I've been thinking about it a lot these days about how I can't wait, wait, wait til we move. I miss the old days when people would come over and hang. I'm being optimistic that once I move, I can invite people over again and hang out. I am sick of this gloomy little hole. It's not that it's small that I have a problem with - although that does play a part. But it's just sooo commercialized around here, and it's so gloomy and messy. I miss our house being fragile and looking like no one lived in it. Hahaha just kidding. But I miss having a "home." Hahah try that on for size. But also, living on a quiet street, with houses around me, with a garage in the front of my house...and oh a driveway, I miss having a driveway. I miss having more than two rooms so go to....talk about spoiled. :(

But anyways, my point was...I can't wait to move. 2 months, 2 months.

mr. sock monkey

im almost done!!!! just need to buy eyes :)

also..im debating whether to take out the lines out of his ears.

yaaaay :D

Hello, hello.

Back from Mexico. (that rhymes)

I'm happy to be home, but missing it at the same time.

It's nice having some family in town, but this house is toooo freaking small man.

It doesn't feel like Christmas is in two days.

I miss all the old festivities that would take place back in the day...

I'm feeling kinda nostalgic today. I just miss...a lot of things. :( Poopy.

But then again, it's CHRISTMAS :)

Which is cool :)

hello, hello, hello!

Good news folks! I'm done my exams!!

High five to that!

Today's been a really good day. I got a fair amount of sleep, I saw two of my bestest friends, went to surrey, hung out with E for a bit, wrote my LAST exam, and got a paper back that I got an A- on, and then I went to dinner with the familia, and other good things with that too.... :D I was shaking after my exam especially since I saw that A-. I was so happy. Call me a nerd. Sorry. Think I should've gotten a bit better, but whatever, I'm happy with it, and I'm done. I'm going to repeat that for emphasis. Ready? I'm done.

This is a hugeeee accomplishment. Granted, this is not how I saw it turning out. But I can't say I'm not happy. I'm the opposite of that. I'm overjoyed. It feels like just yesterday that I started this semester, yet it doesn't. I feel like I have learned so much about in the last few months, but not necessarily academically. But anyways, I just really, really didn't think I would get here. I couldn't wait to be done. But guess what? Oh yeah...I'm done ;)

Hehehehe.

I keep feeling like I should be doing something.

Since...I'm just sitting here - which is reminiscent of all the nights that I would just sit here and procrastinate. Anyways, life is good.

I haven't taken the time to take note of this lately...or appreciate it...

but I'm happy and content. :)

Cheers!

Let's party.

Just kidding.

In other news, mexico in 2!

Badabing badaboom!

lalala, guess what?

one more exam til im DONE.

i WISH i could say that i've been acing them, but that'd be a lie.

but it's okay, why? 'cause one more exam 'til im DONE.

in other news,

did you know that it's five months today that i moved?

that's pretty crazy. i was thinking about it as i drove home today.

five months is actually a long time...i've survived. hahaha.

life goes on i guess.

As time goes by...I realize how screwed I am.

As far as 110 goes, I think I can pass it...and hopefully do better than just a pass.

130 on the other hand...I'm really iffy about.

When I say iffy...that is an understatement. I am legitimately screwed.

Not to mention, my 110 exam goes til 630 tomorrow, so I have to drive home THEN study for 130.

On top of that, I have barely touched English because I've been trying to focus all my energy into communications. It's just English, right?

...I just need to pass, right?

Ahh...all the justifications I feed myself.

Lame.

Four more days til I can kiss SFU good-bye.

It's going by so slow, but too fast at the same time.

I always go to bed determined, but wake up apathetic.

Then I realize half the day is gone, and study my butt off.

HOWEVER, tomorrow, I aim to legitimately study for the majority of the day.

...did I say majority? I meant the whole day...Sorry.

First exam in 2 days, last exam in 4.

I am....dead.

In other news, while I didn't get the most studying done today, it was nice to have a visitor.

Felt just like old do nothing nights in my "old" room. That's kinda nostalgic...but whattttevs :)

I'm dead, I'm dead.

You just need to pass Joanne, you just need to pass.

So...tomorrow, like I posted in my stat on facebook...I'm only leaving my room if it is absolutely necessary. I think hygiene and my health are extremely important...however, the shower might have to wait tomorrow. TMI? Sorry.

Goodnightttt (to all the people who don't read this.)

Hahaha

Kinda glad I have stayed loyal to my blogspot instead of completely switching over to tumblr since everyone's complaining about how it's down. It's good anyway....finals, you know. I'm too brain dead to even form full sentences.

No more pictures for a while...since I am barely leaving my room - even for the three S's. hahaha keeding.

Only a few people are allowed to see me like this...

5 more days, 5 more days.

I can't tell if this excites me or stresses me out.

In contrast to yesterday's jolly picture.

This is how I feel about today.

Studying is so...boring.

"Hmmph."

PS. if you're paying attention, you'll notice that this picture is taken in the exact same place as the last one...aka i havent left my room much..(except to SSS...and eat)

juuuuuust keeding..or not.

Having the hardest time buckling down...

I just got up, but I'm going to STUDY today.

I'm playing some "pump up" music right now.

I don't know where to start. I really don't want to. :(

7 more days joanne, 7 more days.

I didn't want a huge picture of my face, so I thought I'd split it up into four. So lucky you, you get to see me FOUR times.

I just wanted to share...that I got a haircut this week.

Thumbs up for that.

Also thumbs up for...

school being done!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beginning to Study for Exams.

So, I'm taking it easy tonight and easing myself into the studying - haha ;)

But anyways, I'm starting off with reading some stories for English. And when I say easing myself in, I mean easing myself in. In other words, I started with "A Very Short Story" by Ernest Hemingway. Which is...a page long. :)

Anyways, there's a line in it near the end where it says,

"Living in the muddy, rainy town in the winter, the major of the battalion made love to Luz, and she had never known Italians before, and finally wrote to the States that theirs had only been a boy and girl affair. She was sorry, and she knew he would probably not be able to understand, but might some day forgive her, and be grateful to her, and she expected, absolutely unexpectedly, to be married in the spring. She loved him as always, but she realized now it was only a boy and girl love. She hoped he would have a great career, and she believed in him absolutely. She knew it was for the best.

The major did not marry her in the spring or any other time. Luz never got an answer to the letter from Chicago about it. A short time after he contracted gonorrhea from a sales girl in a loop department store while riding in a taxi cab through Lincoln Park."

I guess that was more than a line. But oddly enough, that part of the story always makes me really sad. Especially, when it says how she still loved him as always, and how she hoped he would have a great career and she believes in him. Yeah, I'm a softie, but that breaks my heart.

THEN it goes on to say that she never got what she expected, and in the end, they both don't get what they want. And as for the guy, he even gets more than what he bargained for, yuck.

But yeah, things like that always get me. Like people who love each other who don't get up together, or stories about life just happening, you know? Really makes me think. LOL. I'm a sap.

i miss reading this on my wall everyday..

D-O-N-E

Call me a nerd, but I am ecstatic about the mark I got today.

After a whole semester of getting mediocre marks, I did my last presentation for the semester, and I got 4.5/5. I am so so so happy. :) I just feel like I actually accomplished something that I'm actually proud of. I think that's only happened a few times this semester. I'm just really happy. Haha, it's been a frustrating couple of days, and I spent all day yesterday working on it. PLUS, it's my last "thing" to do before exams, which is AMAAAAZING. I'm so happy. :) I just thought I'd share the excitement.

I really didn't think this day would come. Granted, I'm not done yet, but December seemed like a long, long, long time away, but now it's here!! 1o more days til I'm DONE.

Again, I'm kind of sad to leave. I've met some good people, but still. ADKJAKFADF so happy at the same time :)

Also, I came home and cleaned my room and my closet, which has been bugging me for suchhh a long time. Phewf!

Yaay!

I think this is brilliant.

'Speak Now or forever hold your peace' the words said by the preachers at the end of wedding ceremonies all over the world, right before the vows.

It's a last chance for protest, a momentt that make's everyone's heart race, and a moment i've always been strangely fascnated by. so many fantasize about bursting into a church, saying what they'd kept inside for years, like in the movies. In real life, it rarely happens.

Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial, in fact, that most of us start what i've begun to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything.

I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life, and looking back regretting the moments we didn't speak up. when we didn't say " I Love you" when we should've said "I'm sorry". when we didn't stand up for ourselves or someone who needed help. These songs are made up of words I didn't say when the moment was right in front of me. These songs are open letters. Each is written with a sepcific person in mind, telling them what I meant to tell them in person. To the beautiful boy whose heart I broke in December. To my first love who I never thought would be my first heartbreak. To my band. To a mean man I use to be afraid of. To someone who made my world very dark for a while. To a girl who stole something of mine. To someone I forgive for what he said in front of the whole world. Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to inentionally hurt someone. What you say might be too much for some people. Maybe it will come out all wrong and you'll stutter and you'll walk away embarrassed, wincing as you are the ones that will haunt you the longest.

So say it to them. Or say it to yourself in the mirror. Say it in a letter you'll never send or in a book millions might read someday. I think you deserve to look back on your life without a chorus of resounding voices saying " I could've, but it's too late now"

There is a time for silence. There is a time waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you'll know it.

I Don't think you should wait. I think you should speak now.

Love, Taylor

Wednesday, 9:13 pm.

Current update:

Words: 2,203, pages: 7

Tabs open: 13

Going to finish up this paper NOW!

Motivation: last sfu paper, ever.

Tuesday, (technically Wednesday for those of you who are keeping track...who even read this LOL) 12:22 am

12:23 am, pages: 6, words: 2,011

+ very sore shoulders.

I slouch so much when I am working on/ doing my homework. I just hunch over my laptop in a very uncomfortable way. I really, really need a massage...pls? :)

So on my wishlist: a massage, and that I still like my paper in the morning. You know when that happens? I'm kind of in a place where I just rambled and rambled and rambled. It'll be an interesting read tomorrow, but hopefully I'll still like it.

I'm kind of debating what I should do....I'll share.

So anyways, it has to be 8-10 pages, but 2,000-2,5000 words, so reallly...I have enough words PLUS I gotta write a conclusion. So REALLLLY, I don't REALLY have to do two whole pages, but I think I should, right? Right.

My shoulders are killing me as I type this.

I'm calling it a night.

Tomorrow:

-Conclusion
-Works Cited
-Edit (aka hopefully not have to re-write a bunch :() <-- hate when that happens :(

GOODNIGHT!

Also, I have 13 tabs open on this window for all the sources I used. It's REALLY bugging me, but I don't want to have to find them again, and for some reason I can't just link it. AKDJFKAFJ

Tuesday, 7:22 pm.

I don't know why I started my blog with that today, hahaha. However, I think it will be significant in a few hours when I get frustrated with writing my paper and blog another entry.

I have to write a paper for 110 for Wednesday. A 8-10 page paper. It'll be fun.....not.

I have done some research for it though - so that should count for something. For the record, I have written two other papers in the last week and a project, so this one kind of took the back burner. :( Fail. But still as much as I'm dreading it cmns papers > chem.

Anyways, I should really get to it.

....I.am.so.boring.

Alrighttt, here we go.

7:27, pages: 0.

Ladededa, I'm sitting in my 130 lecture. Its actually pretty interesting today since we are talking about "Wireless and Mobile Communication." Its about cellphones and stuff. Plus like I said, ive been pretty productive this week - so I EVEN read the readings before coming to class. CRAZY!

Also, I handed in my last paper for this class today. Man, I can see the endddd.

It's kinda sad that I'm leaving because its like I just got my footing here, you know? I've met people and know where things are - but at the end of the day, it still isn't for me. I just have NO passion for this and I think it would be a shame and a waste to continue, you know??

I think I have two weeks left from day, plus exams. :O

In other news, I have an hour left for today and I'm done for the day. That means, I can go home and do more homework....score.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

It's 3 am

I can't sleep, or I don't feel like sleeping - I don't know why.

Anyways, this is the product of my insomnia.

I used to love fiddling around with html...my shoulders are sore form pouring over my computer though. But anyways, I can't take all the credit. I tend to fiddle around with templates then make it look like the way I want it to.

Anyways, I think it's time to get back into blogging, I really miss it.

But yeah, I should probably sleep.

In other news, it's been a really productive past couple of days which I'm happy about. Two more weeks to go!!

Back to blogging tomorrow.

Goodnight!

blogging my stress away.

There are seriously not enough hours in a day.

It's funny because sometimes - like now - I feel like I have accomplished SO much, then I stop and re-evaluate what I've really done all day, and it's like shoot, wait.

I mean, it's more homework than I've done lately, and the day is only - I would say - 60 percent done. I've got plenty of time to keep going.

One week and a bit:

Due: 3 papers, 1 project.

Progress Report: 1/3 papers started, project...ideas: check.

Back to work.

I end most nights by lying in bed on my laptop looking at blogs, or going through tumblr - which are blogs too. Hahaha, pretty lame. Just kidding, i love it.

I saw this quote tonight, really liked it. I don't know why, but I do. Really, Really.

"I suppose I’m a little bit scared. You might not like it that I felt so much for him. But that was then. You are here now, you make me and define me. It’s over after all but he’s still a part of me. And I want you to know all about it, so there are no secrets."

I just read a whole bunch of old blog posts on my private blog. (heh heh)

I remembered why I like blogging.

It's quite the journey seeing how you've changed and how things have changed. Not to mention, it's nice being able to relive some things. It's funny because I remember some posts of vividly and where I was when I wrote it.

Yeah, thats it.

Goodnight

nostalgia x2

I've spent the last 2.5 hours (probably) looking at old pics from grade 11/ 12.

I've been feelin' pretty nostalgic these days. I've used that word a lot these last couple of days cause I just found the definition for it recently. Actually, I think I was reminded of the word...and it related. Anyways, that's not important, hahaha.

I just miss it.

Not because it was easier, even though that's true.

Not necessarily because it was in fh, although that's true too.

I don't know why.

Maybe it's not little things I miss but everything as a whole.

Just all of us being together, and carefree days.

I miss the pod, and uniforms.

I do miss the little things too. Like classes of less than 30 students, the community.

I don't know why I do this to myself....hahaha.

Seriously, like my tweet said...

One day, when I'm grown up, I'm going to get married, move back to fh, have kids and send them to PA. Thumbs up.

Goodnight.

PS. Guess what?

FOUR MORE MONDAYS, suckas!

Decisions.

Nothing's been happening lately, so I guess that's why my blogs have been lacking. However, I think this is post worthy.

I really, really think I'm going to transfer out. I can't do communications anymore. I've thought and thought and thought (and prayed of course) about it soooo much. Probably this whole semester - for some insight as to what I'm going to do with school, and life. I had no answers, except that I KNEW I probably couldn't survive communications for four years. It's not that it's hard, which it is...but it would be one thing if it were hard, and I LOVED it, which I don't. If I did, sure, it would be hard, but at least I'd have a passion for it, right? But I don't. At all.

I went into communications because I liked that it was broad and it seemed like it would at least help out in the business aspect of things in that...you study how people communicate right? I figured, hey as far as entrepreneurial skills go, that'd probably be really beneficial. But so far, my feelings and outlook towards it have gone from bad to worse. It's just not for me. To say I hate it...would be too strong of a word. However, "dislike" is simply not enough. I don't enjoy it, and I don't have a passion for it.

I don't want people to think that I'm giving up so early in the game, which in some ways I am. But it's not BECAUSE it's hard, but because I think it's one of those things I just KNOW won't work out.

Design.

Like I mentioned before, I've never been the best at school. I've always just been pretty mediocre at school. Also, I hate math. I like hands on subjects. I like creativity. I've always liked English and History. I've always liked reading and writing. You know how some people are academically inclined? Yeah. I'm not. I wouldn't say I'm stupid, because I don't think I am, but I wouldn't say I'm a genius either. Again, I'm pretty average.

I think of design, and it excites me. That's so weird to say, but it does. Yes, I know. I've been reminded that the grass is always greener on the other side. But even going into communications, I was doing it because I was unsure of what else to go into. I never pursued design because I wasn't sure of the career path afterwards. But the more I thought about it....how's communications ANY better? REALLY, how is writing about Facebook, and advertising going to help ME in any way? It may be for some people out there, but not for me.

I figure...if I'm going to put hard work into something, it might as well be something I'm going to enjoy.

I know I don't have a background in it, but I KNOW me. I know I('d) like it.

But I'm also scared. Scared because this is a big decision.

SFU is safe, you know? It's four years, I take my time and I'm surrounded by (some) friends.

This is me, on my own. Making a decision on my own.

I'm scared I won't be good at it.

I just can't believe I'm doing this.

But I want to so bad.

Alright, see ya later.

not all true, but partly, so why not.

oh, easier times.

It's been a while.

It's 6oclock, and I am not sleeping. This is terrible.

I had to bring my parents to the airport so I'm wide awake now. Wide-awake is probably an overstatement. Sleeping doesn't sound too bad, but I've been meaning to type one of these out for a while, just haven't gotten around to it.

You know when people used to say, "take advantage of high school?" They weren't kidding. Sure in terms of friends and the community, etc. I've already discovered that they're right. HOWEVER, I did not know - was not prepared that university would be so different from grade 12 academically. Looking back on it, grade 12 was probably one of my easiest years - haha. Slacking off, chillin' in the pod, study breaks, being MIA in classes and chillin' in the bio lab...oh the good ol' days. Now....true, my life isn't that hard, but it just feels like you never really get a break on the homework load. Things just keep piling up. Before you hand one thing in, the next assignment criteria is already up. Assignments are going on as your studying for midterms. Reading after reading, papers papers papers. Yuck. Plus, wow, I have never written such a terrible paper in my life. It's depressing.

I've never been amazing at school, but I've never really been bad at it either. I'm pretty mediocre academically, but I've always seen myself as a little better than average in terms of grades. Not necessarily at the top, but not necessarily at average. But now...I'm definitely not sitting nice and pretty like I used to. I didn't expect it AT ALL.

It'd be one thing if it was just me - yeah, I guess it wouldn't be the biggest surprise seeing as I just said that I'm not the smartest cookie around, but to see all the people around me struggling as much as I am, and getting low(er) grades is really sad. Not in the way that I'm judging them, but just makes me even more depressed - as in, if EVERYONE is doing that bad, is there any hope for me? HAHA, shoot.

...I'm not even in sciences.

Like I told D, I'm justifying this my telling myself that it was my first university paper. I'll do better next time.....

I think the worst part about university is everything is worth so FREAKING much. One paper is worth 15 percent of my grade. Each mark I lose is one percent of my grade. My midterms are 25. That means....each freaking essay was like 12.5 percent each. Each word was probably worth a quarter of a percent or something. That's pretty....sucky. I hate it.

In terms of independence, university is way better. Meeting new people, new environments, etc. But I'd rather be acing everything with flying colours. I'm gonna go to sleep...so I can wake up and cram a bunch of complex chemistry into my brain for my chem midterm on Monday.

What I'm really saying is, goodbye social life.

Hahaha, again, shooot.

I'd be dying if I wasn't going to school with some of the girls. <3

Pray for my chem midterm, yuck.

...and some more motivation wouldn't hurt either.

Also, back to work next week. Sweet...kinda. Not really.

Good...morning.

Yet another reason this week is going to be a long one. YUCK.

and I'm dreading my shift tonight.

I'm stressed. I'm sitting in the communications building, waiting for class to start 'cause the chem lecture only lasted for like...half an hour today. So I'm really early waiting for class.

I am so, so, so, so tired. I don't think I've had this bad of a Monday before. I think it's just the stress of knowing I have so much to do, in so little time AND knowing I have to work til 11:30 tomorrow night. This week is going to be a long one - or is a short one? You know how the weeks you WANT to be long (cause you have so much to do) end up going SO fast? It'll be a miracle if I reach my 18th birthday...haha. Just kidding.

I gotta go to class now, more later...if I have time.

I was in the middle of a blog post, then my laptop shut down :(

I was just saying how I think I need to change my perspective on things. I often stare at my calendar, and just get so overwhelmed about everything - especially since they all overlap one another. (Hence my thoughts about monochronic and polychronic time ;):)) But really, obviously school is important - and doing well at school is too, but I think I need to stop worrying so much. Everyone is/ has done it - and if not, they're surviving, right? I think I need to learn how to take things one day at a time and stop worrying non-stop.

With that being said, that wasn't really the point of this blog.

I tweeted yesterday that I got a bulk PA email written by Mr. D about PA's 25th anniversary. It made me sad as I sat in my cmns 130 tutorial. It's just so weird hearing from him - not that it was directly intended for me, but still. I miss the teachers there.

Also, it was addressed to "alumni."

When I think of alumni, I think of young adults who are established and mature, etc. I don't think of me, but it's weird that I'm technically part of that group now. I'm not a PA student. I'm alumni. :S

Also, I put a little slash through the days on my calendar...and staring at it now, it's weird seeing that September is almost over. That means...about 2.5 months of school left in this semester. Phewwww.

Homework time.....boo.

It's been one of those weeks...

It's just been one of those weeks.

Everything was overwhelming and frustrating.

And now, it's past 10 and I haven't really gotten any homework done yet AND it's going to be an early morning tomorrow. So essentially, yes, I should be getting a move on before I start doing this, but so what? It's a free country.

You know those days when nothing just sits right with you? It's sort of a toss-up between apathy and annoyance of some sort - but you're not really sure what it is. Maybe it's the week getting to me..or maybe it's just a mixture of things.

I hate the feeling of not being able to fix things - I guess that's the brat in me. I like to have things my way, and it's kind of frustrating when things are out of my control.

I honestly just want a day, where I can lie in my bed and just watch movie after movie. That's what I miss. Days of careless abandon with myself - and with some people.

Sometimes I wish I could rewind the days, but other days, I wish I could just hit fastforward. Over exams, over midterms, etc.

It's weird how fast life goes. As I was driving today - on long stretches of highway - there were memories that were coming to mind that were just weird to think about.

Still, I have a knot in my stomach and I can't shake this feeling.

I CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEEEEELING ANYMORE (8)

..like the song. Okay. Goodnight.

before i get back to my homework.

I haven't had just a homework day in a while. I got home at a little past four today...which is just like the old days. I had time to just...do homework and not stress - which I should get back to shortly.

It was also nice to just spend some time with t and c yesterday. Again, it felt like the old days. A typical night spent next door, taking much longer than I usually would to do my homework. I miss that like crazy, and I drove by my old house, with the for sale sign gone - it looked just like it used to. Yet...it feels like a lifetime ago that I lived there. That makes me so sad to say. Really, it's only been 2 and a half months. But really, so many memories were made in that house...around that house. I don't know why I'm back in this melancholy mood more these days, just missin' it I guess as I get more and more rooted into the university routine. Maybe it's finally sinking in that we can't - and that I can't - go back. That sucks.

I really, really miss my white polo. I didn't know it would be so hard to transition. I'm glad that I'm still surrounded by a few familiar faces though. Today, in the library, (and before the library with E), A and I just moaned about how we miss PA. Well, it only lasted for a minute or two, but still. I guess it helps that I'm not the only one. Strength in numbers right? It's not so much that it's hard...although that adds to it, but I think I just hate changed and having to grow up.

It's like...I want to quit my job so that I can have it easier, have more nights to just sit here and do this, and do my homework. But really, where does that get me? I need the money, so the job is good. I hope that a month down the road, I don't turn around and eat my words by quitting my job. I'd like to stick to it, and just keep doing what I'm doing. It's not too bad. Just busy. It just means less time for myself, and less time with everyone, but again, it's all about learning to prioritize, right? It's just tiring, and really, the transit takes a lot of time out of my day. But meh, what can you do, right?

I just really, really miss the old days when nights like this would typically mean going next door, or having someone over to do homework together - or really, to procrastinate together.

It's just so busy. Always stuff to do, places to go, people to see.

I like being 17. I still want to be able to have fun, but it's so hard to fit it in :(

Also, my shoulders kill, especially my right one from my backpack probably, and bending over to do my homework in bed/ at a desk. I have terrible posture. Ouch.

Back to reading.

Oh, Saturday night.

So, I survived another week of university. Not that it's unbearable...it's just very, very different and today, as I looked through some pics, I really missed my white polo - amongst other things obviously. But it's little things that I never really thought about that I kinda miss. Not to mention - I'm already running out of clothes. Pretty soon the only thing left to wear will be my grad dress...and well....

Sorry, that wasn't funny.

Anyways, today was a good day in that I worked, napped a bit, went grocery shopping AND did some homework. Oh, and I cleaned my room, etc. Yay. I don't remember the last time I just had a Saturday to recoop. :)

Tomorrow, I shall clean my car...inside @ least, and do more homework.

I miss my friends - more particularly as a whole. I miss all of us being together, in the bubble.

But that's nothing new I guess.

It was nice being in fh last night, just hanging with some people. The other week D asked me if it felt weird being back in fh, and if it felt less like home. I said no. I don't know. I've been thinking about it. And home is where family is...and where you feel the most at ease, etc. So in that sense, I live in "X" (for my stalkers). this is my home. But in the sense of "home is where the heart is," fh is still home.

It does feel more weird being there now though, which makes me sad. I think it's the fact that I don't recognize things which throws me off. The fact that, like pa, life is still happening out there, while im out here, is weird to think about. It's not the same anymore. And if i give it enough thought, i still - for lack of a better word - ache when I think about it. Like how so many things would be different if I still lived there. But I guess there's no point in dwelling in that.

I think ...it's a matter of me still trying to grasp some level of normality, or routine - but I haven't yet. In terms of school I mean - not so much X. Even though, I guess that too.

I'm excited for this new week though. Why? 'cause like I said, I went grocery shopping. Mmmm. I don't think I mentioned it, but I get through my classes by eating. It keeps me entertained and busy. So this is gonna be great. Also, I think I'm gonna take it easy on Tuesday, if you know what I mean ;)

Also, I think I'm getting sick. Poopee.

thought this was deep haha

TGIF

I know I said I would read my philosophy hw on the skytrain today, but I can't help but sit here and relish the fact that it is friday. I only have a fifty minute class today, then I can officially say that I have gotten through my first week of university. Granted, it wasn't technically a full week since.....we had labour day off AND there were no tutorials - but hey, who's really counting? Haha

I forgot to mention that yesterday included probably the worse skytrain experience of my life. I came to two conclusions: it's not the best idea to skytrain during rush hour, and people need to learn the importance of deodorant. Oh, I'll make that three conclusions - if you are going to skytrain during rush hour on a hot day, don't buy hot coffee.

I need to make a transfer - haha, hang on.

.......

To continue on with my play-by-play, I barely caught that bus. Hahaha but its all good.

Anyways, I'm gonna try and tap into something more pensive....haha.

I've been sitting here for at least ten minutes trying to come up with something worthwhile - but I can't really think of anything else besides this whole university experience and I guess a little bit of sadness at having to let high school go.

But as much as I miss high school, I'm pretty happy with where things are at. I mean, like I said, I miss the structure, but I think more than anything, I just miss the familiarity - with everything. Like my surroundings, the atmosphere and especially the people. Its sad that the only contact I really ever have with my friends that don't go to sfu is bbm or texting now - or facebook if that. Wonder of all wonders I hardly ever go on facebook anymore - haha imagine that.

Maybe, its more that I miss being able to just do nothing all day, you know? Wake up and walk next door, or down the street to see a friend. Or sit at starbucks with my friends for hours and just talk about nothing in particular - not that that's impossible now - since granted, my life isn't really that hard. But in between school, almost two hours of transitting each way, working (17 hrs this week), doing (already) wackloads of reading and some other homework I should start on, spending time with the fam, sleeping and some other stuff ;), sitting at starbucks for hours on end isn't a high priority - haha.

Like I said, TGIF.
Also, I'm pretty sure its payday today, which is just a cherry on top. I love cherries.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

I thought I'd reward myself.

I intended on finishing up my philosophy readings tonight, but you know what...I'll finish it on the bus tomorrow, plus I don't work til 5 which should give me some time to finish up philosophy AND maybe even make a dent on the communication readings. I mean...I read some of that in the car the other day, but I don't think I absorbed much. On the bright side, I did finish my chem readings for tomorrow - although there are more that I have to do for the lab section - and I finished the two readings for English, which I'm pretty happy about. So...why not. I thought I'd blog and hit the hay for tonight.

To be a little bit more of a pessimist for a few more seconds, I really need a massage. My shoulders are still killing me :( I don't know why.

Also, I don't know why I'm talking/ blogging so sophisticatedly. I mean, I did just email two of my profs regarding exams, so that must play a part in all this proper and intellectual way of talking - haha. Well probably not so much the haha, you know what I'm saying? :P

Enough of that I guess.

So the verdict of this week, transit isn't so bad. True, it's long, but considering that it only takes approximately half an hour more than me driving, it ain't so bad. Sure, it bumps up the commute to about 1.5 hours (fml haha) - I get reading done and it's annoying to drive during rush hours in the mornings anyway. So I only drive on days I have to - or days I really don't want to transit. Something like that. Sure, it's only been 3 days of school, coming up on four, but that is the plan. No way half a tank of gas will get me there a few times a week anyway. Plus, transitting is free, technically... AND, it allows me to have a life during the weekends if I insist on being cheap and want the 30 bucks to last. So really, transitting is a no brainer, right? Haha :)

As far as classes go, I honestly don't have a verdict yet. All I can say is, it's very very very different from high school - and more specifically PA. (Thanks tips). I mean, if you went to a public school with let's say 1200 students in a high school, the anonymity (did I use that right?) isn't too foreign or bizarre. But considering that PA had approximately 400 students in the high school, suddenly having to sit in lectures with that many students in one class is, like I said, very very very different. Plus, structurally speaking, it's definitely more independent - which I guess, was to be expected. But still, if you knew me well, you'd know this - I like structure and while university has some of that - I do miss being spoonfed my to-do list. It was nice.

Today, I handed in my first "mark" for university. In the sense that...it was a lab and the first thing that is going to get marked for me. It was pretty scary. But I think I'm going to like the people I work beside, they're nice. I guess sometimes you have to remind yourself that you're all pretty much in the same boat, trying to find your way for the first time at school - for the most part...give or take a few 2nd years or whatever. Since you know...I'm not in the BASIC chem course...what's up now?! Just kidding, I didn't really have a choice. I was originally signing up for the other chem course - which I was so excited about when I noticed that it was basically a review of chem 12 - but psych...that's exactly what it was. It was basically chem 12 in university - so to my dismay, I couldn't take it. Haha, so here I am, taking the more advanced chem course. Wait, remind me - why am I taking chem again? Just kidding.

On the bright side of things, my lab didn't quite run the four hours today, so I got home around 530, which is around what time the lab usually ends at...haha oh my. But hey, we are back next week...maybe if I'm lucky!

...I guess this proper, intellectual talk is still going.

Also, today is the 9th. Tomorrow is the 10th. (Yeah, it is).

Which means that tomorrow will be 2 months since I moved to Richmond.

Really...only two months?

Okay, it's past my bedtime now, and I'm too lazy to get into deeper thoughts in that it will mean that I will get to bed late, and I'm pretty excited about my sleep. Not to mention, I'll feel guilty if I stay up too late, wasting time and not doing some sort of reading for school.

Oh, university life. (Ha...I sound so dumb saying that since it's only been 3 days. Oh well, I'll milk it for what it's worth.)

It's weird that it's here.

I should really be sleeping now, enjoying every second I can get...'cause I'm not getting much sleep tonight. But I'm justifying this by the fact that I don't work tomorrow or Thursday...and in between family dinner, homework and organizing my schedule, I will get some sleep.

I could blog about my first day...or I could just ramble. I like the second one better.

I am exhausted for some reason. I didn't do much today though, which is what scares me since it's definitely going to get busier. The four hour shift til 10 was cut short too...which was a plus. It was a lot of restocking and stuff like that, which was good.

What blows my mind...is that my lecture this morning had about 4oo students in it. That's crazy considering high school last year had what...a little over 400? Yeah, that's definitely a change.

I'm also reassuring myself that I'll get some reading done while I transit tomorrow.

Hmmm...is it bad that I'm already looking forward to the weekend?

I'm livinnn' for the weekend, hey! (The Weekenders...come on.)

It's weird that normally...my uniform would probably be strewn on my bed, somewhere by my feet, ready for tomorrow. But nope, I've got some jeggings and a sweater ready for tomorrow. :(

Man, this is different.

Goodbye Summer.

This is going to be a short one.

A few years ago, if you asked me how I pictured my last summer with my all friends would be like....this summer wouldn't have been it. On the top of my list of expectations would be having stayed in Surrey after graduation, or at least not moving that soon. But hey, that's now how things turned out.

This summer was probably...the opposite of what I would've pictured for my Summer. But now that it's all said and done, I would say that, it was one of my most memorable Summers - both the highlights and the lowlights - haha.

It's weird that...okay, who's counting really, but summer technically ends in 13 minutes.

I am scared out of my mind for what's next. It's not even the uncertainty anymore - although, yeah, that adds to it. The unknown is scary, plus I don't know why, but I'm really nervous to transit tomorrow by myself - haha! This is what PA has to done to me...

But...tonight I'm sitting here, I'm so sleepy.

I'm picturing my busy week ahead of me, and I'm already freaking out.

My sfu email is clogged up with class info, and the course outlines, weekly schedules - OH MYYY - plus my 17 hour work week. I don't know - I know, I know....it could be worse. TRUE, but wow, it's not looking too pleasant. I feel like I'm gonna be beat by the end of it. I already am.

Point was....

I'm scared of what's ahead.

Summer's really over.

I'm scared I took on too much with 5 classes this sem.

We'll see I guess.

To anyone who cares - and actually reads this blog...

hope all your first days go well too, and that your summer wasn't half bad either ;)

This blog sucks, I'm tired and thought it'd be a good idea to write this down though.

Goodnight.

More to come.

this is good for me.

Today.

Today, I went to SFU with my mama to buy some books/ get my parking permit (for the days i spoil myself and drive). I won the lottery for it, yay me :)...along with at least 100 other people, but still...yay me. Not that I did much...haha.

The campus is way too confusing, plus...it was gloomy today. Times that by ten...and you've got burnaby mountain. I'm honestly contemplating this whole - transferring to UBC after a year (if I can and stuff). But we'll see...a lot changes in a year. But really, I think I really am going to miss high school. Not in the same sense I talked about before. But seriously...it's just so...blah. But nevertheless, I'm kinda curious and anxious about what's in store.

This didn't happen today, but I think I'm really going to like my job. Plus I like my managers and the people I work with - so that's a plus :)

Also, today was a big day in terms of other things..yeah.

All in all, it was a good day.

And it's not even 9 yet, and I'm ready to sleep.

I'm exhausted - mentally, physically and emotionally. Plus I work at 9 tomorrow - and that's early for Summer haha.

Lastly, I am thankful for best friends.

Thank you for always supporting me and listening and all the advice - and telling me what I need to hear even if I don't want to hear it sometimes. Thank you for...just knowing me and getting me.

...Also, I'm thankful for my mom.

thats what she said - the highlight of my day

melissa: okay roleplay...my fav.

something you might not know about me...

i love smelly cheese.

hahaha this quote will probably only be funny to four other people.

j: haha too much information dennis.

d: why is that tmi?

j: i was going to say tmi, but i wasn't sure if you'd know what it meant haha!

d: LOL i know most acronyms. I go to UBC

A Few More.

Ask what most people want out of life and the answer is simple; to be happy. Maybe it’s this expectation though, the wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to the state of bliss, the more confused we get…to the point where we dont recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling…trying like hell to the be the happy people we wish we were. until eventually it hits us, it’s been there all along…not in our dreams or hopes but in the known. the comfortable. the familiar.

--Grey's Anatomy

I believe that everything happens for a reason. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust nobody but yourself. And sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

--Marilyn Monroe

Dear M,

i wasn't sure if this was more fitting for a blog post or a private message between me and m...i guess we'll see after i type out this whole post.

m, you wrote this on your blog: (i hope it's not too private to share)

"....i guess the real issue on my mind was, why can't we all just be friends still? and why does it feel like i'm the one who cares the most, out of anyone else i know. tell me. I'd love to know"

i know personally, it's not that i don't care. on any given night, i could easily dwell on everything that is wrong, or everything that i wish was different. such as things you and i both know i wish i could change, or the fact that i don't live in surrey anymore, or the fact that high school is over...that i probably won't ever see more than half of our grad class ever again. i could easily sit and just close my eyes and remember all the memories vividly like it was just yesterday. i could dwell on all the little things about every single one of our friends...all our little quirks..and even though we were/ are all so different, we just sort of fit together in some weird way. (to this day, i still think that one big thing we had in common was that we all spoke sarcasm fluently, and we were all willing to give/ take a few jabs a day)

but i don't let myself. i don't let myself think about the fact that it's really over..that it'll never be the same way again. i did...but i don't anymore. why? because what's the point? it's not that i don't care - i care a lot. but how many quotes have we read about moving on or about...living life to the fullest, and embracing things for the way they are and making the best of things? sure, it's cliche...but just like "there's truth behind every jk," there's probably some truth behind every cliche, you know?

i found that the more free time i have, the more i think about what could be...or what used to be - and that just doesn't help at all. because like i said, what's the point? dwelling on the past doesn't bring it back, nor does thinking "i wish things were this way..." change things.

Here's a good one: Ida Scott Taylor once wrote: Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.

It's not that I no longer care about the past, or how everything was, or the people in it. It's that I agree with that quote. It's about making some new memories now that you can look back on in another year and miss/ smile at these memories too because they too are "worth remembering."

Also, I think everyone comes to a point where you realize in high school, especially PA, it's easy to be friends with everyone. You see everyone everyday, it's a small school - it's easy. Everyone is your friend. You don't really have to try. Life throws you together, and you don't really have to make an effort. They're there, you're there - might as well be friends. There were even people you didn't even really like - but hey, might as well be friends, right? Haha, just kidding. Maybe. But I think once you get out of that, you realize that you can't really be friends with everyone. My brother told me a long time ago, "It's sad, but one day, you're going to realize that the only thing you really had in common was that you went to the same high school." The optimist in me refused to believe him, and hey, the optimist in me still refuses to believe him. But the realistic in me thinks, if it's hard now, how much harder is it going to be 2 weeks from now when we've all started a new era in our lives - university. When everyone is going to be doing different things, and going different places in their lives. I think that when you accept that everything is going to change - or has already changed, you accept that it's no longer about being friends with everyone. Not that I don't want to be, or wish I could stay friends with everyone - but realistically, that's already not the case, right? I mean, we are all still friends...but not like it once was.

I guess that's when you realize who your real friends really were - or who your real friends really are. Those people who are still in your lives - where the effort is going both ways to stay friends. Because honestly, relationships die if it's not going both ways right?

For me, I can look back on the last month and a half of my Summer, and see the people I've spent time with and smile. (Sorry, that's cheesy - but it's true.) I've already kind of seen which friendships are the ones with the effort is going both ways. I know I'm at fault in some relationships too that I haven't spent time nurturing, and I guess it would be pointless to make excuses for that. Things just change sometimes, which sucks a lot of the time.

But like I said, I could easily dwell on all those people I miss, but it's true what they say, right? It's a two-way street (literally), and the phone goes both ways. I don't know know what the point of this part was...but yeah. I could easily sit and just miss everyone, but I don't. Why? Because, again, what's the point?

I miss everyone, and I probably always will. They'll always be a part of me because everyone has played a huge part in my life - and in who I've become as a person. And I owe that to them. But things change and people change - and that's something that I can't change.

Like I said, it's not that I don't care. I care a lot. But the more I think about it, the more I'll get down on myself, and why do that to myself? I'd rather make my days so beautiful that it'll be worth remembering.

anyone else besides me find this cute?? hahaha

...how's your day? I'll say crazy.

1. I had my training shift today at TCP. It was pretty cool. We get lockers, nametags and headsets. It's pretty legit.

2.Today marks a month of living in Richmond. I honestly can't get over it. Today, I had training, went to the bank...washed my car, went across the street and did some thinking and journalled. It feels so routine and...so everyday to be living here. But not in a way that feels natural either. What feels natural are the times I am driving from richmond to surrey, and I drive through guildford...down 156th and into FH. That feels natural. This...this is just life, I guess.

It feels like a lifetime ago that I was counting down the days til I moved - and not in an excitable way really. Just counting down the inevitable I guess. Feels like just yesterday we were at Miles'/Cassy's for my "surprise" going away party - "Ohh, whatta night.." - haha, and the night after that at Sean's. A couple of nights with friends that I won't forget anytime soon. It was a good way to end...an era. HAHA. I don't know how to put it...but you know what I mean. It was though. Definitely memorable.

3. It's weird to think that in less than a month, I'll be in university. In another month, I would've had orientation..gotten my UPass, found out if I won the stinkin' lottery for parking at school, STARTED school - I'll be a few days into my first week at university...that's pretty exciting and scary and nerve wracking (is that how you spell it?) all at once. Sickkk.

4. I need to buy books for school...hmm. What happened to good ol' school supply lists in the mail telling me exactly what I need? Especially the ones from middle school...miss those already - haha.

5. I want a new phone. Also, I need to start paying for my phone bill soon. New "responsibilities." Hey, it could be worse...and I guess the new phone can wait - haha.

6. Life's pretty funny sometimes eh...or I guess God has a sense of humour - however you wanna look at it. Just when you think you've finally got a handle on things sometimes...then wait, newsflash, you realize that you don't. I guess it's God's way of showing us - and me - that hey, you don't got it all figured out...you still need Me.

7. I'm finally getting over this cold. It was a pretty nasty one - and I don't mean that in a graphic way. It was just a bad cold, and I swear I had a fever one night. But glad that's over. Only a couple more days, I think, and I'll be back to normal :)

8. I did some shopping over the weekend...bought a few tops and a couple of flats and a bag. It's gonna be ridiculous having to pick what to wear every morning. Booo.

9. I'm on a mission to save money and be good with my money. Not going to buy stupid stuff just because I can.

10. I don't let myself think about it much - or at all, but I'm missing some people like crazy.

Sorry for the CHEESSEEEE

Saw this, and had to blog it...why?

Because well, I'm joanne and it was cute. And I live for cute.

"Love isn’t an act, it’s a whole life. It’s staying with her now because she needs you; it’s knowing you and she will still care about each other when sex and daydreams, fights and futures—when all that’s on the shelf and done with. Love—why, I’ll tell you what love is: it’s you at seventy-five and her at seventy-one, each of you listening for the other’s step in the next room, each afraid that a sudden silence, a sudden cry, could mean a lifetime’s talk is over."

I saw this on N's facebook. :)

"Nothing that’s worthwhile is ever easy. Remember that."
— Nicholas Sparks

oh, PA/ high school.

hmm interesting

Whats upppp

Feels like forever ago that I have sat with my laptop in front of me with actual things in my mind that I want to write about. Usually when I sit here, the same thoughts are running through my head. Sometimes too repetitive or shallow for me to always reiterate, or sometimes too deep and complex to bother trying to communicate it. So hopefully, tonight, I have some luck.

To recap, the last couple days have been really fun. Again, days when I hang out with my best friends, it feels like nothing has changed - which is the way it should be right? ("Best friends can grow separately without growing apart.") That is especially the case when I hang out with them in Fraser Heights. It just feels so natural. I think I am past the sulking part of it. I guess I am used to it, or have accepted it at least - that this is where I live now. Might as well make the most of it. And again, I am blessed to have people who make such a big effort to always come and see me and make me feel like I am still at home - that nothing has changed. It's ironic, because like I said once, they have made it both easier and harder at the same time. Which isn't bad necessarily. Thank you, I owe you.

I spent Sunday, yesterday and today with, I would say, the people who know me the best. It was nice. Especially the sleepover with the girlzz, which was long overdue. I have definitely missed those girls...or "us." It feels like a lifetime ago that the four of us were running around on that overgrown field at FIC in our sunday dresses, kicking and blowing at the dandelions. Sitting on the rocks...especially the mermaid one. Yeah, definitely feels like a lifetime ago. I guess when you're 17...10 years is a lifetime ago. Haha, who knew we'd get here, huh? 10 years later, summer after graduation, getting ready to go to university. It felt surreal for the four of us to be walking on the sfu campus together. It sucks that we're all going to different schools next year - well most of us. It was a gong show...But still, thanks for being a part of the madness - today...and also for the last 10 years.

While the last few days have been fun, they've been a whirlwind now that I think about it. I experienced all the different areas of my life - haha, I'll explain that. Like today alone, I was in fh, bby, back in fh, then richmond. Not to mention, I was at PA and then SFU right after. It's just weird thinking about all the different aspects of my life...or the different stages of it at least. It kinda felt otherworldly. Highschool, university, job interview. Yet, I got to experience it with my best friends, which...was the constant amidst the change. I guess I can't complain about that. :)

Hmm what else.

It kinda frustrates me that I've been really bad at...being contemplative really. I don't know why I haven't really sat down and just really thought about things. I mean, there's not really much happening I guess, but still. I don't know. There just used to be so much to talk about...think about, and now I've just kinda stopped. I guess there was a lot more happening, more time spent with friends, more conversations...just more. I don't really know what I mean by all this - but yeah.

On Sunday though, as I was sitting on the balcony and I was just looking down on the rest of the congregation, I was just thinking how...I don't know...BIG God is I guess. Like...I was thinking about my life. All the ups and downs, the rights and wrongs - then I looked around me and it kinda dawned on me...how big and great is our God that he not only knows my story from beginning to end, but also everyone's around me. That's pretty crazy. Not to mention, I was thinking about how...all the diversity sitting in that one congregation. Even sitting in front of me, there was a couple reading the Bible on their iPhone in Korean (I think). I was just kinda thinking to myself like, wow, think about how great God is that He is real to this many people and present in this many lives. Like we all have our own stories right? Our own pasts...or histories. It's pretty crazy how many people God has saved - even sitting in just one congregation of that size it was crazy to think about - and that was just one congregation.

WHAAAT ELSE? Hmmm...

People are pretty funny eh?

Like I think there's three types of people. People who are exactly who you think they are, people who aren't - simply because you jumped to conclusions, or because people just change, and people who are just aren't who you think they are. I mean, most of the time, I like it when people surprise me with who they are. I like it because, it's like hey, cool, there's so much more to you than I thought. It'd be cool to find out more. But there's other times where it's just like...you're not who I thought you were at all. What a shame. - Those surprises aren't the best.

Yet I'm also seeing that there's also another one where sometimes even as well as you think you know a person, sometimes, they can still surprise you. I guess that can be good or bad. In this case, it's good though. :)

Ahhh, okay. I have lost my fire for this blog. It's quite long anyway, and I can't multitask seeing as I am on the phone now. I might as well just publish this. I didn't proofread either. So...don't be too hard on me. Check it lattterrr :)

Goodnight!

Photographs and memories.

You know what makes me sad?

For someone who brought her camera everywhere, and was notorious for taking pictures at any given second, I haven't taken any pictures this summer. Less than 10, probably.

I read a quote about pictures remind us of the little things that we forget. I guess that's a given - haha the quote put it better than that. I need to start taking pictures again. They won't be much though. My summers are very much about do-nothing days with the best people. But hey, I can't complain. Aren't the best kinds of friends you can have the ones that you can still be comfortable around even when you're saying nothing to see eachother - still understand eachother in the same way even though you say 5 words or 50? (That sentence sounds really awkward to me...oh well.)

Yeah, well, stick around and maybe you'll start seeing some pics of me and some great people doing a whole bunch of nothing. :)

"#highschooltaughtme" trending topic on twitter.

just some random ones that made me smile/ think:

• "...how to text without looking at my phone"
• "...that showing your pack of gum in a public area is a BAD idea"
• "...that everybody aint ya friend"
• "...that is not okay to pack up 30 seconds before the bell rings"
• "...you may graduate with those friends, but wait until summer's over"
• "...be picky about who you choose to be friends with. Quality is better than quantity."
• "...how to procrastinate"
• "...you told one person, you told everybody"
• "...that it's different from the movies"
• "...that 'i'll pay you back tomorrow' means you're never getting your money back"
• "...not to settle and not to think that nothing lasts forever"
• "...the world is much bigger"
• "...things change"

mmm, guess i'll end with that one. that's a big one i learned.

#highschooltaughtme that nothing is permanent.

Food for thought.

"The best thing about a picture is that it never changes, even when the people in it do."

--Andy Warhol

"I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say “Hi.” They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word."

--Augusten Burroughs

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian."

--Dennis Wholey

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do and damned if you don’t."

--Eleanor Roosevelt

I've been kinda lacking in the blogs lately. I've just been busy..or not at all.

A little bit of both. And yet, have nothing to talk about either.

I was just reading some old blogs. I used to be so...contemplative, and now, I'm just blah. I guess I'm all talked out - or typed out. Whatever ;)

You know what I was just thinking about....I need to actually pick out an outfit every morning next year. That's weird. Yeah, that'll definitely be weird. Not to mention...expensive. Haha just kidding. It'll be more weird than anything - and I didn't even go to PA my whole life. I guess 8 years of uniforms is still a pretty long time.

I have a job interview tomorrow...it's a group one though...so I don't know how well that'll work. Not to mention, I've never had an interview before. This'll be interesting.

It's been a good week, and I am TIREEEED.

Peace out.

don't know if ive posted this before..but touche.

Made me stop and think.

I miss it.

It makes me sad because I really didn't think we'd fall apart this fast. It's one of those things....I feel like, if we all hung out again, it would feel like nothing had changed - even though everything has. I still constantly have to remind myself that high school is over. It's weird that in a month, I'll be going to University - the single biggest thing I've worked towards achieving in the last 17 years- and it's here.

I miss it. The late night phone calls and staying up because...who really cared about being tired in chemistry? Where...one of the most irresponsible things that I could do was not do my homework. Where one of my biggest responsibilities was making sure that I tucked in my shirt. I guess I talk about this too much.

More than anything though, more than PA itself, I miss my friends. It's REALLY weird that it's only July, you know? Has it even been three weeks since I moved? I don't know anymore. But really, I thought it'd be easier keeping in touch with everyone over the summer. I mean, it's like this every summer. We all do our own thing, catch up a few weeks before schools back and then it's back to the routine. But that's over, isn't it?

We're all just doing our own thing....and when September rolls around, it'll be time for a new routine. It's depressing to think about, but it's reality I guess.

Still, it blows my mind how quickly it happened.

I am looking forward to the next time we're all together though, because I do feel like it'll be the same - at least I hope it will be.

It's just weird because it's the people I didn't think I'd stay in touch with that I've already seen a few times, and the people I thought I would...I haven't.

Funny how life is...guess funny isn't really the right word eh?

What's that saying?

"Two wrongs don't make a right."

Touche.

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
-Harvey Mackay

I think I messed up.

I think I screwed up with my priorities. In the last few months of high school, I got caught up in enjoying the time I had left with the people I'll probably never see again - which was obviously important. But along the way, I also lost track of other people who were and are important to me. That wasn't fair to them. I miss them terribly.

Thank you Mar for listening and being a strong shoulder to lean on. Of course I read your post. Always do :) Thank you for the constant reminder that life is good and that God is too. I love you too <3!!

What's going on?!

1. I need a job. Badly. Actually, I need money badly. I guess those are interchangeable.

2. I can't find where I packed the car insurance book. I wanna read it..since I have a lot of free time because I can't seem to get a handle on number one. SOOO...it'd be good to get a move on on that so that I can fix number 1, BUT...for the life of me, I can't seem to remember where I packed it!!! HELP?!

3. Time seems to be going by sooooo slow these days...

4. Did I mention I need a job? Although I don't like the song that much, I also want "to be a billionaire, soo freaking bad."

5. I think I'm getting sick :( Nah, I AM getting sick. Bummer.

6. Did I mention? I got my courses all figured out for next year :) Tuesdays and Fridays are looking miiiighty fine ;).....like you. PSYCH!

7. I miss high school...and the people - especially the people.

8. Also, today was fun. :)

...Actually, this whole week hasn't been bad (LG, LG)...I really can't complain. Life is good and like always, I am blessed. - I always gotta remind myself in case I forget - which I often do.

Goodnight :)

Thoughts

It was nice being back in Fraser Heights again today. It's crazy to think that it's only been a week. In some ways, it feels like I never left, yet...it also feels like I've been gone a lifetime. You know? When time seems to go so fast, yet so slow at the same time? Usually that happens at work...but it's like maximized and translated into my life...Okay, bad comparison I guess.

Anyways, it was weird. Driving on my street and pulling up to Therese's instead and not parking in my own driveway. It seemed more surreal since the new people haven't actually moved in yet. I could easily walk up my driveway, put my garage code in and had I not given up my key, I could still prance in there like it's my house. Some of the furniture they bought from us would still be in there, and it would feel like I never left. The garbage cans along the side of the house were still there, the porch along the back, same as always - just a little emptier without the furniture. It was the same, but different, you know? I did so much growing up at that house...I still can't believe it's not mine anymore.

Two seconds after pulling up into the Starbucks/ TD parking lot, I had already recognized someone - our old realtor. I miss that, you know? Familiarity. Not to mention...being able to drive around the neighbourhood and know where I'm going without a GPS telling me where to go. I guess that falls under the familiarity umbrella too. It's just hard. I'm Joanne. I like being comfortable - good life, I guess.

It was weird leaving so early. I left a little before ten, and didn't make it back to Richmond 'til almost 11. (There was an accident! haha) It just sucks. Ten is early. That's when people would show up to my house to just hang out - or later. Now...ten means me leaving FH to drive back to the "house." (Just a house, remember?) I wish I made more of it, but at the same time, what would I have changed? The last couple months in Surrey were unforgettable - ha, sorry for the cheese.

I just read mel's blog, and tonight, as she walked home, she stopped by PA and walked around the campus. It was her first time being back since grad. I remember sitting on the stage at commencement and thinking that that was the last time we were all ever gonna be at the school together as a grade, ever again. It's just weird. Mel took a trip down memory lane...I kinda joined her a bit as I read her blog (is that a metaphor? Whatever it is, forgive me, it's not that good. Haha). I can close my eyes and remember the things she talks about vividly - the grade 9 hallway, where I spent so many afternoons waiting for my dad to pick me up. The mosaic wall by the library, the trophy case, the elevator - and the first time riding it, the grade 10 hallway, the grade 11/ 12 pods...the cafeteria, the auditorium. It is weird knowing that I won't be back there. Like RS said in his write up last year, PA was his home away from home. I can relate to that. PA was a bubble sure, but I liked it. I'm going to miss it.

I'm going to miss it all. High school, Fraser Heights...certainty.

It's times like this, that while I know I am not always doing the greatest on my walk with Jesus, I am glad for the Hope that I can always cling to. The certainty that is always there - an unchanging God. I don't know what I would look to if it weren't for that.

Fear

You know, I'm not an adventurous person. A lot of things scare me...like bees, the way rollercoasters make me feel, driving too fast, dark alleys, the future, grownups (make me nervous), heights, etc. I'm also scared of uncertainty - of not knowing what lies ahead, the unknown so to speak. I like answers, I like having something tangible that I understand and can put my finger on. I like certainty and knowing which way is up. I like control I guess. Maybe that's the lesson in all of this. Learning to trust God in times of uncertainty. Why? Because if I were to point to one thing that was certain in my life right now, it'd be the uncertainty. And that, amongst other things, SCARES the living daylights out of me.

My brother's words of wisdom...

"You never do something with the future in mind, you do it because it's what you want to be doing right now."

you just did the impossible, gained my trust.

Anyways, I guess it's time to catch you up on my life...since I haven't done that lately. I've merely been moping and ranting, which who knows, this blog might also become that, but we'll see. I'm not aiming for it to be. I've been trying to keep myself busy, it's easier when I am.

I think this is gonna be a stream of consciousness.
Anyways, thank goodness for my neighbour who has unsecured internet...or else I'd have NOTHING to do here. I guess...I still have to go explore the park across the street. It's kind of funny because I figured it'd be the first thing I'd do here but it wasn't. Today, I napped for like 4 hours. It was a pretty unproductive day. I unpacked my last box of clothes and then waited to enroll in my classes. SFU anyone? (CMNS 110, CMNS 130, ENG 101, CHEM 121, PHIL120) Who knew labs would be four hours...good luck joanne. Ladededa...

On another note, I'm kind of feeding the inner rebel inside of me...or whatever I can call it. On my GPS, I am determined to leave my house as my "home" preset. (**edit: I didn't even mean to refer to my old house in Surrey as "my house." I meant to say my old house...haha, my subconscious typing I guess...sigh.) For sentimental ol' me, it is home. I saved this address as "house." Why? 'cause it's just a house. I still wish I was living with my brother. Not that I don't like living with my parents. And in this sense, I don't think it's so much the Richmond factor that makes me want to live with my brother so much, even though that does play a part. I think it's more the idea of companionship. Haha, that makes me sound so sad and lonely - and I guess I am. But not like...you know. But yeah, I hope you get what I mean. It's just having people I can hang out with and stuff. Plus, it's got a killer view. I'm so sad.

So it was weird sitting in Starbucks today because it's so different from being at Starbucks in FH. However, everytime I sit at Starbucks for long periods of time I can smell its scent on me afterwards. That's still the same. It's the same smell. haha, but it's weird sitting there and not recognizing at least the workers or some of the faces passing by. I guess that's something I'll miss - allllready do.

I don't let myself dwell on it too long. I'm on the verge of crying again soon, so...let's not.

So like I said, I saved this house has "house" on my gps, and so as I drive up, it says "arriving at house on right." I started chuckling to myself when I thought of saving it "yo crib" or something. Especially since my gps is set as a british man's voice. I was so close to doing it, but my parents will probs give me a funny look when they hear it...so I'm debating whether or not to. LOL, but hey, I need some entertainment in my life.

What else, what else. Tomorrow, I'm gonna go print out pics from grad. A couple so I can put it in my frames. I'm not sure if it'd be better or worse to put those up...haha speaking of pics though, I'm gonna do the back of my door...soon. It'll probs be hard. I feel like I'm going through a breakup or something with the way I'm talking about this. Well, okay, not exactly. You know what I mean.

It was nice being in Surrey again yesterday. I said my goodbyes to my house. It was weird seeing it so empty. But okay, yeah, that's enough. It was just weird and sad. 'nough said.

I'm so relieved about my classes. I'm still curious as to how long it'll take me to get to school. But hey, it's not terrible. Earliest classes are at 930 and longest day is like...520. Stupid 4 hour lab. Haha, I'll survive. I should look for a job, ehhh?

Yeah, that'd be good. I just gotta figure out what's going on this summer. Like I said, it'd be good to keep myself busy and earn money too.

On ANOTHER note, it's funny how I don't have to set the alarm when I leave the house anymore. Also, I left the house and came back and realized that I left my window open...that would've never happened at the last house, with my parents being super paranoid about that sort of thing. Meh, it's a good change :)

Also, it's nice 'cause my parents are home more now that all the job sites are like...down the street. Well, not exactly. But like I've said before, an hour is very different from a few minutes. Now that we live so close, they don't have to be out all day. It's nice that they're home, but it also sucks that we live in Richmond. Haha, won't ever let that go.

I gotta fold the laundry now. So...maybe more later.
If you read all that - thanks :P

"It's just 88th and a bridge..."

That's what I keep telling myself. Or I guess...it should be, it's just a bridge and 88th...since I'm coming at it from this side of the bridge. FML. Seriously, like I hate being dramatic and stuff, it's only Richmond...it's only an hour. That's how my parents see it. But I'm 17...and an hour is really different from 2 minutes. Fraser Heights is home...at least it was for 8 years. It's not going to be easy moving away from that - it hasn't been. Last night was my first night in Richmond...it sucked. I'm so tired of crying. I keep half expecting for things to go back to normal cause honestly...this is a far far far cry from what I would call normal. Maybe normal isn't the right word. It's not, but I don't care. I'm honestly, just sick and tired of crying. I'm too tired to cry.

I know...it could be worse. Like if I wanted to be completely optimistic about it. I know it could be worse. I could be moving across the country...or to a different country, I could have no car, my friends could not have cars, I could be going to a school with none of my friends...and it's the opposite of all of those. Yeah, it could be worse. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck.

I do understand it though....even though my parents don't think I do. I do understand that they moved me not because they hate me. They moved for work, and I get that. I get that this is their job and that in order for me to live the comfortable life that I do, this had to happen. It just sucks that it had to happen NOW. Not that it would've been any easier down the road. Or maybe it might've been. It's just...the beginning of Summer, you know? Things were just getting good. And this had to happen. I went to bed with a knot in my stomach and I woke up with one.

It's funny because I forgot about it for a while. I went on with life for a couple weeks not thinking about it, which was good. I just enjoyed...whatever, being 17. I kept saying, "I cant believe I'm moving next week..in 3 days...tomorrow, etc." But that was only to remind myself...it didn't really, really hit me til last night. We say nothing's going to change now, but we all know everything will. I hate it.

It's Sunday, it's not like I'd be hanging out with my friends right now anyway, but just knowing that I can't is what really gets me. It'll never be the same again...that gets me too. I miss it already.

I love my friends though...even though I guess...that's what technically making this harder since I hate to move away from them. Haha, but I do love them. They're making this (somewhat) bearable - thanks.

The game plan...is just to live everyday..to the fullest. Even though it's a cliche, I do agree with it. Just enjoy the days, you know? "Keep breathing" as Mrs. Kooy said. Life goes on. Yeah, I know that. It's just hard.

Funny how things change...funny how things are.

Just that. Funny how things change...funny how things are.

Today, sitting at fraserwood in the field, I was just reminded of that. I mean, I'm reminded of that everyday these days. But really, how did we get here? It's just a reminder of how uncertain life really is - how something can change in the blink of an eye, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.

Tonight, I finished packing up most of my closet.

Who knew, a year ago, that we'd ever get here?

And that when we did...this is how things would be...

Funny how things are, funny how things change.

a little excerpt from my other blog

I've made mistakes, I'm not perfect. I know that. But I also know that I'm not a terrible person. There are things that I regret in life. Things I wish I didn't do...and things that I wish I could change, but I still don't think I'm a terrible person. I've burnt bridges that I sometimes wish I hadn't, but at the end of the day, if everything that has happened has brought us here, I can't say it's all been bad. Mistakes - we make them, we learn from them and we move on, right? For the most part, I would like to think so.

Which is not to say I have a lot of regrets either. Someone told me once not to regret anything because everything that has happened has been a lesson in disguise - and that you should just brush it off and move on. I agree, and maybe it's not so much things that I did that I regret, but also people's perceptions of it. Sure, I'm biased, but I also believe that everyone should be able to explain themselves.

I don't want my mistakes, my history or my past to define who I am. That's a part of the reason I'm so ready to be done high school. New surroundings, new friends who don't judge you based on what you've done or who you were - not that my friends do, but you know what I mean. It's just a clean start, with new people, who only know the person you are at that moment. They don't care about what got you there, because the person standing in front of them is all they know.

I love that I can sit around with my friends and say, "Remember when this happened...?" We share so many memories together, that have ultimately made us who we are, yet....sometimes, that's what makes it so hard. There is so much history there, that sometimes, it's hard to get past it all. I love that they know me, and they know how I've gotten here to be the person that I am, but sometimes, I hate it.

In an episode of One Tree Hill, I think Peyton asked Lucas if he felt it. And he asked her if he felt what? And she said she meant if he felt his life change right when he scored that shot (or something). And she said that in life, it's rare that you can point to a moment and say, "that's where it all changed." Off the top of my head...I can name a few of those in my life. Some of them, being the regrets. Again, maybe one of the reasons why I love "The Butterfly Effect" so much.

It's just scary...you know? Thinking about how we have one shot.

I also remember hearing how...it's rare that we recognize the significance of a moment until it is over. If I'm not mistaken, which I often am, I would say that now - these days right now - are significant, and could possibly be some of the defining moments of my life. Again, that's pretty scary. Every little thing matters, eh? (Remember, if you change one thing, you change everything. --Michael Josephson)

I'm scared because...this is it. This is life. This isn't...Oh, I didn't study and I bombed. Oh well, I'll get it on the next one. It's just life.

...I'm scared that one day, I'm going to look back on everything, point to all the memories, empty promises, all the roads travelled...and say, "that's where it all changed." I'm afraid that one day, I'm gonna look back and see all this as just a part of high school, and that breaks my heart.