it's only a preview for what is to come for you! hah..you know i'd say more..but..i'll save it. tell me again? haha just kidding, don't..because you don't..or you WON'T. soon. :) the best is still to come! and i am glad for everything else. that you have such a strong calling, and i admire your obedience. i am glad that you and your mom are better...i am glad that things are a little easier. you know i'm still always here to talk.

8. i guess i was wrong. i misjudged the distance, jumped too early...all those sorts of metaphors. bottom line, you weren't what i expected. both good, and bad. still, i hate to say it, but they were all right. i hoped to prove them wrong. i didn't. which is not to say you're a bad person, because you're not. you're a good person, just not the best person for me. not now, and maybe not ever.

9. thank you for being so easy to talk to, and just being available. for taking the time to be there, and for taking the time to do a simple gesture. im glad i met you. you don't know how far a little thing goes. you're funny, haha, and loving. such a deadly combination...everyone wants to be your friend. true story. how is it that we just meeeett?! haha this is short and sweet. in short, you're pretty great. im thankful for our friendship. you're a cool cat.

10 . ah last, but not least. where to start, where to start. haha, i was right you know. well, i mean, i thought i was perfect for you, and i am...but just not in the way i thought i would be. funny how life is sometimes! haha. this friendship had the oddest start, but nevertheless, i'm thankful for it. always am. it's a rollercoaster. it really is. but i think we dealt with everything the best we could, and hey, i think we did pretty well. thanks, thanks, thanks for everything you helped me through, for everything you taught me, and for continuing to be there. this year was a doozy, to say the least. i don't think could've done it without you. it was odd, like coming full circle. yet, it was cool. i'm sorry for all the crappy situations that came with the territory. you are a great person, and i'm glad that you're on this road to "recovery." haha, the phrase seems fitting, so just go with it. thank you for letting me in and being transparent. i know it's not something you just do, so thank you. i'm sorry if i've ever fallen short in the friend dept, because considering how well you've treated me, i ooowee you big time. thanks for being so understanding, and patient and caring. you know you deserve the best. and i'm glad that despite the bumpy, winding road, you're here now. i'm glad that you're keeping your head up, searching for something better, pressing on towards the goal. i am so proud of everything you've accomplished, and that despite everything, you never lost heart. you know, i enjoyed every do-nothing day. soome good times fo'sho. again, thanks. you da, you da best too.

---------------------
ah, i'm losing my fire to write/ think.
more to come...maybe.

kajdfkja

oh my, i feel so lame. sitting here, 2 days before christmas (we're a day ahead), at 9:00 at night...on the computer. i should really be out..but i'm 17, and halfway across the world, sigh.

it'd be different if i grew up here. i'm sleeping at my aunts house tonight. darn, i really should've brought my bible and my journal. :( but i hate asking the driver to do stuff for me. like i said, i hate telling them to do stuff. i mean im 17. i have no right to tell them to do something for me..yet they act like their life revolves around it. it's so..ahh. yet, its just the way life is here. it pains me!

it's weird that little things like math tests and homework are such a big deal..when i come here, and am faced with much much bigger things like so much poverty. its weird to come from a place that is moving forward in every way, technology, resources..etc.; then to come to a place that is only moving backwards. for example..in canada, everyone's trying to "go green." drinking from reusable bottles, using ecofriendly bags..yet here, its the total opposite..and it's like there is no way to stop it.

the ones who can afford to do it, only drink bottled water. even at home. only because the water here is so dirty that you cant drink any of it. plus, it's so hot here, so people are continuously drinking lots and lots of water to avoid dehydration. it's such a culture shock. here, you either have money or you dont..and you're stuck. even your family is stuck. like..it's impossible to get out of the poverty once you're in.

again, i am reminded of how blessed i am. i could just as easily still live here..and live a completely different life. i often sit in traffic and just look out the window and think of how lucky and blessed i am to live in Canada. it's easy for me to be here..its a vacation. i can be here for two weeks and be gone - away from all the poverty, and hardships and be back in my comfortable life. but i ask myself..what about the people who aren't on vacation? ..and i'm stumped.

this is life for them. it doesn't get any better. sure you can give them money, (50 pesos is huge to them..when its only like a dollar to us)..but what does that fix? not to mention, it's illegal to give people on the street money now. labour is so cheap here too..i wish i could pack them all up and bring them to Canada. i wish.

again, i am so blessed and thankful.

its weird that this is a bigger culture shock for me than outreach was...it's not like this is new to me. i guess i was too young to really take notice of it before.

it's easy to be able to close my eyes and escape, and in less than two weeks, i can. but what about the people who cant? i dont even know what to say/ do/ think.

how can feel i all this..but still have a great time here..because i am. like i said, despite all that, i am enjoying being back with the family, and experiencing all the things i used to enjoy as a kid.
i feel like a hypocrite.

kjadkfjakfjkafjkafaf.

Hot is an understatement...

I forgot how hot it can get here..oh my.

It's not even like a sunny kind of hot though..it's like a sticky, humid, smoggy kind of hot. I've been sitting in my aunt's kitchen, playing with her doggies, sweating like crazzy..hahaha. I look like I just took a shower...sick.

It's so nice being back here...

First, because it's so nice to be back with the family. Second, because this is my second home. I come back here...and it's like I never left. Minus people looking older, technology being different..all that, it's like I never left. I can open up the closet and find everything the way we left it. All my toys from when I was little...alll the pictures of me posing like a little diva..still where they always were. Like yesterday, at my grandma's house, I found this teeny little leather jacket. it was seriously like 2 feet big..haha. and it was my DAD's..crazy. My dad wore it, then one of my brothers wore it, then I wore it. It's so great. I always missed this in Canada.

It's a little different this time around though, a lot of things HAVE changed because of the flood that just happened. It's so sad hearing the stories...and it's like such a humbling thing too because it reminds me how blessed I am to be living in North America..like it's nice here, but I couldn't ever live here. Plus, ordering like maids around again...something I could never get used to. It's so weird. I hate having to do it because it's so not the custom in Canada, you know?

There's like two worlds here, there's the world of all the poverty. Like you can drive..and see all these little kids begging for money, yet apparently, a lot of it is a scam and the kids get taken at night and don't really get to keep the money. It's so sad. And then there's the world of the well-off. It's hard to picture how such a wide spectrum of things can live in one small place. It's crazy.

It's so different from where we live.

Anyways, I don't have much time.

But like I said, it's nice being back and spending lots of time with the family. I've missed them.

Hope you guys are having a good break.

<3.

PS. how cold is it there? It was approx. 29 degrees when we landed here..

Like I said, Hot is an understatement - haha.

car's list of things for me to do in the Philippines:

1. be super "magalng" when you come back

2. get your hair cut by a gay guy

3. find sam concepcion for her

4. go to greenhills

5. eat jolibee

6. think about carmela "errnight" for 1 hour.

I'll try to not let you down Car, I''ll try.

I want to be forever youngg..

Life is so funny.

The last four years of high school went by so slow, yet so fast at the same time. I can remember certain moments vividly, and other moments just seem like a blur. Mrs. S was talking the other day about how sometimes, the things that seem like a big deal to us, aren't as big of a deal to everyone else.

I'm a sentimental freak, and even though there were times I just wanted to be out of high school, I wish I could just stay here forever. Sure, I wan't to start fresh and experience new things, meet new people. But I'll miss it, even more than I probably expect.

I look around at my friends sometimes, and I am at a lost for words at how far we've come. If you told me four years ago that this was how things would end up, I don't know if I would've believed you. I'm friends with people I never thought I would become friends with, and yet I lost touch with some people I thought I would never stop being friends with. Like I said, life's pretty funny sometimes.

The other day, we talked about determinism vs. fatalism in CP. I think I believe more in determinism. If I understood the definition correctly that is. I don't necessarily believe that the way everything turned out was exactly how things were supposed to turn out. Personally, I know there are a lot of things I could've done differently. Not to say that I have a lot of regrets. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but I think that our choices play a huge part in who we become. There are certain points in my life that I can point to and know that had I done something differently there, my life and the circumstances around me would be different. There are parts of me that wish I could re-do some things, yet I think ultimately, things have worked out for the best. Whether they were always the best choice in the situation, maybe not...but nevertheless, they taught me something along the way. I found out a long time ago that I shouldn't wallow in my mistakes because that'll get me nowhere. It's about knowing when to pick myself up, and knowing when I need to move past it.

I always tell myself that it's not good to live in yesterday - that it'll get me nowhere. Sometimes, I don't always remember that, but it's daa truth right?

I've complained about SO MANY things along the way, I know...but I need to wake up and realize that like I said, living in yesterdays won't get me anywhere.

Here's to the last 6 months.

I am so tireeed.

My math test is going to be ridiculous tomorrow (**edit: I mean later on today)...I wish I was more inclined to try. I mean, I am kind of worried about my math mark. Thaass daa truth. But I am soo close to leaving for the Philippines..so close that I can almost smell it...that I can't even focus. I CAN'T WAIT.

So here I am, 2:30 in the morning, blogging instead of studying. I'm going to wake up early. Wow, fun day. I need to look into schools...I'll do that in San Fran..

I'm so excited to leave, yet a part of me wishes I was spending Christmas here..y'know? This is home. Yet Philippines means spending time with the family. I need to visit anyway. It's been three years. But I mean, both places have aspects of home. It's funny because the verb in Filipino to go to the Philippines is like "I'm going home to the Philippines." Vancouver is home, but so is Quezon city. I mean home is where the heart is right?

Two weeks will go by so fast..this year is going by ridiculously fast. Oh my.

ONLY 10 MORE HOURS.

in than 10 hours, I will be in vacation mode. I just need to finish this package, and finish that killer math test tomorrow, and I am donezeees.

My ring :(

Bad news friends, I lost it AGAIN. If/ when I find it, I'll wear it around my neck or something. Sighhh.

** edit: oh my, it hasn't even been an hour...but everytime I blog about my losing my ring, I find it. haha CUHRAZY! :) It was in the bottom of my bag...haha I found it while I was digging around for my eraser...how did that happen?

IMG00039.jpg

I drew this for cp, I la-la-love it. People kept thinking I had a foot fetish....well, I don't.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

another list yo.

Time for another list? I think so.

1. OH MY, this week has felt like the longest week ever. It was so fun, yet so busy..and so tiring, but so great.

2. Yearbook deadline: tonight @ midnight....we are screwed. This was supposed to be great :( Also, I don't even want to think about the next deadline...what happens to the sports pages we need pictures for? AHH!

3. I eat, and eat, and eat when I'm stressed. I don't even notice. Currently, I am munching on Pocky. Normally, I don't count calories, but since I don't take PE, and am so bad at keeping up on exercise...I am worried BECAUSE I need to fit into my bridesmaid dress and I'd rather not look like I'm preggo. HAHA, okay, but no really. This is terrible. Food is just so much good. I need to run (away from all this food). This last Pocky that is in my mouth will be my last piece of junk food before I go to the Phil. Really. I'm gonna run tomorrow. No really.

4. I was really debating whether I should go to school today, but I did because I had some cereal things to do..it was a ridiculously long day. But it started off great because I got 88% on my math test. Which is a HUGE accomplishment seeing as I really hate math....which is an understatement. Speaking of, I have a quiz tomorrow...sigh.

5. I need to call Lito for driving lessons for when I get back. Need to do that tomorrow.

6. Game promos...Eng project. Oh my. So much to do before I LEAVE!

7. I love my friends.

8. Every time I see the grade 12s, it still feels the same. It's like they never left.

9. Snow is highly inconvenient sometimes, but I am so ready for some...I mean, it's so cold anyway, so why not?!

As busy as this week is/ was...

It was so much fun. Tuesday and Wednesday night = SO GREAT.

My bed feels like a cloud...a soft, inviting cloud...

When I fail my math test tomorrow, I'll have no one else to blame, but myself...and all the pretty little presents under our Christmas tree, and the Christmas tree, and metrotown for being such an enticing place to go Christmas shopping.

I am so glad we are on semesters.

This week:

Monday: Math Test, continue to work on game promo/ take yearbook pics @ Lunch + Afterschool.

Tuesday: The real beginning of chapter 6 for math, Impact Christmas Banquet :)

Wednesday: GRAD CHRISTMAS BANQUET! :)

Thursday: YEARBOOK DEADLINE (yikes!)/ 1 week til Philippines!

Friday: I will probably find myself doing exactly this @ this time...blogging when I should be in bed.

GOODNIGHT!

the haaaps.

1. This picture still catches me off guard every time I see it.

2. I applied for UBC/UBCO tonight. Bachelor of Arts. Really, I would rather go to SFU and take a Communications degree, but I know I need a back-up. UBC is my back-up/ UBCO is the back-up to the back-up. (this sounds so official..yipes)

3. So ideally, going to SFU for communications is the goal...just because the program appeals to me so much more...but UBC just sounds so much more prestigious..and have you been to the UBC campus??!?! That in itself makes me want to go there...I just want to live in the library.

4. So I didn't actually end up applying for SFU tonight because www.pas.bc.ca said that the SFU thing was down til tomorrow at 3PM. I think that happened last time I was trying to apply too :( So tomorrow...

5. I wrapped my first Christmas present today. Granted, it looks all lumpy because it was one of those Zara gift pouches...(cross between a gift bag slash box...yeah.) CHRISTMAS ALREADY? dude, I leave in less than two weeks...crunch time.

6. My retainer is REALLY killing me right now. There was a time where I thought I was too cool, and would cheat the system and not wear it for like...6 months..or more. Hmm..bad idea.

7. I need to book driving lessons again.

8. I'm thinking...me and my wisdom teeth need to part soon. Ouch.

9. I need to run. Junk food..and my bed are just so enticing and so much moreee appealing. WHY?!

10. I didn't study for math all day...sigh. I should've. At least I did CP.

11. I'm stressed for my phone bill to come..boo.

12. I need to get Christmas Shoppppin'!

13. On the plus side, my arm is feeling better.

PEACE OUT :)

r.i.p tlw ring.

I have finally resigned to the fact that I have lost my ring.

Who's up for a field trip to Celebrations?! :(

..this procrastination has got to stop.

**edit: I FOUND MY RING!! :)

refresher

1. this last week was seriously an emotional roller coaster. i don't remember crying that many tears in so long...and looking back on it now, it all seems so trivial and insignificant. emotions are such a fickle and uncertain thing, and yet knowing that, it is still able to shake so many things up all at once and throw us completely off balance. it's funny how feelings and emotions are like that sometimes. they seem to be huge one second, but before you know it, it's not.

2. why is it that God is teaching me now, more than ever how blessed I am to have the family/ parents (and also friends) that i do? I mean I'm glad for it...because it teaches me to me more appreciative and thankful for what i do have...but I hate that I have to see so much pain mirrored on my friends faces and in their words.

3. masks are still a huge thing, and continue to be. i complain about that a lot..but it makes me wonder..what mask do i put on everyday?

4. 2 weeks tomorrow, i leave for the philippines...i'll miss everyone, but i'm so ready to just take a vaca..

5. we listened to Ravi Zacharias (?) speak yesterday. Basically, he's a theologist, and he specializes in apologetics, which is defending the faith..it was all so great, but a part that stood out to me a lot, is how he was talking about Jesus gave us the two most important commandments, which were 1. To love God with all our heart, with all our mind, with all our soul and with all our strength. and 2. To love our neighbours as ourselves. and without the first one, the second one is pointless.

i am damaged at best, like you have already figured out, [but] in the pain, there is healing

i need to:

1. focus on math more
2. apply to schools
3. make more time for the family
4. make more time with my friends
5. make more time with GOD.
6. stop texting so much...

I wish life was exactly the way we saw it, you know? so often, i see something one way, and get ahead of myself, then something causes me to realize that i'm wrong. sometimes -i mean often- i have to remind myself that the world doesn't revolve around me. no, okay, i don't sit and consciously tell myself that it does, but i realized, that often, i do have the mindset. like, i'm being reminded that..of course things aren't always going to go my way, of course i can't always have everything i think i need/ want, sometimes..(mel, this is like something you've said before) i'm not always the protagonist in the story. sometimes, i'm the antagonist that needs to get out of the way and stop being such a pain. maybe...my story is still waiting to happen..yeah, fingers crossed.

-----

well, this is kind of irrelevant..but its great, so dont hate..appreciate ;)

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother."
1 John 4: 7-21

23 dayssss

what an accurate representation...hahah

Philippines, I am so ready to be back.

count to ten, take it in, this is life before you know who you're going to be

I wish math wasn't calling my name so intently..not to mention Heart of Darkness...I wish I read it when I was supposed to/ I wish school wasn't such a dominant part of my life right now. I wish I had more time for a lot of things, and I wish I could drive. But really, this is old news.

It's one of those things..like I'm always wishing I had more time..but when I actually end up having some downtime..I find myself doing something pointless, and lazy...like just sleeping..just because I find that those opportunities are so rare, y'know?

I wish I had more time for people too...oh the things I would do differently if I had more time. Why am I having such a hard time to manage my time these days? - all of sudden?!

This is the verse I really needed to hear today: I'll defs be meditating on this verse: hope it encourages you guys too...have a good week :)

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. "
--Phil 4:4-8

<3

I'm sitting @ Winners in Richmond waiting for my mom...ladededa. I just saw a kid just screaming at the top of her lungs and crying. I kinda miss that, being able to scream with careless abandon when things didn't go my way. Ha-ha. It was just easier. Boy, did I take those days for granted.

But really, I take so muchh of my life for granted. I have to constantly remind myself to be more thankful. Things may not also go my way, but I've still been blessed with so much. I need to complain less..sigh.

I'm in the car now, and I'm kind of getting distracted, so this isn't that great. Haha, more laater :)

adfah

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. "
Hebrews 12:1-3

there's something about the way the street looks when it's just rained.

1. Lost and insecure, you found me.
2. I wish you were a stranger, I could disengage.
3. I'll be right beside you...I will stay, nobody will break you.
4. I will be here when the laughter turns to crying, through the winning and losing and trying.
5. And it's still so hard for you to be who you are, so you play this part and the show goes on.
6. Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend...somewhere along in the bitterness.
7. Even the best fall down sometimes.
8. What if I never knew? What if I never found you?
9. You have been good to me, you've kept your word and got me through these years.
10. That don't kill [you], will only make [you] stronger.


that's it for now, this takes longer than I thought. haha, goodnight.

i can't help but wait.

It freaks me out/ confuses me that sometimes, I find myself feeling really out of place in my surroundings. That I'm supposed to be doing something else, somewhere else. It's hard to explain. A part of me feels like I'm in a rut. Hmm, how to put this into words, I love high school, but sometimes, I feel like I'm so over it. Not that it's beneath me or anything, because it's not. But sometimes, I feel like I don't/ can't identity with the same things/ same people I used to. I don't know what brought it about, but sometimes, for fleeting moments, I just feel it. Also, it's scaring me that I am starting to feel it for longer stretches these days.

You gettin' what I'm sayin'?
_______________________________________

Just..because.
1. Wow, yes, I do care about you. But please, don't flatter yourself.
2. It's only a matter of time, it's terrible.
3. Well, that's annoying.
4. Chin up <3
5. Oh my word, can you freaking call me back so I can book my appointments?!
6. Hi math, I will dominate you this weekend. It's true.
7. PLEASE APPROVE THIS! UGH.

friends.

" ²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
--Matthew 6:28-34

I was just randomly sitting in my room, and I wanted to text someone..not for any particular reason, just for the sake of it, and to talk. Then I realized I didn't have anyone to text. Not that I had NO ONE to text, because I know that I can text a few people if I really need to, I just miss being to randomly text SOME ONE, and I don't mean anyone in particular. I just wish I did, that is all. But with that said, during this awkward time of changes, or whatever you want to call it, God did "provide a way out" so that I could "stand up under it." (1 Corinthians 10:13 - okay, granted that verse talked about temptation..) but still, He did. He gave me friends that I didn't expect to have in the time I needed it the most. Not to mention, other friends that I already had showed me so much patience, and compassion. Point is, God saw me through it, and I have faith that He will continue to...just wanted to blog about it.

slovakia...

There are times when Slovakia just pops into my mind, and it'll feel like another lifetime ago, almost unreal. Then there are moments where I find myself just remembering all the memories, feeling like it was just yesterday, and missing every second of it. Times when I wonder how all the little kids we met are, how the teenagers are, and how Otto is doing there. Those are the times when I wish I made more of it, and it breaks my heart that I didn't.

Looking back on it now, I'd go back and do it all again in a heartbeat - even all 39 awkward, long, repetitive Canada presentations.

Like seriously, it's cheesy, but it's true. I can close my eyes and still remember walking down those streets in Lucenec bright and early in the morning to meet up with the others, buying instant coffee from the vending machine of our random hostel place just because it would warm us up during our 15 minute walk...and hey, it was only like 50 eurocents? man, i don't even remember :( ...carrying my purple duffel bag thing to carry my clothes/ Bible/ team stuff for the day...wearing a kajillion layers. Then walking to the place where everyone else was staying...walking into the dining hall and eating breakfast with warm milk..and suchh good yogurt..talking about random musicals with everybody. Writing quotes in the quote book...planning each Canada presentation until finally perfecting it in the end. Going to ...shoot what was the grocery store called?! to buy milka bars..and going to random cafes to buy cappucinos and gelatos just because we could. Planning for crisis centers...and reality klubs...meeting all those teenagers and kids, then having to say goodbye..twice. Then having team time in the guys' smelly room at night...interesting team games that had everyone cracking up, doing team devos...going through James and 1 Peter..Eating more milka bars..and lots more walking. Seeing castles, eating tons of sourkraut...doing more reality klubs and meeting some creepy guys along the way... Eating gigantic pizzas in Nitra and seeing some castles...finally heading home, and taking long trains from one country to the other (just like in the books)...Man, I miss it like crazy.

Mmm, I guess that's why I don't like to think about it. It's like that Summer Girls song, by LFO..."My mind takes me back there oh so quick..."

jan 13 2009?

um.....uh oh.

I'm not ashamed of my faith, I just wish I could put it into words better.

I feel like I've been out of the loop for so long, when in reality, I've only missed one day of school. I hate missing school. I have to miss tomorrow too. My parents insist on it, sigh. It's out of love, I know.

Maybe, I should look into more university stuff tomorrow. Yeah, that's what I'll do.

quick update..hahah

-I am too hot and cold; metaphorically speaking and literally too for once.

-I think I am getting sick..uh oh.

-I want to smack you silly.

-I forgot how much I missed you guys.

-Why are you such a mystery?

-Thanks for the advice, I know you're right.

-Can you srsly, call me back please? WHAT THE DEALIE?

-Can you please explain those lessons better, like seriously.

-I wish I had one..

-I'm going to crawl into my bed now. Bye, bye.

I love my dayplanner.

To do list for the week:

1. Figure out what I need to do for University applications
2. Call Lito again.
3. Figure out what we're doing for make-up for grad pics.

4. Run at least once.

5. DEVOS.

TO DO LIST

I need to get organized. BIG TIME.

To do list for this weekend:

1. Finish math lessons
2. Revise English PC Essay for Monday
3. Figure out what I need to do for University applications
4. Figure out why Lito hasn't called me back yet for driving lessons.
5. Figure out what we're doing for make-up for grad pics.

6. Run at least once.

7. DEVOS.

8. Book group appts. for grad pics.

9. CP - Babette and Merchant
10. finish reading things fall apart

11. do yb journal

Plus I work all Saturday...this weekend is going to be ridiculous.

I want to crawl into a hole.

i still haven't found what i'm looking for.

"You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've been that you realize how much you need it, how much you love it..." -- One Tree Hill

I realized today that chapel is definitely something I'm going to miss when it's all over.

There were parts of todays chapel, that felt SO real. Like, I'm not going to lie, there are a lot of times when chapel just feels like something I have to do. I take it for granted. And other times, like today, it was just..the opposite of that. And honestly, one of the things I struggle with the most at PA..or just in general, is I don't want to do things for show, and I feel like that's something I notice a lot at PA. I'm definitely not trying to say that in a judgmental way at all. Just..going with the whole "mask" thing, I guess. But anyways, same old story right? It's easy to go along with the motions, and just pretend. I know I've done it, and still am constantly guilty of it.

Today in chapel, I wasn't sure whether to take what I was hearing for real, or just...take it. It's hard to explain, but there were times that I really didn't know what to think, just because it's weird to be in an atmosphere where people are being so real, maybe that's why I'm so hesitant to just take it all in.

But nevertheless, today's chapel was powerful. It showed me how different things can be when people are real. But like I said, this isn't me pointing a finger at all. I know I'm guilty of hiding behind my walls too. I just wish...

It's funny that the song that came on was All by Hillsongs. I heard that song in Middle School in a particular chapel and LOVED it. Y'know? One of those songs that just speaks to you, and I couldn't find it anywhereeee. I still can't. But it goes..."You're the one who gives me shelter, you're the one that leads me home. You're the one that gave forever. Lord, you're all that I know...and with all that I am, unto you I surrender. Lord, there is none like You. And I know that I stand, in the arms of forever. Lord, there is none like You."

When I sang that song that one time in Middle School, I was searching for comfort, acceptance, and love - in all the wrong places, I guess you could say. This song pointed me in the right direction, towards the arms of forever. It was fitting that we sang it again today. Just reminded me of that comfort and love.

It was pretty great. It's weird though, that we just walk away. Song, prayer, song..okay, folks, that's it..lunchtime. I definitely heard a "that's it?" behind me somewhere. It can't have only been me who felt weird that it was something we just walked away from.

I respected their courage for speaking today. I wish I could do it, and honestly, it's not the public speaking, or the possible judgement that scares me. I'd be scared to do it because I'm afraid that I won't be able to say all that I want/ need to say. At the same time, I know it's not up to me to make that happen necessarily. I just don't know. I constantly have this feeling of wanting to make a difference, an impact, whatever. But how do put it into words? That God is real, and that there's more to life than partying. That following God is hard work, but that it's definitely worth it. In that, you don't feel lost, or confused..and maybe you still will, but you know that you're not alone. That God is SO beyond words, that His glory..and love are just...indescribable, uncontainable. That in a lot of ways, it's scary, to put all your faith into something so...unfathomable..and unreal. But at the end of the day, what else is there? It doesn't make sense, yet it does.

How do I explain that..when sometimes, even I have a hard time getting it? Let alone explaining it. Or when sometimes, I'm the one who is struggling, and I'm the one who needs reminding of ALL these things? Maybe, that's the beauty of it..this is definitely something I need to pray about. It's scary, yet..it's not. I lied, maybe it is a little nerve-wracking, the idea of being up there, but like I said, it's scary, yet..it's not. Pray for me?

I don't like the feeling of looking to my left and seeing blank faces that I don't even really know. Those are the people I want to reach. But I don't want to come across as someone who thinks/ acts like she is better than them, because I'm not. I'm just as bad, really. I was blessed, this last year, to find a place where I've had the to opportunity to make sense of some of these things. In a non-cheesy way, I want to reach out to people...show them what I saw today, that it's okay to be real, and not perfect. Because it's only "when you put a face on it, you can beat it." The thing is, it sounds so cliche, and that's the problem. I believe it though..now what?

Seriously, why can't it just be easy?

1-11.

1. The three of us, this is the year. Pray, listen, lead.

2. Best friends can grow separately, without growing apart. It's actually true.

3. You weren't what I expected. That should be enough. Why isn't it?

4. I wish I could help you (more).

5. I don't know what to do with you anymore.

6. Sometimes, I just want to shake you. You're better than this. Remember? 'cause I do.

7. I admire your audacity and your willingness to let people in, wow.

8. There should be more like you. You'll do great things someday.

9. Stoooooooooooooooop, you're trouble.

10. I hope you don't mind.

11. Chin up, buddy. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

this is a battle, and it's your final last call.

"Live and enjoy your life to the fullest. Don't stress out for 'cause life is too short. Follow your dreams. What ever your decision in life we will always support you..You know Dad and I love you very much. We will do anything in the world just to see you happy. I know one day you will find somebody who is gonna love you more than we do. Just trust in the Lord our God"

Grad breakfast was today, and I must say, I was very disappointed in my time capsules. I knew they were lame, I didn't think they'd be THAT lame. My mom's letter was the only good part.

I love my mom. Just sayin'.

I can't believe we're ACTUALLY here. By now, you've probably figured out that I'm one of those sappy, hopeless romantics that likes to (over) analyze everything, and reminisce over things. Yeah, I'm kinda lame sauce like that, it's okay. I hope you can still find it in your heart to love me. :)

But hey, grads of 2010, looks like we finally made it huh? It seems so surreal to have been sitting there, watching the slideshow, walking around in our pjs all day, but we're here. It's funny because I constantly have to remind myself of it. It feels just like any other year. It's good, but in a lot of ways, that makes it so much harder to let go. I've said it before, but I want to this year to be different, I just don't know how yet. It'll come.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

yipes!

Do you know that feeling when you just feel like you're SOO busy, and you're freaking out. Things to do, places to go, people to see - not to mention, you're tired ALL THE TIME. Then you look back on the week...and you realized you weren't really that busy after all? Yeah, well that keeps happening to me. Which keeps getting in the way..scratch that..I keep LETTING it get in the way of reading my Bible. Shucks. I need to get back on track. And I will. I feel so behind in everything, it's ridiculous.

I really need to start running again. I'm so out of shape, literally. It's not like I'm ranting about being fat or whatever, I just feel gross, so I need to do that too. Really. I want to fit into my grad pictures dress. Which, speaking of, I need to make a make-up appointment for. Also, speaking of appointments, I need to book more driving lessons. OH MY! I need to stop being so..lazy. Laziness = BAD! I need to get a day planner..my agenda smells like apple juice. Yuck.

First report cards in less than a month. Crunch time people. I hate crunch time.

why i love sunday nights.

Funny, what's this feeling of relief that I feel?

I guess it was all leading up to this anyway.
I guess you're just not as perfect for me as I thought you could've been.
I always told myself I needed butterflies, nothing's changed.

Anyways, Same deal right?
"The right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing."

Maybe... it was just wrong all along. My mistake.

Oh well.

and it's still so hard to be who you are, so you play this part, and the show goes on.

It was so depressing watching this today...I used to watch Laguna Beach every monday(?) night..in middle school? So in essence, it's as much part of their past as it is a part of mine. It's just funny because they seemed so much older back then...Not to mention cooler.

It sucked having to think/ talk about what would happen to all of us after high school. Truth is, I think we all do have an unspoken understanding that we probably won't stay (close) friends after high school. If we all know that, then why cant we change it? A part of me tells me that it's too late to even fix everything, and that breaks my heart.

I understand it. It's a part of life, right? I'd like to believe that the people I've spent almost everyday with in the past 7 years aren't just my friends because we went to the same school. And I'd like to believe that I actually built some solid friendships here in the last 7 years. I'd like to believe that.

Truth is though, I don't imagine that many, if any, of us will stay together after high school. But the thing is...I can't imagine any of us apart either.

What's your story?

Sometimes, I sit and read my old blog entries from 2008 (hahah, pardon the nerdiness of this sentence..) and I feel like I've become less insightful, and that upsets me very much. I used to be the type of person who would just have to write about all these things that I was learning..and now, I have nothing to write about. It makes me wonder, have I become shallow? Straight up, this worries me. The fact that I say straight up, and love it, worries me. That's okay though. I like being G. ..Not the point.

Well today, I was talking to a friend of mine, and we were talking about another group of friends (in a none gossipy way, I promise..) and how they live this certain way...and she said, "change them then." and I said, "I can't change them." Then, I realized, I'm scared. I'm scared to put myself out there, where do I even start? I guess, looking back on it now, I've always tried the easy route, of leading my example..that whole, "..if necessary, use words." kinda dealie. I learned at youth one time that that's not necessarily the right mentality. Words are necessary.

This is going to sound very Martin Luther King Jr. - ish, but this year, I want to make a difference. How? I don't really know exactly. Actually, I don't even know what it means yet. But I will, and when I do, I'll let you know.

A part of me thinks, who am I to even think that I have the right to do this?

I don't know the answer to that either. I'm just Joanne. Anyways, point is, it's the last year of high school - something that I constantly have to remind myself of - and I don't want it to be just like any other year. I hate the fact that I've become apathetic to a lot of things. That's not like me at all.

Also...hmm, I think what I really want to do is get to know people better...everyone has a story. That's definitely something I'm learning. It's really to maintain outward appearances..as he walks down the hallway, you'd never know that his heart is breaking, or that she deals with more than anyone should ever have to deal with. That...there's really more to him than meets the eye, or that she's struggling with a lot of things right now.

It breaks my heart to know that I've spent almost 7 years with a lot of these people, and even at least 2 years with my closest friends, and I couldn't tell you half the things I would like to be able to. And yet, there's other people that I've known for two weeks that I feel closer to. Relationships are funny that way...I think it all just takes time. I've got time. I've got a year at least. I want to hear people's story...and maybe, by doing so, I can share mine.

--This was from another friend last night, thanks R.

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."

--1 Timothy 4:12

i've found time can heal almost anything, and you just might find who you're supposed to be...

Brooke: Listen, I know it's been difficult for you lately, losing Keith and your heart condition and giving up basketball. I feel like I've been keeping you close to me to try to protect you from those things. Like I'm hanging onto the two of us for you, but not for me....we go days without having a meaningful conversation. And I used to miss you so much when that happened but it never seemed like you missed me. And I guess because of it I stopped missing you.

all at once

Maybe you started to compare to something not there...perfection will not come.
And all at once, the crowd begins to sing...

Sometimes, we never know what's wrong without the pain,
Sometimes, the hardest thing and right thing are the same.

<3

Sometimes, I forget how I blessed I am...

I am so thankful for them.

...

“I know it seems hard sometimes but remember one thing. Through every dark night, theres a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it get, stick your chest out, keep ya head up.... and handle it.”

-Tupac

oh, how things have changed.

Really? It's only been a year? Wow.

:(

I should be doing math...this week is a nightmare as far as math goes.

I just got back from the PA vs. FVC game...and although, like I said, I should've been doing math, I'm so glad I went. I went to cheer on the Sr. girls...but I ended up seeing a bunch of the grads. It made me sooo sad. Old sentimental me, but it actually felt like nothing changed. They were back being the grade 12s, and we were back to being the grade 11s. It didn't feel like they were grads..or that they were in university. They were always a big part in what made high school memorable for me. I forgot how much I missed them.

Melissa Rox..ha, really.

REALLY, WHY DOES MATH EXIST?!
anyways, mel wrote this for me..because she's so rad.

"Maybe im not saying anything new, but a best friend is like that favorite stuffed animal that you've had since you were born. Its perfect. Its been through all your tears, its slid down the banister, its been in your breakfast, washed multiple times, sat on a few too many, its had so many hugs a seam broke, it needs new eyes because one of the buttons fell off, its heard you sing...badly, its been kicked when you're mad; but ultimately it's the only thing that you look for when you need something to hug and the familiarity of comfort. You look for it, but then there's also something about the brand new teddy bear - the one that's fur is so soft that you just can't help but holding it, and both of its eyes are on. It's kind of enticing.
However, at the end of the day you would still pick your childhood memory because you know it, and in an uncreepy sense, it knows you. It has soft spots that only you would know about and the one button eye it has looks at you way better than the 2 plastic ones of new bear.
You'll always be there, he knows that, you know that, because he is there too.... he knows you, and in an uncreepy sense, you know him. It has soft spots that only you would know about and the one button eye it has looks at you way better than the 2 plastic ones of new bear. "

When the waves are flooding the shore, when I can't find my way home anymore...

A part of me wants to smack you, the other part of me wants to smack myself.

I'll do neither though. Because everything's fine, I'm fine.
No, really, I am. I don't need you as much as I thought I would. I just wish I didn't seem so replaceable. And you know what? I'm tired of trying.

Everything I've ever needed to know, I learned in HIGH SCHOOL..."

How is it only October?! It hasn't even been two weeks of school yet, and I feel like a kajillion things have changed since Summer. Change can be good right? It's good, but it's bad, yet it's great.

Anyways, I wrote this for English...it was a personal choice writing assignment. It's more.."magazine article-ish." Anyways, Enjoy.

"Everything I'ver ever needed to know, I learned in HIGH SCHOOL..."
- by Joanne Sih

When I was younger, I used to ask myself, everyday, what the point of school was. To be honest, I still do. Every time I have to sit in math and work through logarithms, I ask myself what the point of school is. When am I ever going to need to know how to find the inverse of an exponent again, or know how to plot it? Then I take a look around, and see my pained expression mirrored on all my classmates’ faces. I then realize that we all don’t understand why we have to go through the agony of math 12. Despite being forced to suffer through math 12, I found comfort in knowing that I wasn’t alone in what I was feeling. It was then that I realized it was rare to ever really be alone in what I was feeling in high school. Whether it’s frustration over math, over other academics, friends, or a boy, I wasn’t alone. The people around me at that very instant, the ones struggling through those math problems with me, are the ones who have helped me become who I am today. That’s when I realized what the point of school was all along. It wasn’t to help me learn how to spell words like “segue,” or learn how to graph a reciprocal of a function, but to help make me into the person I have become.
When I was younger, I just couldn’t wait to grow up. Being 16 and talking to boys who didn’t have cooties was the definition of “cool” to me. Looking back on it now, I wish I spent more time running around on the playgrounds and chasing the boys with cooties. It was easier when the only things that could break were bones, and when the biggest decision I had to make was who to share my snack with. Little did I know being
16 meant that the world would feel like it’s moving too fast, too soon and that the only comfort is in knowing that you’re not going through it alone.
The biggest lesson that became evident to me in high school was that it’s important to surround yourself with people that will help you be the best person that you can be. The hardest part is finding out who those people are because sometimes, people don’t always turn out the way you expect them to.
I learned that sometimes, people can really surprise you. The ones you expected to always be there can disappoint you even though they never meant to. Those are the surprises that you wish you could have done without. Then there are the people who can surprise you in the best way. This year, the guy I once fell the hardest for because my best friend. It taught me that other times, the ones you never expected to be there are the ones who are. Those are the people who help build you back up, when the going gets tough. They’re the ones who keep the rest of the world out when you just need some time alone. Those are the people I’ll miss the most when high school is over.
It’s sad to think that in a few months, these people I’ve spent almost every day with for the past 7 years, will just be part of what high school used to be. I constantly complain about having to learn about logarithms, and how I have to memorize chemistry equations, but I know I’ll miss high school when it’s over. I now know that school is so much more than the academics. High school puts us in situations that test us and help us build character. It puts us in a place that teaches us lessons that are much more important than word definitions and word problems. It’s a place that prepares us for the “real world.” It’s here that we learn the importance of the choices we make, and how important it is to surround ourselves with good people. If we’re lucky, we find people who will surprise us and who are there to help us through more than just math problems. And sometimes, if we’re really lucky, we even find people who help make high school a place that we’re sad to leave.
If that’s the definition of lucky, then I consider myself more than lucky.

AWOL

Darn, I wish I blogged about this the other night, but I've been so busy, lazy..both.

So, the other night, I went to my first AWOL night...wow. Actually, I didn't even tell my parents it wasn't a regular youth night. Gahh, on a different note, I miss my parents. They're so MIA these days. But anyways, I just didn't tell them. I will, eventually. I just felt like they wouldn't let me go...and I really wanted to go.

It was so sketch, for real. I was reallly nervous to go. BUT, I am soo glad I went. I ended up being in a group with Michiko, Paula and Andrew, and we met this guy named Darcy. Let me tell you, it's nothing like anything I've ever done before. So, we're walking around...after we gave away the clothes we had, and we finally meet this guy named Darcy. We approach him, and he clearly just pulled a needle out of his bag, and we're like, "Hi, we're from Willingdon Church....we were wondering if you would let us buy you some dinner?"

It was suchhh an eye-opener..he agreed. But he was like, "can I just finish this first?" -- and he was talking about the needle in his hand..and so we're like uh huh, sure. we'll wait for you right here.

So, we went to mcd's and bought him a burger..I feel like we didn't help him too much except buy him a meal. He said he goes to church every sunday, but he's still a criminal and a drug addict. He kept saying how it's all about choices. He let us pray with him and what not..and he listened. Except he didn't really commit to anything we told him. It was kind of discouraging, but we prayed for him after...

While we were there, there was another guy at the bus stop who was listening to our conversation. He was saying how he's been to church too, but now he's an atheist..and how he believes that it was all just a part of his evolution, and now he just doesn't believe in it anymore. We tried talking to him too, but he had to leave because his bus got there.

It was sooo crazy for me, being there. I'm so used to being in my safe little bubble...I hardly knew what to do with myself. It's not like I'm ashamed of my faith, because I'm not. I just found it realllly hard to put what I thought into words in fear of making him mad, or scaring him away.

I realized after though that I should've said more...I definitely want to do it again.

The weird part was...both those guys were sooo confused as to why we were there. They both thought it was a punishment or something. I wish I had been able to tell them that we did it because we loved Jesus and wanted to share that with other people...but things just got in the way..and the opportunity just passed me by. I hate to admit that, but it did. I wish I had the chance to re-do that night...

I do know what to expect for next time though...

Oh, I wish I could drive.

I think I'm really addicted to blogging these days...

Also, I think I really want to quit. It was so great not having to work these last 2 weekends...and it's not like I work that much anyway...I don't know if it's even worth it. And quitting would definitely clear up my Saturday nights...

It's so frustrating not being able to drive yet...I'd do so many things differently if I could.

It sucks that my parents are never home these days because I can never get rides out to ANYWHERE, and I hate bumming rides off of people. ugh.

It really makes me guilty, because ideally, I should be going to main service then @the10, but my parents only drive out there at 10...and I always have to choose between the two. If I could drive...I'd drive out earlier...or ideally, I'd quit, then go to Saturday night services, then head out to church on Sundays @ 10, then go to @the10. \

I wish I could drive. sigh.

so tired!

oh my, math is just calling my name. but i really want to blog before my math kills me.

i'm just poooped from these last two weekends, but they have been so ridonculously rad that i'm not even going to complain anymore. i had so much fun these last two weekends...grad camping, then anvil. it was so great just getting to know people and just having God show me things while i was away.

something that's definitely been evident to me these last two weekends is that i really need to get into the Word again. it's ridiculous how long i've been procrastinating. it's easy to just put it off, and put it off, and before you know it, you haven't read your Bible in ages. by then you're like so busy, and you're like i don't even know where to start!...one more day isn't going to make a difference...and before you know it...it's been another week.

i really wish i wasn't so lazy to read my Bible. i wish it was more real to me. i always say that, but i also learned that if i feel like i don't know what God is saying to me in His Word, i shouldn't just give up. i should try it for a whole year. that was really humbling to hear. it's a crazy committment, but totally legit. i picked up one of those reading plans...defs gotta do that. really.

on a sort of different note...

again, and again, i'm reminded that people can surprise you. i learned that last year on outreach...that sometimes, the people you don't expect to get along with are the ones that become your best friends..

to be honest, going to anvil scared me a little. it's totally out of my comfort zone...to just go to a retreat where i don't know a lot of people, but i would do it again in a heartbeat. i met/ and got along so well with so many people that i wouldn't really have talked to otherwise..

the theme this weekend was obedience. i guess the biggest part that stood out to me this weekend was that...it's not always about me. it's about following what God wants for me..and right now, it seems to me that He wants me to be a better person. to be more of an ambassador for Him at PA. just because i go there, doesn't mean that it's easier to be one. it's so hard to just step up, because like i said, it's so much easier to blend in.

also, where do i even start?

oh me, oh my. my headache is killing me.

ladededa, i always stress so much about leaving high school, and losing touch with all these friends i've made along the way. this weekend made me realize all my worries are so trivial. i mean, it's obviously a big deal to have to say goodbye...but i realized there's more out there.

i mean, that might sound sooo stupid seeing as i'm 16, and i'm just realizing that now. but i've always relied on this ONE group of friends. the two best friends that i had before PA go to PA too..so it's just like putting all my apples in one basket..(is that even the right figure of speech? anyways..) not like my friends are apples or anything, but it's like..that's all i had.

all of a sudden, i'm meeting all these new people and God's showing me that there's definitely more out there. PA's a small school, but there's definitely cliques. it sounds so stupid to say, but i guess i hang out with the more..."popular" clique. i HATE to say that, because i don't want to sound like i think that i'm better than anyone, because i don't think so at all. i think it's stupid..but for arguments sake, lets just go with it.

anyways, just because of that, i feel like there's this expectation that people have of us...and who we are, and who the lives we live. i hate that because i can't say i'm like that. i struggled with it sooo much last year.. it's different now, but even now, i'd have to admit that for the past year...i've sort of been torn between two lifestyles. the one that i am living, and the one i think i should be living. it's not like i've done anything horrible, but i feel like i could be doing so much better as far as leading a better life for God goes. it's one thing to say it...but so hard to actually do it.

i'm not sure where it was found, but this weekend, i heard a verse similar to this one...talking about how not everyone can get into the Kingdom of Heaven just because they act like a Christian, they have to really live their lives for God. what a challenge.

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!' "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.
Matthew 7:21-24

Hot & Cold...

Really, I am wondering why I am so hot and cold. I just have these times when I'll just sit and feel so apathetic about everything. I don't get it. And other days, I'll just feel sooo fed up.

Today started off with the first, and is ending with the second.

You know, I love high school...because I'm good at high school.
Other days, I just want out. A fresh start.

I think I compartmentalize my life too much.